Mrs. Flinger: A work in progress

UPDATE TO Mrs. Flinger October 16, 2015

Because the Universe has a wicked sense of humor, after this delcaration, my blog threw up all over my last upgrade.

So I'm starting over using Craft. Turning 40 and kid entering Jr High next year, sometimes it's just time for a change. These archives will still exist in the way the last child goes off to college and their room is the same for 20 years, but it's just time to move forward.

I can totally pull this off Nov 04, 2010

#Life#Best Of#Social Clutz Loveable Spaz

I’ve been sleepy since I was 16 years old. The first doctor I saw, during cross country season my Junior Year of High School, dismissed my complaints. “Look,” he leaned forward, his hands resting on this thighs, smelling of soap, “You’re not tired. You can’t be tired. You run 5 miles a day and get straight A’s. You’re not tired.”

But I *WAS* tired.

I continued to be tired and get dismissed for the next 19 years. I slept through college. Literally. I fell asleep regularly on my books in the library, drooling between pages of my Physics book. I went to bed at 9PM every night and fell asleep during movies my roommates and I would rent. I took three hour naps regularly and barely made it through until evening.

After having our daughter, I was attempting sleep following the 24 hours of labor, emergency C-section, medicated debacle. My oxygen monitor kept rining and a nurse would have to run in and reset it. I was frustrated, tired, and not able to sleep after 30 hours of exhaustion. “Has anyone ever talked to you about Sleep Apnea?” one nurse finally asked. “No?”

In fact, nobody would talk to me about it again for years to come. Doctors explored yeast imbalance, gluten intolerance, PCOS, Chronic Fatigue and so on. I’ve taken hormones and pills. I’ve done diet after diet to increase energy.

Still, though, I was sleepy.

At the urging of a very dear friend, I signed up for a sleep study. She’s probably the seventeenth person to tell me to do it, but it stuck. She’s just sort of that influential. Or that good at nagging. Either way.

I went in, got hooked up to a thousand wires and went to sleep. I say “sleep” not in a traditional sense but in a “wow, this is a lot of crap hooked up to me and I CAN’T ROLL OVER WHERE AM I WHY IS THIS UP MY NOSE” sort of way. Apparently it was just enough, though, for them to get a read on my sleeping habits.

The next morning I was standing talking to some random dude checking me out (literal and figurative here) at the grocery store. As he scanned the items in to the cart, he was staring at my boobs. I got annoyed, made light small talk and walked away thinking what a perv he was.

I got in the car, looked in the mirror and found what one may think is a hicky but by some sort of big mouthed gorilla.

sleep hicky

It was the remaining redness from the wires the previous night.

Later in the afternoon I headed in to get my final diagnoses. Apnea. I have Sleep Apnea. I stop breathing TWENTY-SIX times an hour. Idealy you stop breathing, oh you know, NEVER. But apparently anything less than 5 times an hour is acceptable.

TWENTY-SIX?

No wonder I’ve been tired for 20 years. Twenty. Years.

“You’ll be wearing a what to bed?” Mr. Flinger asks when I tell him the diagnoses. “A CPAP machine” I say. He looks at me and I know what he’s thinking, “You mean, like the thing Baby O had hooked up to him when he was in the NICU?” “Ayup” I reply. “Wow.. um.. that’s.. uh.. sexy…”

I realize I’m going to look like something out of some sci-fi movie at night now. “Hey Baby, come on over here and.. wait, hangon.. let me move my mask, oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you with that tube… oh hangon, the air is blowing on us, just a sec….” I get that I’m at my mid-thirty sexual peak and I’m royally screwed, not in the good way, of having any normal nights again.

But you know? Maybe I can use that. Something out of a sci-fi movie, eh?

Hrm….

Princess Leia with CPAP

Yea, that works.

Why Google Is Not Taking Over The World Quite Yet Nov 04, 2010

#Life

GV

But oh, this did make my day.

Thank you, Sincerely, Hello, Yo Yo,

Bites Finger.

Maybe if I start today, you’ll get my holiday cards before Valentine’s day Nov 02, 2010

I’ve been pretty open about how I fail at the holiday “stuff.”  I regularly catch turkeys on fire, forget to thaw them at all, send out holiday cards in March. (I call it “HAPPY I’M JUST THAT ON TOP OF IT FOR NEXT YEAR” cards) Pretty much, though, I’m an epic fail with all things tradition except drinking eggnog, making yummy food and watching excellent commercialized christmas videos.

That’s when Shutterfly steps in to help me be a non-spaz this year. A FIRST! Perhaps, perhaps, I can get my holiday cards out before Valentine’s day. Let’s make a bet, shall we? All I need to do is find one that’s just right for my family.

I’ve been checking out their new holiday photo cards and found a few I have commentary for. Personally, I’m a huge fan of the Photo Card. I love seeing some of my blog friends’ children over the years growing and changing. I save all the cards and place them together so each year we marvel at how big they get. “Who’s that?” my children ask. “Oh, it’s just a friend Mommy hasn’t met in person ever but shares deeply personal things like her period with, honey.” “Oh,....” See, some traditions are worth it.

First I came across this as a real possibility. I mean, my kids are adorable, right? But who needs more than the details. This is PERFECT. One boy, one girl, a photo of both with some sort of bragging right under it.

EXCELLENT. My style of card. If I got this card I’d say, “Oh, look at what a perfectly well adjusted family that is and OH HULK SMASH they can afford personalized German lessons? Oh, COMEON, on HIS salary?”

easy

You’re right. I’m totally using that one. I’m going to put personalized German lessons. Holiday Envy! The joy of the spirit.

Or, maybe, I can use this card.

usethis

I’m not even making this up (I wish I was) but a good friend of mine has photos in her living room with strange people in the frame. An entire family that CAME WITH THE FRAME adorn her walls. Seriously.

I think of this when I want to order this card. “Hey, look, I ADORE this style of card but my family isn’t nearly as sexy as these people. Does it cost extra to just, yaknow, leave them in? Nobody will ever have to know it’s not us.”

Then I remember that only works for online friends whom I’ve never met or shown a picture of our family to so that pretty much gets rid of 98% of the people.

And then? Then I saw the holy grail of holiday cards.

winner

This card yells FLINGER! (A little like Aaron Vest does) It’s the perfect blend of natural, fun, imperfect, real. I can see my strange photos fitting perfectly in this card, in the little circles all placed like ornaments.

This? This is my card.

Or, maybe I’ll just aim for a New Year’s card just to be safe. Because you know me.

Do you want 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly? Click here to go to Shutterfly for information on how you can get 50 free cards this holiday season, and make sure to select Clever 1000 as the referral source.

This post is part of a series sponsored by Shutterfly. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.

An unpopular opinion by a guest poster. Corporate Woman’s Opinion on Working Moms Nov 01, 2010

I wasn’t going to post this essay by my German Hostess. It’s not only an unpopular opinion, it goes against my own beliefs as a mother who strives daily to HAVE IT ALL. I have cake! I EAT IT TOO. Then I work off the cake in a wave of guilt and promise to not eat the cake again only to fail the following day.

Are we still talking about cake? I forgot.

This morning I rushed to get the entire family out of the house on time, which would have been a challenge on any day but today, especially, each of us having woken up an hour late with massive sugar hang-overs. I ran around, calling to various people, “Are you getting dressed? Are you going potty? GO POTTY BY GOD JUST GO. Yes, stop talking. Go poop. Ok.”

I made lunches, coffee, breakfast. I got homework together and started the load of laundry from my daughter’s nightly wetting of her bed. (still) I managed two tantrums successfully and served everyone. Just as I was running upstairs to brush my hair, I heard the bus roll by. Fuck. We ran out in the rain hoping that was the early bus. My daughter and I stood, in the stream of water, like complete idiots looking down the wet road for signs of a giant yellow bus. Ten minutes later, we gave up, head back in, and find the three year old is in a massive melt-down “I WANNA GO WIFF YOU TO THE BUSS I WANN GO WIFF YOU TO THE BUS.”

There is no consolation at this point.

An hour later, exactly ONE HOUR LATER, I gather the children in to the car, check myself in the rear view mirror, and speed (responsibly) to the elementary school. We rush in, all three of us, because my daughter is now tardy and it requires my signature admitting that “I failed at getting my child to school on time and also probably putting on makeup.”

We dodge the rain, sign her in, grab my now screaming three year old yelling, “I WANT TO STAY HERE” and run back to the car. I check myself in the mirror again and notice I look a little Miss Havisham, my lipstick on my teeth, my mascara running from the rain, my hair stringy. I sigh loudly, over my son’s screaming, and drive home defeated.

This? This is Monday and work hasn’t even started.

It is because of this, I’m broken down just enough to give in. Hands raised, stringy hair and bad makeup, admitting that I can’t do it all. So here it is: The “Essay on Working Mothers” by Betty. Excuse me while I go make some more coffee, wash my face, dry my hair, and raise two children to be amazing little people while co-parenting an amazing little company as well. I’ll just be sitting here taking bites of my cake, a piece at a time.

cake

I was the host mentioned in the previous post.  We had the discussion of: Can you do both – have a career and kids? I have pretty strong and not too popular opinions on the subject.  And I worried that I might have been too harsh or spoken too openly to someone I just met but with whom I felt a close connection. I don’t have children, so many will think I am not qualified to speak on this subject.  But that’s just it, I do feel I can speak on this subject because the INSANITY of trying to work and have children is part of the reason why I chose not to have children. I had a great job, a comfortable salary, was able to travel and live all over the world.  I married a nice guy, and we didn’t have kids (on purpose that is).  We have a carefree, stressfree, joyful, active life together in a peaceful, cozy apartment in Munich.  I am afraid you working moms will not like what I have to say on the subject…but get over it, get over the guilt, get over the struggle.  YOU all made the choice to have children and frankly just as Leslie has said you can’t do both well, so why did you have kids?  Or if you wanted kids so badly, why do you want to work so badly? It really is that simple, don’t come to me with all the outrage or all reasons to have children, it really is a cut and dry choice of 4 options for women:

1) don’t have kids, work or do whatever you want
2) have kids stay at home and enjoy that, but put your life on hold for 20 some odd years then do whatever you want
3) have kids, work, do what you want and OUTSOURCE the parenting.  Meaning make enough money for live-in full time help and focus on your job and do that really well.
4) have kids, work and have a stay at home husband
Did you all really think there was a 5) work, have kids, be great not only at both – but be a hot sexy wife and travel the world too?  Really?  And don’t come with all the examples of women that have done it.  Yes, they are called exceptions…and if you look closely they probably also have help in some form or have very unconventional work.  And I am not talking about single working moms due to divorce or death of spouse.  I am talking to double income couples where the wife is juggling the job and doing most of the childcare and feeling alternatively, bad, guilty, great, frazzled, tired, energized, exhausted, hateful, joyful….and so on, just read Dooce.

You all thought “I can do both!” and had a kid, geez sometimes several.  So get over it and live with the fact you will be so-so at both work and mothering.  Or get over it and realize that you will probably do really well at work and be a crappy mom.  Which by the way, being a crappy mom (whatever that means) is actually okay in my book, because honestly the skill sets you have - the stuff you do and know that makes you so good at the work you love and enjoy…..may not be the same skill sets that make a good mother.  So stick with your core competencies and outsource the mothering.  If that thought is just so horrifying to you - what outsource mothering/parenting? You can’t do that!  Well then, get over it and stay at home or have your husband stay at home.  And don’t come to me with the we can’t afford it.  Yes. You. Can. If you really can’t live on one salary, should you really had had kids? Mull over that a little…before you come to me with the outcries of that statement.

The stories that Leslie told me about what she has to sometimes deal with…were rough but I am afraid fairly typical what you working mothers go through.  And I can guarantee you that the successful working MEN with children in Leslie’s field or in any other field are neither going through the guilt, the struggle nor dealing with vomitting children during their work day. They have wives at home or wives who just took off work taking care of all that shit.  That means you working moms are bearing a double load and yes, that was not so smart of you.  And as much as I want to be empathetic (and really I am a little)...you did have the choice of not having children, and you still have the choice of not working…or outsourcing. 

But alas, if you choose to still be caught in the struggle of doing both, here is a last consolation - no matter how good of a mother you were during your kid’s childhood, no matter if you stayed home or worked full time and had a nanny, or did the insane juggling act that is working and being a mom….in every case….your kids will still be sullen ungrateful teenagers….and then grow up to be just fine.

Guest Blogger: Corporate Woman’s Opinion on Working Moms Nov 01, 2010

#Life#Best Of#Rants and Raves#Working Mom

I wasn’t going to post this essay by my German Hostess. It’s not only an unpopular opinion, it goes against my own beliefs as a mother who strives daily to HAVE IT ALL. I have cake! I EAT IT TOO. Then I work off the cake in a wave of guilt and promise to not eat the cake again only to fail the following day.

Are we still talking about cake? I forgot.

This morning I rushed to get the entire family out of the house on time, which would have been a challenge on any day but today, especially, each of us having woken up an hour late with massive sugar hang-overs. I ran around, calling to various people, “Are you getting dressed? Are you going potty? GO POTTY BY GOD JUST GO. Yes, stop talking. Go poop. Ok.”

I made lunches, coffee, breakfast. I got homework together and started the load of laundry from my daughter’s nightly wetting of her bed. (still) I managed two tantrums successfully and served everyone. Just as I was running upstairs to brush my hair, I heard the bus roll by. Fuck. We ran out in the rain hoping that was the early bus. My daughter and I stood, in the stream of water, like complete idiots looking down the wet road for signs of a giant yellow bus. Ten minutes later, we gave up, head back in, and find the three year old is in a massive melt-down “I WANNA GO WIFF YOU TO THE BUSS I WANN GO WIFF YOU TO THE BUS.”

There is no consolation at this point.

An hour later, exactly ONE HOUR LATER, I gather the children in to the car, check myself in the rear view mirror, and speed (responsibly) to the elementary school. We rush in, all three of us, because my daughter is now tardy and it requires my signature admitting that “I failed at getting my child to school on time and also probably putting on makeup.”

We dodge the rain, sign her in, grab my now screaming three year old yelling, “I WANT TO STAY HERE” and run back to the car. I check myself in the mirror again and notice I look a little Miss Havisham, my lipstick on my teeth, my mascara running from the rain, my hair stringy. I sigh loudly, over my son’s screaming, and drive home defeated.

This? This is Monday and work hasn’t even started.

It is because of this, I’m broken down just enough to give in. Hands raised, stringy hair and bad makeup, admitting that I can’t do it all. So here it is: The “Essay on Working Mothers” by Betty. Excuse me while I go make some more coffee, wash my face, dry my hair, and raise two children to be amazing little people while co-parenting an amazing little company as well. I’ll just be sitting here taking bites of my cake, a piece at a time.

cake

I was the host mentioned in the previous post.  We had the discussion of: Can you do both – have a career and kids? I have pretty strong and not too popular opinions on the subject.  And I worried that I might have been too harsh or spoken too openly to someone I just met but with whom I felt a close connection. I don’t have children, so many will think I am not qualified to speak on this subject.  But that’s just it, I do feel I can speak on this subject because the INSANITY of trying to work and have children is part of the reason why I chose not to have children. I had a great job, a comfortable salary, was able to travel and live all over the world.  I married a nice guy, and we didn’t have kids (on purpose that is).  We have a carefree, stressfree, joyful, active life together in a peaceful, cozy apartment in Munich.  I am afraid you working moms will not like what I have to say on the subject…but get over it, get over the guilt, get over the struggle.  YOU all made the choice to have children and frankly just as Leslie has said you can’t do both well, so why did you have kids?  Or if you wanted kids so badly, why do you want to work so badly? It really is that simple, don’t come to me with all the outrage or all reasons to have children, it really is a cut and dry choice of 4 options for women:

1) don’t have kids, work or do whatever you want
2) have kids stay at home and enjoy that, but put your life on hold for 20 some odd years then do whatever you want
3) have kids, work, do what you want and OUTSOURCE the parenting.  Meaning make enough money for live-in full time help and focus on your job and do that really well.
4) have kids, work and have a stay at home husband
Did you all really think there was a 5) work, have kids, be great not only at both – but be a hot sexy wife and travel the world too?  Really?  And don’t come with all the examples of women that have done it.  Yes, they are called exceptions…and if you look closely they probably also have help in some form or have very unconventional work.  And I am not talking about single working moms due to divorce or death of spouse.  I am talking to double income couples where the wife is juggling the job and doing most of the childcare and feeling alternatively, bad, guilty, great, frazzled, tired, energized, exhausted, hateful, joyful….and so on, just read Dooce.

You all thought “I can do both!” and had a kid, geez sometimes several.  So get over it and live with the fact you will be so-so at both work and mothering.  Or get over it and realize that you will probably do really well at work and be a crappy mom.  Which by the way, being a crappy mom (whatever that means) is actually okay in my book, because honestly the skill sets you have - the stuff you do and know that makes you so good at the work you love and enjoy…..may not be the same skill sets that make a good mother.  So stick with your core competencies and outsource the mothering.  If that thought is just so horrifying to you - what outsource mothering/parenting? You can’t do that!  Well then, get over it and stay at home or have your husband stay at home.  And don’t come to me with the we can’t afford it.  Yes. You. Can. If you really can’t live on one salary, should you really had had kids? Mull over that a little…before you come to me with the outcries of that statement.

The stories that Leslie told me about what she has to sometimes deal with…were rough but I am afraid fairly typical what you working mothers go through.  And I can guarantee you that the successful working MEN with children in Leslie’s field or in any other field are neither going through the guilt, the struggle nor dealing with vomitting children during their work day. They have wives at home or wives who just took off work taking care of all that shit.  That means you working moms are bearing a double load and yes, that was not so smart of you.  And as much as I want to be empathetic (and really I am a little)...you did have the choice of not having children, and you still have the choice of not working…or outsourcing. 

But alas, if you choose to still be caught in the struggle of doing both, here is a last consolation - no matter how good of a mother you were during your kid’s childhood, no matter if you stayed home or worked full time and had a nanny, or did the insane juggling act that is working and being a mom….in every case….your kids will still be sullen ungrateful teenagers….and then grow up to be just fine.