UPDATE TO Mrs. Flinger October 16, 2015
Because the Universe has a wicked sense of humor, after this delcaration, my blog threw up all over my last upgrade.
So I'm starting over using Craft. Turning 40 and kid entering Jr High next year, sometimes it's just time for a change. These archives will still exist in the way the last child goes off to college and their room is the same for 20 years, but it's just time to move forward.
In soft whispered voices Jun 30, 2014
Sitting on the edge of the bed of my seven year old he whispers to me, “I’m writing a book about a Koala and a bear. You know that bear that made us have a lockdown at school? Well, that baby bear and the koala have a story and I’m writing it. You would identify with the Koala, Mommy. It’s a traveling Koala.”
“Oh, I’d like that story, Bud.”
“Yea, maybe you stay for a minute and rub my back?”
“Ok, I can stay another minute and rub your back.”
“Wait, you can’t leave yet. I’m not asleep. Maybe you go downstairs and do five minutes of work and then you come back and check on me? Then you can do the laundry. But five minutes of work, ok?”
“Ok, Bud. Five minutes and I’ll check on you.”
You won’t be awake when we go in again. You won’t see us peering over your sleeping face and smile softly to ourselves. You won’t see us kiss your cheek or whisper “I love you” in your ear. But what you will do, which still amazes me, is somehow whisper, “I love you, too,” in your sleepy stupor.
Some of my favorite memories are happening this moment.
There’s Gold in Them Hills Jun 28, 2014
Two of my best girlfriends and I take an annual Moms/Kids camping trip. We started this at a “close-ish” park in 2009 with a toddler and a few pre-schoolers. We stuck close in case shit hit the fan and we had to call home for emergency needs like running another set of matches out because these ones don’t work. You know, big things.
Of all the years we’ve been doing this now, there are a few stories that stand out more than all the others. Sure, there is the annual whip-cream shot after waffles in the morning. And yes, there’s usually a craft and some roasting of things. There’s some bike riding (and bike smashing that one year I backed up over my daughter’s bike) and scootering. Kids learned how to bike while another learned to walk. But of all these stories the few we pass down each year go something like this:
“The Year of Raccoons”
The year we all slept in tents was an epic achievement. It was the first trip and I was daring this adventure with a newly turned two year old toddler. As would become the “norm”, Michelle and Laura arrived first and had their shit together. I, probably after a wrong turn, arrived late and sweating.
We set up camp and successfully fed children and wore them out effectively. After kids were asleep in each of the three tents, Michelle and Laura’s kids each in the smaller one near the edge of the camp and my two kids in Our Giant Red Tent Of Mansion. We sat in our pride sipping our beer when suddenly they came out of the woods; a thousand eyes. I kid you not, A THOUSAND EYES were glowing at us from the edge of the wood, not ten feet away.
We did the only natural thing any mom would at that point; squeal and jump on the table and call our husbands. The husbands did not find it necessary to save us from, what they assessed, were raccoons. Instead they sighed heavily and HUNG UP leaving us out in the woods with our raccoon perfect baby-meals and our gnaw worthy toes. I’m pretty sure one of us might have even said, “The Dingo is going to eat our babies!”
We had a very bright idea at this point, brighter than the sets of eyes closing in on us slowly. We grabbed the two older children and we placed everyone in the Giant Red Tent of Mansion. We crawled in next to the children to protect them, should a raccoon grow an opposable thumb and work the zipper, and waited until we fell asleep to the sound of tiny paws scampering by us to easier targets.
The children didn’t even bat an eye when they woke up that we’d all slept in the same tent. The evidence of the night before was kept to a small bit of trash strewn about and the blood-shot eyes of three tired moms.
We decided that from then on, we’d never visit that camping site again. And we kept to that for exactly two years. But, once we did go back, we swore to stay in cabins only. “Because raccoons still can’t unlock doors.”
Not yet, anyway.
“The Kids Gone Wild” year.
We still laugh when we picture Trev stripping to his intense whip cream buzz. You know what? A picture is worth a thousand words so let me keep this short. A video will explain it so much better than I can.
“The year I smashed Lauren’s Bike”
This is a short story because that? Pretty much sums it up. “Mom, stop reminding me of my bike. It makes me sad,” she used to say.
Now she says her new bike is too girlie. “Want me to back over it for you, hon?” She grins.
“The Year of The Weird Women Doing This :: GRIN ::”
It started drizzling. Then it started poring. The kids were neatly tucked in four beds, some sharing screens because let’s face it; we’re modern ladies and sometimes screens are OK. Like 10pm on a camping trip when moms want to not deal.
Trevor comes down to tell us of a Weird Lady he saw on the wall in our cabin. “She was doing this!” He scrunches his face in a weird grin and shuts his eyes. “You mean you could see that in the knots on the wall?” He looks perplexed. “Well, ya. On the wall.” “Oh, no, did you tell the other kids? They’ll be scared.” “Er, yes… Um.. Ya.”
We talk about what to do. Do we pre-empt a nightmare? Do we ignore it? They’ll probably just go to sleep and not stare at the weird lady in the knots, right?
Fifteen Minutes Later Laura comes down from the cabin with something in her hand and she’s laughing.
“This is the lady on the wall” she says breathlessly. She is wheezing from laughter. I look at the paper.
Dear god it’s terrifying.
WHY was this on the wall? In our cabin?! We all dive in fits of laughter, us girls heaving and crying and laughing until we can’t stand it. The whole imagery of the children sitting on their bunk watching the Lego Movie and noticing.. This.
Only to have your mom say something like, “Well, there are things on the walls. Don’t read in to it.”
“No, Mom, there is an actual picture of a weird lady doing THIS.”
Reality is sometimes so much funnier than perception. Especially with these ladies.
I can’t wait for next year. Or every adventure and tradition in between. We have so many now, it’s hard to count. But the traditions of our friendship, the photos of the kids at various stages, keeps me grounded. Time really is slipping away, ever so slowly at first, and faster every stage. If not for the yearly traditions that staple me to the experiences of our friendship, I’d float away in daily chores and work and laundry. I’m so thankful for these families that remind me to live and breathe and laugh-
To laugh until I can’t breathe and then finding a breathe again, sucking in the sweetest air of all life provides. “There’s Gold in Them Hills.” Thank you for the reminder, ladies. I hope to repay the gift.
Reflections on A Talk, A conference, A week Jun 25, 2014
It wasn’t what they were expecting. I called it the Oatmeal Raisin Cookie talk. I baked in a discussion about gender equality within the title “Creative Development.” I think someone in the second row rolled their eyes.
It was probably the 8th or 9th time I’ve been on stage. It’s always so hard to begin the speech you’ve been feverishly obsessing over. The last nine months, since Low asked if I’d speak, were filled of notebooks and research and outlines and more outlines. I was a proper freak stopping a TED talk or an audiobook to jot down a point I wanted to expand on or integrate in my talk. I spent more than a few meetings scribbling notes to myself in Evernote, only partially related to the meeting topic but relevant to a future conversation I would have with myself first, and an audience second.
After a few hiccups and akward moments, it began to flow. Stats, Stories, Ideas. Youtube excerpts. Comics. Scientists. I knew all the content, I just wanted to nail the delivery.
Perhaps I didn’t “nail” it, exactly. It felt more like a piece of art hung on the wall with a sticky hook, but it was well received. I was so wrapped up in my own nerves that it wasn’t until the fourth or fifth man that approached me for advice when I realized something shifted: They were asking about their girlfriends, wives, daughters, employees. They wanted to support their female companions, they just didn’t know how.
At that moment I realized how at home I was in this community. This space, I’ve written about before, those “like brothers who buy you beer,” were sincerely supportive. My mind relaxed in a puddle of gratitude. We expanded on ideas, I let them know all that I’ve read, or experienced, or heard. 100% of women developers needed a mentor to push them in the field. Was it necessary to be a women mentor? No. Could it be her father, brother, husband? Yes. We just wanted support and here they were: the fathers, brothers, husbands, asking “What can I do?”
In two words, “encourage her.”
In many more words there we debates and discussion and ideas for more ideas. We talked long, long in to the night at the canal side at the favourite bar. We stood in the cold until our lips shivered and then we moved to the warmth of the shelter, where we watched the World Cup Football match a few days previously. It was there we finally called it a night, warm from booze and light and happiness and friendship. Men hugged an extra beat just to prove that it was possible and the ladies cussed an extra beat just to prove we were all alike.
I walked to my hotel room smiling stupidly. These days are always so high on the list of the Best Days of My Life. I bust in to a Green Day song once alone in my room. It doesn’t really matter which one. I tied a ribbon to this night, to this week, and wrapped it in my tree of bests to hold on to when the waves of frustrations, deadlines, reality, insecurity, and distance wash me over again. For one week, for one day, for one night, I felt like I was making a difference beyond my own little world. Inside jokes, geeky code humor, and tearful laughter included.
In short, I fell in love with all the people, all the discussions, all the experience, all the things.
All the things.
Made With Code
…. adding on more soon…..
“You had to be there”:
ALL THE PHOTOS!
Women in Technology: A talk and proposed solution Jun 19, 2014
Today I am giving a talk about women in technology. This is something I’ve been preparing for since I first learnt Basic at age 13 on a Commodore 64. I’ve had several amazing men encourage me in this field and even in the age of feminism and women’s rights, there is still a lot of speculation and discussion around women equality in technical and scientific fields.
As one of only two women in my Graduate program at Western Oregon where I studied computer science, the idea that more women weren’t in the undergrad or graduate program boggled me. At the same time, however, I struggled with things like Java and building Server Sockets until I would vision jamming a knife under my large toenail as more enjoyable.
My Professor at one point noted, “You can get 100% of the logic on the quiz but you don’t know your ass from a whole in the ground when it comes to the syntax.”
I preferred to study PHP, which seemed to make more sense to me than Java. I pursued Python and Ruby and HTML/CSS instead of the huge, monolithic class structure of Java. Networking, routers, the IP stack; these are all things I found intuitive and interesting whereas the standard course for most computer science majors was the single hardest program for me to learn.
I figured I was not alone in this. I submitted a dissertation proposal in the winter of 2004, which was accepted at Oregon State University, and excitedly planned the research for my doctoral degree on women retention rates of undergraduates in the computer science departments and the correlation of programming languages taught.
This is a classic joke of mine that PhD was never finished because, being a quintessential woman in tech, I gave birth to my first child and never went back to school.
In the past decade, the topic has been given more press. Just two weeks ago Google announced its diversity numbers. A number of questions are popping up, “Where are the women?” “What can we do?” “Maybe women don’t want to be in technology? Has anyone considered this?”
Today I stand up in front of 56 people, 5 of them women, and give my own story, those stories of other women developers I’ve talked to, and share my solution.
Special thanks to my Dad for teaching me Basic on a Commodore 64 in 1987. To my husband for funding my first tech certificate in 1999 and for supporting my efforts in grad school and keeping sharp objects away from me when I had to code Java. To Low for the opportunity to speak in a tiny town in Holland that includes some of my favorite memories ever.
Resources to my talk
Dr. Amen Studies:
Lord of the Flies
The Creative Process:
J. M. George, “Personality, Affect, and Behavior in Groups,” Journal of Applied Psychology75 (1990): 107–16; Blase E. Masini, Socialization and Selection Processes of Adolescent Peer Groups (Ann Arbor, MI: ProQuest Information & Learning, 1998).
Women in CS:
The Pursuit of Ignorance:
Fey, Tina (2011-04-05). Bossypants. Little, Brown and Company.
The thing about the past? Jun 08, 2014
Today will end up being that day you look back fondly on and think, “Remember that?”
At seven years old, you’re incredibly intelligent. I’d go so far as to say presidential even. Jun 05, 2014
Tonight you blew our minds with your ability to spell an entire birthday card for your teacher and read your Dinosaur book without needing much help. You practically outdid most of my previous freshman college students with your math test and ability to speak adverbs properly. So yea, we’re sort of expecting great things from you.
We chose a book called “The Human Body” to read tonight. To be honest, you couldn’t decide between that, the airplane book and another dinosaur book but Mama can’t take another book about the big ass lizards, and was way too tired to feign interest over airplanes, so Human Body it was!
We flipped through some of the pages and landed on the pregnancy page. You started asking questions about the babies in the pictures. While I read you absorbed everything and formed ideas.
“At five weeks a fetus is the size of a bean, and heart, lungs, and organs are developing. The baby gets its nutrients from the mother through the umbilical chord.”
You interrupt with some facts: “So, basically, that baby is the size of a bean? Well, that tube there keeps it from getting lost so it won’t run away.”
“No, Bud, that’s how the baby gets its nutrition. That’s how its attached to the mom so it can grow.”
“Well, yea, but it’s really small and if it got lost, you’d never find it. Plus, did you know a baby Koala is like this big….” You hold up your fingers showing me the size a baby Koala is. It looks astonishingly the same size as a bean. “Yea, they can scream. Don’t even touch a baby Koala because they screech a higher pitch than Lauren.”
You rolled your eyes with an, “I dare you because I’ll totally say ‘I told you so.’”
“Wow, Bud, you know a lot of interesting facts!”
“Yea, well, basically I just remember everything I hear. Did you know your jaw bone is called a Patella?”
Your eyes got droopy, and your fingers instinctively rush to rub away the sleepy tears. “Hu, are you sure?” I asked as I covered you with the blanket. You were sure, very sure. In fact, you were so sure, it was either your mouth or the side of your skull that you laid your head down on the pillow to prove a point.
And promptly fell asleep.
I’ll tell you about your kneecap tomorrow. Tonight, rest that Patella on the pillow and dream of tiny animals.
On the doing of Parenting Jan 30, 2014
I wonder if my children will remember me as constant motion. Not a specific task, like cleaning their rooms while we talk about their day, or how I make dinner when we discuss their homework, or the laundry that I’m constantly walking up and down with from room to laundry and back. No, more like a blur of my historic self, a gusian filter placed over the presence of me in their memories.
Like my own mother is to me in my childhood; Always moving: a presence, a tickle monster, a card player, a disciplinarian. She is a blur of the eighties, a wisp of the nineties.
I wonder if my children will remember how they helped me make dinner, or bake treats for our Christmas with friends. I wonder if they’ll remember the countless card games and board games and wrestle games. I wonder if they’ll focus on how we worked so many hours or how we made time for them in spite of deadlines.
I think of my days in this rocking motion, always moving, even when still, shifting, doing, thinking. Laundry for down times, dishes for noisy times. Lunches made during dinner prep and beds re-made and stuffed animals put away during bedtime routine.
If I’m not doing two things, I am not being effective.
Or am I?
Mindfulness is the constant repeating word in my days. Almost in the way you buy a white toyota van and see everyone has a white Toyota van. How did you not see that before? Everyone, everywhere, from a coffee shop to a co-worker casually saying, “Mindful,” “Be mindful,” “You’ll find mindfulness.” I actually pay someone to tell me that every other week in therapy to “Practice mindfulness.” Here’s my co-pay.
The question is, and it’s not an outside question really, more an inside one, but can I not be “mindful” while I simultaneously do the dishes and math homework? While I pack lunches and serve dinner? While I shove stuffed animals in their bin and wait for a kid to brush their teeth? Perhaps this is my own mindfulness. Maybe this is my moving meditation. I am present because I can not be anywhere else, than here, with these animals, and teeth, and dishes, and laundry. I am at work because I have only so much time to have meetings, and code, and plan and re-capture and lead. I can do those things together because it keeps me there, in the moment, mindful.
Perfecting life’s chores while being with the people I love and doing the job I adore? That to me seems pretty mindful. Even if there’s no soothing music or Ommm sounds from anyone around.
I, Me, You, We: Overcoming Blog Performance Anxiety Through Community Jan 26, 2014
When I first started blogging in 2003, there were only a handful of blogs compared to today. We didn’t understand the implications of over-sharing your journal on the Internet, we didn’t fully grasp the complexity of the media. In fact, one day in 2004 when my daughter was about three months old, I wrote a post about her peeing on me and said something about us having just had our first mother-daughter standoff. Someone commented that I needed to find better material than just steeling Dooc’es posts. I didn’t even know who Dooce was at the time (that was my introduction to her) and felt ashamed I posted something so similar to her story that she wrote the day after I posted mine. (I wish I could find this article now. And hers. Most of my archives have been placed quietly in a cabinet, especially ones about my family and/or anything that might embarrass them going forward.)
Throughout my tenure of blogging, this happened many times. I would read something that sounded very similar to what I just wrote, or I wrote something similar to what someone else wrote a month ago. I became more paranoid that I was going to be seen as stealing or copying these other women’s thoughts. Obviously this is ludicrous. It’s very very possible we were all having similar thoughts because we were that similar in our life’s stage.
Instead of feeling community, I felt unoriginal.
Instead of being empowered, knowing others will understand and feel similarly, I felt like I had nothing to share that wasn’t already on the Internet.
Over the past two years something incredible happened; I grew up. I haven’t exactly “Arrived,” but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was at 35. I’ve taken a few years to chew on my thoughts. To be a little quiet and sit with them. I use paper to journal again and I try not to email in a heated frenzy. Again, I’ve not Arrived, but I’m closer.
During this time my brain has been soaking in information from a variety of sources. I’ve consumed a hundred books on every topic from ADHD Diets, Gluten Free Studies, Girls in Tech, Women in Leadership Roles, Moms in Western Working Environments, Becoming a Leader, Failing Hard, Overcoming, Working with Snakes in Suits, and more. During this time, I realize how many people experience things I experience but have a slightly different take. I’ve been learning from hundreds of people willing to share stories, research, results.
This weekend, while at She’s Geeky, something clicked: I do have a unique voice AND there are others who express themselves in a way I resonate with. And that? IS OK.
The Improve: Asking Questions. Asking Questions. Ask Questions.
The Hiring: We’re hitting on tools, not on decisions.
She’s Geeky Jan 25, 2014
In an inadequate attempt to capture the spirit of a few hundred geeky women sharing advice, knowledge, code snippets, work ideas, and life discussions, I can summarize as best as I can.
In a word: Support.
In two words: Comforting Validation.
In Three Words: We Laughed Together.
In Four Words: I made new Friends.
In Five words: I came away more empowered.
In six words: We gathered to solve big issues.
And in seven words: I hope we see you in Seattle.
Love you forever, like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be Jan 06, 2014
You giggle as I kiss your cheeks. I hold your hands as you turn your face left to right, giving me full access to the large, luscious cheeks, round and red. You laugh as you spit and shove off my kisses. I pretend to look sad and then hold your arms and start the process over. You are giggling as you pretend to stop me. I win at the kisses, landing on your cheeks as you laugh. You tell me I’ll never give you another kiss again. I chuckle. “Do you remember the Love You Forever book?” I ask. You shake your head no. “The mom comes for all of her son’s life to give him love until she can’t anymore and one day, he sings the song, ‘I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I’m living, My Mommy you’ll be.’” Your eyes are wide and you ask, “Why would you tell me that before bed? Now I’ll have bad dreams!” “No, Love, you won’t,” I reply grabbing your hands again from any defense of my kissing, “Because we have so many years before you have to worry about that. The point is, you can’t stop a mom from kissing her children.” I lunge for the final kiss assault and you squeal with laughter and turn your face. I plant five kisses on your cheek, nose, and forehead. You are still laughing when I promise to stop. “It’s bed time,” I say sternly. “Time for sleeping.” You look up at me with your brown eyes glowing in the light and whisper, barely audible, “I love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, My mommy you’ll be.”
I leave your room smiling with tears in my eyes as I go to see your sister, sitting in her bed reading Harry Potter, and plan my kissing attack. My life is an amazing wonderland. I shall never forget this.