UPDATE TO Mrs. Flinger October 16, 2015
Because the Universe has a wicked sense of humor, after this delcaration, my blog threw up all over my last upgrade.
So I'm starting over using Craft. Turning 40 and kid entering Jr High next year, sometimes it's just time for a change. These archives will still exist in the way the last child goes off to college and their room is the same for 20 years, but it's just time to move forward.
I want to be a large, black woman Sep 07, 2005
I am tired and worn down. I am beaten on the inside out. My own thoughts and anxiety have turned my brain into a battlefield of guilt and rage and fear. I am tired of not believing everything really will be ok. I am tired of the foofy shit. I am tired of the judgment, of the politics, of the legalism. I am sick of all of it. But most of all, I am sick of my own lack of belief.
Belief in anything. Belief in life.
I’ve been struggling all day with my own worry over LB. I’ve been struggling with my hypocrisy as a Mom. My love for my child and the goals of the career woman inside me. I realized how I react to a situation first and think later. It hit me, today, as I called fourteen places for Lauren to go to that I had no clue what I was doing. I realized that there will be times in her life, and mine, that I will have to confess that I do not know what to do. I do not have the answers. I can not be in control. I am only the Mom.
Then, during episode 12 of LOST, the large, black lady said to Charlie, “There is a small difference between denial and faith. It’s much better on my side.” He started crying. I started crying. I sat and bawled. And bawled and bawled and bawled. “Help me,” he asked her. “I am not the one who can help you,” she said. Then she prayed with him. And I still sat crying.
I know it’s probably about as cheesy as it comes to turn off a TV show and be a blubbering idiot about life, faith, your daughter. I know it’s not really something that I would talk about on my blog. I know my past, as some of you know, and I know my present, which is evident here, and I know I don’t know what I am doing, or who I am, or what to think about lots of things. I don’t know what to tell Lauren when she asks why Daddy doesn’t go to church. I don’t know what to tell her when she asks where we go when we die, or why we’re here, or what happened to Mac and Buddy when we burry them. All those Big Issues, I just don’t know.
But I will tell you this one thing. Put aside the shit about Bush and Katrina and who did what and who said what and who didn’t call who. Put away what Christians think and what Buddhist think and why one is better than the other. Put away the stereotypes, the outward appearance of the rich, the judgy side of the “masses” and let’s be honest here. I don’t give one rats ass if someone thinks cussing would mean I’m going to hell. I don’t care if believing in God means I’m a big ol’ softy. I don’t care if belonging to an “organized religion” means I’m weak or that if I don’t it means I suck.
End the end, I want to have a large, black woman’s soul. One that is filled with peace. One that has faith. One that is Knowing and Kind and Not Judgmental. And, Jesus, if you could put that soul in a body like hers, well, that would be great.
I’m funny, damnit. Laugh! Sep 05, 2005
I went to Safeway tonight for a quick run. You know, the lime chips, lime (for the corona) and wheat-thins that I didn’t get earlier. Read: Earlier I was feeling much stronger about the diet. The last minute run was all bad carbs and splurge. Anyway, I’m standing in line behind a guy getting chips, a bagel, and two yogurts and in front of a gal getting a small thing of cheese, a little spegheti sauce and green pepers. I lean to her and say, “This is the ‘Oh crap, I forgot something’ line.” She said nothing. She turned her back to me and ignored me.
I’m funny, damnit.
Speaking of money Sep 03, 2005
I’m not sure why we are so touchy about discussing our bills and finances. I was talking with Rbelle and Traci about this last week. It’s nice when you can be open and honest about your financial situation. I’m sure in the big scheme of things, we are about as typical as you can get. We spend a little too much on stupid things like Internet, Web hosting, Cell phones, and Satellite TV. Yesterday I spoke with the bank about getting a home loan. We were pre-approved for 230K. Y’all, we can not afford 230K payments on a 30 year fixed mortgage. I don’t mind telling you that.
The truth is that if we could be honest about our financial places, I think we could all benefit from the “what worked for us” or “woah.. I think we spend too much on this.. you mean you do OK on ___ amount of coffee allowance a month?” It hit me the other day, on my second trip to Starbucks in a morning, that I am still living like a single, working girl. We do ok, don’t get me wrong. But damnit if we don’t dip into the red at the end of every freakin’ month. With a new house on the horizon, and in another year or two, a new baby, we really need to re-evaluate how we spend our cash. I don’t mind telling you that I have a problem with this. I think I get it from my Mom. We like to live above our means. Mr. Flinger came from a family who never ever ever had debt. I wish I could live this way. I am trying, but I suck at it. You know how I know? I just opened our credit card bills. We have a total of 7K in fucking credit card debt. That makes me sick to my stomach. Sick.
A Picture is worth about three bucks Sep 02, 2005
Pics are up from our trip. I also talked about our bloggy meeting with Kelli Belly over here. But for now, enjoy the three dollar prints. Because gas, coffee, and a gallon of milk are about three bucks so I figure that’s the going rate for anything useful now adays.
*Please use your login again. This is on the family site so you’ll have to re-login to view…*
Dear Ted Sep 02, 2005
I was recently in a neighboring state where I had to fuel up my vehicle. To my shock and amazement, and I’m sure to yours as well, I was able to successfully fuel up my tank without causing any major injuries, explosions, damages, or kill any brain cells, although the latter can be debated. Please take note: FORTY-NINE other states let you fuel your own car.
I’m just sayin’.
From one who did not, nor will ever, vote for you,
Home again Home again, jiggidy jig Sep 01, 2005
We made it. The ride was heaven. LB slept most of the way home and woke up happy. She is not laughing with her toys, thrilled to be home, and pretty much a peach all around. I’ve learned a few things from this trip, though. 1) My child is wild. She gets this from her mommy. I think I love her more for it. and 2) the price of gas is insane, but I’ll keep my trap shut as long as there are people without houses in the south because really, if I can afford a 3 dollar cup of coffee, I can shut up about gas. (Although, I’m seriously reconsidering my coffee habit now.)
Thanks for y’all thoughts and prayers. My kid is a true champ. I had a wonderful time. WONDERFUL. My soul is full up with love and joy and freedom that only best friends, the open road, and my minime adventure baby can give. Amen!