And then—they zipped

02/Feb/2008

Ever since I was a young girl I’ve been unhappy with my body. We all know the story, blahblahblah, people say things, you feel fat, you’re not fat, you think you’re fat, you diet, you get all eating-disorder,  you get better, you diet, you get fat, you get skinny, you get pregnant, you never get as skinny ever ever again.

Ok, so that’s my long 22 year struggle with my weight in one very long sentence and lots of commas. (I love me some commas, don’t I?)

I’ve mentally been better since college. I’ve mentally stopped beating myself up on a daily basis for choices I made or telling myself how fat I am. Except that I haven’t. While I’m not nearly as harsh on this ol’ body that faithfully keeps me alive and functioning, I still look in the mirror with disdain, even if I flippantly toss that disdain aside and grab another latte.

It was time to make a change and do it for me.

I’ve been working out, cutting the sugar, eating more “good fats” and “good carbs”. Drinking more water. Running at the park with my daughter. I’ve been trying to choose things like walking over watching, dancing to the music instead of sitting on the couch. It’s a daily struggle, trust me. So I decided to try the “ONE DAY” diet. If I could just get up and decide for this ONE DAY that I’d eat well and exercise, I’d be doing fine.

Then? The next day, I wake up and decide to do the ONE DAY diet again.

I did this for a while in a row and finally, the scale noticed.

Today I woke up after many ONE DAY diets, with a few non-diet days thrown in, and found out I’m in the same decade of numbers I was when I got pregnant with baby O and before I got pregnant with LB.

Today, I hit the 150’s. Sure, whatever, it was 159.2 but I’ll take it. I’ll run with it.

I will sing from the rooftops to the Internet: ONEFUCKINGFIFTYNINEPOINTTWOMOTHEREFFERS.

I excitedly pulled out my size 10’s from pre-LB. I pulled them on.

They zipped.

I ran around the room jumping. I laughed. I popped the button on the jeans when I exhaled and decided maybe it’s still too soon to wear those pants, but damnit, they ZIPPED.

Great Googaly Moogaly. They zipped.

I know it’s a long road ahead. I still have the stretched out baby belly profile. I still have some weight to lose. But if I remind myself, kindly, that just eight months ago I was carrying around a little man baby, that I grew to be even larger than this:

32.2 weeks

I think a size ten/twelve and 159 pounds doesn’t sound as bad as it did 17 years ago.

And for all those women who’ve beat eating disorders, for my daughter who will one day look at her perfect body and tell herself she’s fat, and for all those little girls growing up in a sea of self doubt I say:

Oh my god, I’m beautiful. And I love my size ten ass and my 159 pound body for all that it does for me. Every. Fucking. Day.

Hi

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Comments

  1. WHOO HOO! I, too, am hoping to hit the 150’s again soon.  I like your one day diet idea…I’ve sort of been doing the same thing, without that name to it.  Congrats!

    By Jenny on 2008 02 02

  2. Congrats! I need to try this one day diet system. I think sometimes I bog myself down with the idea of dieting over a long period of time.  I should try on this mind set.  smile

    By amanda on 2008 02 02

  3. Best.feeling.on.the.planet!!!!

    WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Seriously proud of you!!!!

    (Here, have some more exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    By Loralee on 2008 02 02

  4. YAH!  We love you Les, and you are doing so great being all healthy.  You’ve got the rest of us running and walking too!  You are inspiring…keep it up!

    By Michelle on 2008 02 02

  5. Amen to that.

    By Ali on 2008 02 02

  6. Oh! Congrats! I am too hoping to hit at least the 150’s(the 140’s would be wonderful) since I now weigh more than I did at 38 weeks pregnant(i thought chasing toddlers was supposed to be a form of exercise?!) Good luck on getting to the point where the button doesn’t pop!

    By Mackenzie's Momma on 2008 02 02

  7. Oh man, can I relate (as usual).  I battled eating disorders for over 12 years.  I HATED the way I looked, even when I looked like a toothpick with hair, and when my size ONE jeans were too big (I KNOW, I KNOW…).  You all hated me because I was so skinny… I hated me because I still wasn’t happy.

    After I had my daughter, I lost the baby weight (35 lbs) in less than a month.  Seriously.  I was FREAKED out that I would be MY version of fat forever.  But even then, I still wasn’t happy.  And (I swear this is true) when I saw NORMAL sized women with their curves and 8-10-12, etc. sized bodies, I thought they were so gorgeous.  So… womanly and warm - soft and motherly (in a good way).

    Then suddenly, at 42, I started gaining weight even though I didn’t change a thing about my diet or routine.  At first I was perplexed… then terrified.  I tried the old tricks and denied myself every bit of nourishment I could afford trying to get back to where I had been a few months before.  But, no deal.  My body had simply had enough of the nonsense. 

    And so, I’ve gained a few pounds… fill out my clothes a little more, and have had to buy some bigger sizes.  The other day I looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time in probably 20 years, I felt… happy.  I felt warm and curvy and sexy (and no, I’m nowhere NEAR fitting into those size ones these days, I’m good and average).  I feel like the pressure to be thin is finally gone, and I don’t even care.  I can just be ME - love ME—just like all my friends and family do. 

    Here’s the deal.  I’m 42 1/2 and I have a great life.  I’ve earned this ass, goddammit.  I’ve earned some curves and some cellulite here and there.  I’ve braved this world and conquered things that many people couldn’t handle.  I’ve abused my body and it’s still here, breathing, walking, talking, thinking.  And it gave me my beautiful 2 year old daughter.  Not to mention, my husband thinks I’m a total hottie no matter what!

    It’s as much peace with myself as I’ve had in a long time, so I’ll take it.  I think we should all try to find that balance—and take a little credit for being fucking awesome women, no matter our shape or size.

    By Katie Kat on 2008 02 02

  8. This struggle was foreign to me until I had a baby. I think the most I’d ever gained was 15 pounds, and I shed that easily by going on the booze and cigarettes diet. The past 20 months has been humbling and eye-opening. And the day I fit into pre-pregnancy pants (which are still “fat” pants but WHO CARES) I felt like five zillion dollars. And you are five zillion dollars too. (A million just isn’t enough these days, you know?)

    By Annika on 2008 02 02

  9. AMEN Sistah! I love you Mrs. Flinger.  You skinny little bitch!

    By Laura on 2008 02 02

  10. Yesssss! I’m right there with you. I think I’ll try the one day diet myself.

    By chilihead on 2008 02 02

  11. Congrats! That’s a great accomplishment!

    I have not been as productive with my eight months since giving birth. I think I’m reaching the “I’ve had enough” point to finally do something about it and lose some weight.

    By Christina on 2008 02 02

  12. What a fantastic accomplishment! Kudos & congrats.

    By Erin - ExpectingExecutive on 2008 02 02

  13. You ARE beautiful, big or small.  Congrats on the loss though.  I love the idea of the One Day Diet.

    By Heather on 2008 02 02

  14. Way to go! Congratulations on 150-mother-effing-9!  I’m going to take on your one-day diet approach.  Size 10s, here I come!

    By heather on 2008 02 02

  15. YEAH! I am so proud of you!
    I did the same—I reached the 150s right before Brady’s birthday weekend. But then I gained FOUR pounds back with all that cake and pizza over several days. Finally, two weeks later, I have lost the four lbs that I really didn’t need in the first place (but it sure tasted good!).

    I think my biggest regret is not APPRECIATING the body I had in highschool/college. I will never have it back. I am not even gonna try to get it back! Can I have my wedding weight back though? Please?

    By hilary on 2008 02 02

  16. Woohoo!!  Congrats!!

    By Angella on 2008 02 02

  17. Huzzah! Very awesome, you and your hot pants.

    By kerrianne on 2008 02 02

  18. How awesome are you? Way awesome. Congrats! I’d love to be 159. You look fabulous. You ARE fabulous.

    By Colleen on 2008 02 02

  19. I pulled out my size 10s a few weeks ago and I can barely describe the elation. I AM SO PROUD OF US! I with you on this one. I’ve always been overweight, but I’ve never been that upset about it. Sometimes I think I should be, but then I decide to be thankful I have a completely different set of neuroses.

    By maggie on 2008 02 02

  20. Congrats! On the 10’s but mostly on the healthy psychological spin on things.

    I say that what is “healthy” for women is so often about the balance between the physical and the psychological. I mean, my 5’9” frame wore a size 4 once, but I was mental case. There is a balance necessary for happiness, and it’s not all about denying ones self all forms of chocolate. It’s not about counting every stupid calorie or beating ones self up over some rigid phony exercise regime. It’s about enjoying your body. Enjoying how it feels to be naturally active. Enjoying how it feels to nourish your body. Knowing what feels best for your body in combination of nourishment and activity. The result is a tendency towards a “normal” and healthy body size as well as a healthy psychology.

    Congrats again!

    By MGM on 2008 02 02