I remember telling my old boss, years ago, my plan for vacation. “Well,” I started, “I think we’ll be getting in the car and taking a right on the freeway. After that? I have no idea.” He was surprised at this. “No lists? No plans? YOU?” I was just as shocked that he’d expect me to actually plan until I realized I’ve nicely compartmentalized my life in such a way I can live in two extremes: The To Do List and The Not.
Now I worry less that I’m some sort of bi-polar schizophrenic and more of a well-balanced human being. To be successful at work and organized enough to accomplish the tasks at hand, I’m willing to place my items in neat little boxes. Tiny little boxes all sitting in a row. But at home, in my own space, in my own self, I refuse. I want passion, adventure, and not a single task on my todo list to mark off.
Less dichotomy, more necessity.
Perhaps this is the juncture I sit at now. Life with children and a mortgage and after-school gatherings are prone to lists, todo items, organization. I’ve been failing for five years to be the “organized” mom. To actually get a child to school on time. To pay a bill. To remember every field trip and every sheet of home-work.
I’m less likely to condemn myself for that right now.
I’m understanding that I, in fact, have always been this person in my own life. Now, though, it affects other people. Tiny little people. And while it is too late for me to pretend that I’m capable of being all things for them, I am trying to find the balance of knowing I can be enough, just as I am. All messed up, driven to passion, crazed for adventure, and always late for everything. One day, I hope they understand.
*Related post from May 2009: The Acorn and Me.