I can totally pull this off

2010 13 Life, Best Of, Social Clutz Loveable Spaz,

I’ve been sleepy since I was 16 years old. The first doctor I saw, during cross country season my Junior Year of High School, dismissed my complaints. “Look,” he leaned forward, his hands resting on this thighs, smelling of soap, “You’re not tired. You can’t be tired. You run 5 miles a day and get straight A’s. You’re not tired.”

But I *WAS* tired.

I continued to be tired and get dismissed for the next 19 years. I slept through college. Literally. I fell asleep regularly on my books in the library, drooling between pages of my Physics book. I went to bed at 9PM every night and fell asleep during movies my roommates and I would rent. I took three hour naps regularly and barely made it through until evening.

After having our daughter, I was attempting sleep following the 24 hours of labor, emergency C-section, medicated debacle. My oxygen monitor kept rining and a nurse would have to run in and reset it. I was frustrated, tired, and not able to sleep after 30 hours of exhaustion. “Has anyone ever talked to you about Sleep Apnea?” one nurse finally asked. “No?”

In fact, nobody would talk to me about it again for years to come. Doctors explored yeast imbalance, gluten intolerance, PCOS, Chronic Fatigue and so on. I’ve taken hormones and pills. I’ve done diet after diet to increase energy.

Still, though, I was sleepy.

At the urging of a very dear friend, I signed up for a sleep study. She’s probably the seventeenth person to tell me to do it, but it stuck. She’s just sort of that influential. Or that good at nagging. Either way.

I went in, got hooked up to a thousand wires and went to sleep. I say “sleep” not in a traditional sense but in a “wow, this is a lot of crap hooked up to me and I CAN’T ROLL OVER WHERE AM I WHY IS THIS UP MY NOSE” sort of way. Apparently it was just enough, though, for them to get a read on my sleeping habits.

The next morning I was standing talking to some random dude checking me out (literal and figurative here) at the grocery store. As he scanned the items in to the cart, he was staring at my boobs. I got annoyed, made light small talk and walked away thinking what a perv he was.

I got in the car, looked in the mirror and found what one may think is a hicky but by some sort of big mouthed gorilla.

sleep hicky

It was the remaining redness from the wires the previous night.

Later in the afternoon I headed in to get my final diagnoses. Apnea. I have Sleep Apnea. I stop breathing TWENTY-SIX times an hour. Idealy you stop breathing, oh you know, NEVER. But apparently anything less than 5 times an hour is acceptable.

TWENTY-SIX?

No wonder I’ve been tired for 20 years. Twenty. Years.

“You’ll be wearing a what to bed?” Mr. Flinger asks when I tell him the diagnoses. “A CPAP machine” I say. He looks at me and I know what he’s thinking, “You mean, like the thing Baby O had hooked up to him when he was in the NICU?” “Ayup” I reply. “Wow.. um.. that’s.. uh.. sexy…”

I realize I’m going to look like something out of some sci-fi movie at night now. “Hey Baby, come on over here and.. wait, hangon.. let me move my mask, oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you with that tube… oh hangon, the air is blowing on us, just a sec….” I get that I’m at my mid-thirty sexual peak and I’m royally screwed, not in the good way, of having any normal nights again.

But you know? Maybe I can use that. Something out of a sci-fi movie, eh?

Hrm….

Princess Leia with CPAP

Yea, that works.

Comments

  • November 4, 2010

    Sweet dreams, baby girl. You deserve’em.

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  • shari
    November 4, 2010

    Dh also went undiagnosed with it since childhood. The CPAP took some getting used to for both of us but MAN did it improve his energy level once he had enough sleep for awhile AND increased energy = more fun in all adult bedtime activities! *wink wink* So don’t worry about the sexy factor of the sleep machine. The first time you are still awake and full of energy waaaay past the kids bedtime Mr. Flinger will be singing the CPAP praises! Good luck!

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  • November 4, 2010

    Only you could make this hilarious.

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  • November 4, 2010

    DUDE no wonder you are tired!

    You can totally rock that CPAP machine. Rowwwrrrrr. wink It’s the new aphrodisiac.

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  • November 4, 2010

    I keep reading that as a CRAP machine.  A CPAP is waaaaay sexier.

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  • November 4, 2010

    You know, I sleep next to someone who wears a CPAP machine in bed every night. And knowing that because he’s wearing it, he won’t (a) snore, (b) jolt the bed every time he twitches when his sleep gets interrupted, or (c) stop breathing and die in his sleep? That is TOTALLY F’ING HOT.

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  • Sara
    November 4, 2010

    You totally need to check this series out from, The Daily Dish…I read that blog all the time and he just ran a CPAP series like,  last month!  Damn our lives cross a lot.

    “The view from your CPAP…”

    “Wow, so many responses, some filled with relief, some filled with despair, some filled with legit medical advice from professionals, but most of all, you got responses from people who are alive and well. Survivors, you could honestly say, in multiple ways…

    http://www.theatlantic.com/search/?sort=time&source=magazine&q=cpap

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  • November 4, 2010

    Well I am nothing if not persistent!

    Love you babe and SO glad you’ll finally be getting some sleep!

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  • Betty in Munich
    November 4, 2010

    That does totally look like some wild hickey…By the way, cute necklace!

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  • Eileen
    November 5, 2010

    Same story here!  I’ve had mine about 2 years now…sexy, no, but dang if everyone doesn’t ACTUALLY feel better!  Sometimes I have dreams that I am riding with my head out the window of a car, only to learn that the thing has become dislodged and is blowing in my eye.

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  • Theron
    November 5, 2010

    Nice post, glad you will finally get some good sleep, not the hottest thing but who cares if it helps you to sleep - more energy for the sexy time.

    @eileen - that is funny!

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  • KI
    November 5, 2010

    Hope you will get the machine and get some rest soon. How was your oxygen level?

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  • November 5, 2010

    My husband has horrible sleep apnea. Before his c-pap he would pass out whenever he sat down - even behind the wheel. Fun times! wink Now, he’s SO much better. His energy levels went way up and his caffeine intake, well, that stayed the same. Coke is a drug, yo.

    We call his mask “the blue vagina”..... we are clearly 12. He got a newer mas that goes up his nostrils but he still prefers the ole blue vagina.

    Now that’ll get you some awesome search result hits!

    I hope you start waking better rested, Mama!

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