Sometimes I wish I could just write children’s books. I usually think this about twenty minutes after my elation over writing a real book passes with my child’s blood curling “pay attention to me” scream. A children’s book! It’s, like, ten pages! Sixteen words! I could make, what, 40 bucks per word? 100,00 per word? I could so do this!
Then I realize I couldn’t write a children’s book because it’s... Read more
Friday night we were blessed with a date. A DATE. Yea, I know, what’s that? It’s that thing you do when you leave the house without the kids because someone else has
been roped in to watching your children. It. Was. Awesome.
(Let me back up here a moment so as to ‘splain it all.)
We all have those days. You know the ones? I’m willing to wager that you’ve experienced days that make getting a root canal a vacation. In fact, I went to Target sans children minutes from the store closing and considered it a vacation. Tar Jay? Is. My. Vacation.
:: shakes head ::
It’s not that I didn’t know these days would happen. I had these days before kids so what would make me think I’d feel like
There is a very specific way in which the events of the morning must take place. First, Baby O must be fed and rocked at 5:30 AM. This is to ensure that the rest of the family gets out of the house before 4:00 pm. Then I must workout at 6:15AM because working out is the same as five doses of anti-depressants and 6 bottles of booze. Together. Well, not quite, but you know what I mean. Then there needs to be swaddle/nap for the baby, a shower for the mommy and, if time allows, coffee. Blessed coffee. Foldgers hit the nail on the very-handsome-in-the-morning-man’s head.
Then... Read more
Look, I’ve had some hard jobs. I’ve worked technical support for a school district with over 100,000 users and only TWELVE support specialist. I’ve answered, “I don’t know my email password” and “How do I change my desktop picture?” more times than I care to confess. It took patience. Not as much patience as the time I worked in a daycare with a class of eight two year olds and only ONE of me all stuffed in a twelve-by-twelve room for nine hours a day. I thought that was really hard at the time. But this job? This parenting gig? It’s so.... Read more
Because I’m over here SEWING, (Yes, you read that correctly. Mr. Flinger almost fell off his chair, too, then quickly recovered and said, “OH! Are you going to knit me a sweater and bake me a pie, too? Jackass.) I thought I’d entertain myself and, well, you (hopefully) with a madlibs. Remember those? Sureyado. I hear they’re better when you’re high but, um, I’ve never been high so let’s call sleep deprivation... Read more
We moved to Seattle nearly ten months ago. It was a move we planned and hoped for, but also one that would be a huge adjustment. It was also the weekend we found out we were pregnant. (And be “we” I mean “me”.) We said goodbye to people we love including a
To my Son,
You know that thing you found yesterday? The Thing you found that you and your Daddy posses and your sister and I don’t? That Thing is going to come in very handy while you’re camping. But that Thing is going to piss your wife off to no tomorrow when you take the opportunity to sleep in every Saturday while she takes the kids, again, and you somehow find the time to take a thirty minute shit while she has to do it with the baby strapped to... Read more
Please sing in your best country-sounding voice. There needs to be twang. Sadly, every time I try to make “twang” in my head it comes out “Bow Chicka Chicka Bow Bow.” So, go for less porn and more TWANG, ok?
Also, I am completely sober. S-O-B-E-R. I’m like a guy on Alcohol, I couldn’t get it going. But once I got sober, the words just started flowing.
:: ahem ::
Internet? Internet? You there still? Ok, so look, I .. um.. have ideas. All these IDEAS just sort of swirling around my brain all, “BLAHBLAHBLAH ooh! I could do THIS! And THIS and, well, we need THIS, too!” and I have plans, big plans, plans for remodeling websites and member areas and podcasts, and new sites, and and and and and…
And then my brain explodes.
Then the baby needs things and the toddler melts down and the sun comes out and melts my ass to the park bench.
That’s the short short version.
I believe there are all kinds of... Read more