Five Reasons I’m Glad I’m Not A Bobblehead 30/Jun/2010

1. I have a small tendency toward vertigo with my thick neck as it is.

2. Driving would be a bitch. (Did you see that car? ALL FIFTY OF THEM? No, wait, that’s just one car, wait, where did it go? OH THERE THEY ARE.)

3. People would want to put me on their dashboards with their other fugly hello-kitty bobbleheads and I HATE HELLO KITTY.

4. “Does this neck make my head look fat?”

5. Sarah Palin is a BobbleHead. That’s just fucked-up yo. THE END.

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Having a mid-life-crisis at thirty-three thousand feet 28/Jun/2010

I tell people I’m going through a small mid-life crisis. They look at me, judging. “HmmMMmm,” they start, “I bet you’re not nearly mid-life. What are you? Thirty? You really expect to only live until sixty?”

To these people I put a pox on their eyebrows and ear hair.

Funny thing: Mid-Life can mean any time in which you wake up and look in the mirror and immediately proclaim “HOLYSHIT! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WHILE I WAS SLEEPING.”

This is exactly how I feel right now.

Last Thursday I travelled to Utah on... Read more

Taking on Kelly Rippa 23/Jun/2010

I have a bone to pick, Kelly. I happen to get those amazing “be more” Electrolux Washer/Dryers you speak so highly of. No, I wasn’t actually trying to be just like you, GOD no, why would I want to do that? I know small dogs less annoying than you are. BUT, I did find an amazing deal on a pretty amazing washer/dryer set and after drooling and researching, decided to plunge in to debt for the sake of Laundry.

And oh, how it was worth it.

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Respect the sticker! 21/Jun/2010

My children, they do not respect the sticker. Remember getting the coveted sticker and agonizing over where to place it? You didn’t just put it on a piece of paper that might get accidentally tossed in the garbage. NO! You sat and pondered for HOURS where you were going to place this single, solitary sticker.

My kids can go through a sticker book in ten minutes flat.

Nowadays stickers are like Band-Aids: Cheap, easy to mail, and sticky; the latter being the most obvious. Band-Aids used to be special and only handed out when death was imminent. Now? Band-Aids for... Read more

I wrote five books this weekend 07/Jun/2010

“How to feel completely inadequate at one of your best friend’s baby showers that you threw with people much more capable than you are” Parts I & II.

“Why throwing up in a famous web designer’s toilet is better than Schick Shadel for finding ultimate sobriety.”

“Birth Control Via Child Meltdown” - Unabridged

And Finally,

“The Ultimate Diet: Candida Taking Over Your Body. Lose weight without even... Read more

Remember when we were young? 04/Jun/2010

Forgive me for letting Dawn Landes speak for me but I could not have come up with better lyrics. After a week of escape, of enjoying people and places from far away, it’s difficult to look at the Things To Do list and not fantasies of a plane and a hot, steamy week in Paris, or Rome, or London. I told Mr. Flinger I wanted to have a wild hot affair in a far off land and he’s welcome to join me.

Sometimes songs do more justice than the muddled ramblings of a mom with young children. And a new job. And a new house. And it’s not that I don’t love all these... Read more