Geeky Talks
Brutally Honest Monday of a different kind: Mom Entitlement
During my years teaching at the college level, I had a few unfortunate run-ins with a type of student that is becoming too prevalent in our society. You know, the “do nothing earn an A” types. You all know the type: The student that never makes class, somehow manages to blame the instructor and cries until he gets an A? And by cry, I mean Real Tears And All, people.
It’s not just the old “My dog ate my homework” excuse. It’s deeper. It’s every day. Every assignment. Every test.
Not al kids are this way but talking to old Professors, they all agree: It’s an epidemic and they don’t know what to do about it except compare emailed excuses and take out some sort of Liability insurance for the-Professor-that-makes-their-students-excel-through-hard-work.
A few years went by. I became a mom again. I quit teaching.
The same attitude popped up at playgroups and on TV. It started permeating daily life in a new twist: Mom Entitlement.
Something clicked one day while watching one of those “news” shows (Dateline? Something?) which featured a successful mom earning a night out. “She makes breakfast for her teen son, works 9-5 and rewards herself at night with parties and cocktail bars!” The mom comes on the air explaining how rewarding yourself is the best gift you can give your child. It’s the best for everyone, really. You work hard, go enjoy life! So she justified her nightly parties by her 30 minutes of morning routine with her 15 year old son.
Look, I say that. I get that. I do that. But when did becoming a Mom entitle me to stay exactly the same? To enjoy my nightlife? To drag my children along my bumpy road of self fulfillment?
I bitch about wanting to be ME. The OLD ME. I whine because my kids are hard. I joke about surviving motherhood by booze. My children are not an accessory, they are my CHILDREN. They are hard. They are challenging. They whine. They throw fits. They spitup and crap themselves.
Of course they do. They are kids.
Somewhere along the way, either through too much Mister Roger’s neighborhood or awards for showing up, we’ve lost the whole “grow a pair” attitude our country was built on. We’ve become ninnies. Do you think our Founding Fathers’ children never threw a fit? Do you think their wives went out for pedis once a week?
I’m not saying we shouldn’t enjoy comforts and rewards because lord knows I love me a Mom Night Out. I love me a four day trip to San Fran with ladies and drinks and no kids.
But maybe when I return I should worry a little less about how hard being a mother is and actually be a mother. Spitup, poopy pants, and real live tantrums and all.
Next up? I insult your religious beliefs while quoting Rush Limbaugh!
P.S. No, kidding, I have a post for the real Brutally Honest Monday Fashion Style asking (begging) for input on this floral dress. I just forgot the card in the camera at home. Unless you want to fling some input about the dress sans-visual, feel free.
<a href=“http://mrs.flinger.us”><img src=“http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3130/2394484739_8a1ed73b65_m.jpg” alt=“Brutally Honest Mondays” border=“0” /></a>
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I love you more & more all the time. Well done!
I think I love this post but I’m too drunk to be sure.
Seriously, you got some go kill yourself feedback? For the record, I’m with ya lady. It’s tiring, exhausting even. But sometimes you just have to belly up and do the job you signed up for - being a mom.
And now I’m looking forward to having my religious beliefs insulted.
All parents complain about it being hard. If they don’t they are lying to themselves. I am sure our forefathers pissed and moaned around the campfire that little Johnny was not plowing the field correctly or little Mary did not churn the butter the right way. It is just different degrees.
Yup. We think we’re entitled + it’s not just mothers, it’s the Millenials…http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/08/60minutes/main3475200.shtml
Worth a watch. I’d be interested to hear your thoughts.
Eh, I think it’s the result of being held under the thumb of society in the past too much in some degree, ya dig? Moms portrayed on TV as these high-heeled, dress wearing cooks/maids/hotties who never complained, used a cuss-word, or needed a drink or a foot-rub. Sometimes we just overcorrect, I think. Now we’re screaming about how “it’s hard, damnit! and I can’t just pretend to be perfect! and I like being a mom, but I need a night out and a break sometimes!”
And if you ask me, the whole Sense of Entitlement thing? It’s rampant in EVERY area of our society. I saw it when I was TA’ing at WFU, too. But I saw it just as much when I was working at Dairy Queen and when I was managing a Brookstone. “The customer is always right” has been taken to such extreme levels that it’s ridiculous now.
Obviously, I could go on for days.
Great post! No go kill yourself. Or have a Mom Night Out. You know, whatever you feel like doing… because YOU’VE EARNED IT.
Bwahahahahaaa….
I love you bitches.
We love you more!
Seriously, though. I think that entitlement is a real problem that keeps escalating.
However, on the flip side…There are people who look down there noses at mothers having any semblence of a life. At least that happens a lot where I live.
For example: When my ex says that he has a BIG problem with me going to movies with my friends after my son is IN BED and being watched by his stepfather (Who would pay money to not have to take me to a chick flick) I will gladly tell him to stick it up his rear end.
Moms need alone/down/play time but not at the expense of their child.
I love all of you bitches too (including you, Leslie!)
This was bang-on. I am a Chartered Accountant (CA), and now teach CA students. They OOZE Entitlement, and I am all, “Suck it up. I had to work to get my initials and SO DO YOU.”
Amen, Leslie. Amen.
I don’t know if I’m still in the honeymoon phase with the Bean, or what, but I really don’t want to do anything without him. I don’t really care if my nails are done, or about having a girls night out, if it means spending time away from him. Maybe that makes me a total freak, but I can own that.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I work outside of home and don’t get to spend as much time with him as I wish I could, so every minute seems precious. Or maybe it’s just because he is so freaking awesome it blows my mind. But either way, my focus is always on him and not ME, and I don’t care if that is unhealthy or whatever.
I don’t want ME time, I want Bean Time!
To all the whiners out there, put that in your pipe and smoke it!
(I’ve always wanted to say that to someone.)
I am struggling with finding the right words to say other than EXACTLY! But I am failing badly. There is a new crop of employees at my office, fresh out of college, and they walk around like they own the place. It drives me CRAZY. I am striving to make sure my own child doesn’t grow up thinking the world owes her something.
I don’t blame the teen to 25 crowd for feeling a sense of entitlement. Physically the part of the brain that evaluates consequences and long term fall-out from their decisions is not fully developed. HOWEVER, (excuse me while I step up on my soapbox)one would hope that after a a certain point a grown woman would be able to prioritize her life so that self gratification is a treat, not a habit. I know the women of which you speak. I am related to some women of which you speak. I’m too self righteous or is it too lazy?)to become one of the women of which you speak(trip climbing down from soapbox wanders off in search of self-gratifying wine).
Is it too much to ask to find balance in all this? Zappos seems to have found a balance, even though the video portrays it’s employees as a bunch of sillies parading around the workplace. Zappos has staying power because it both caters to that Millenial crowd AND pushes the envelope on creativity + customer service. Let me put it this way, we Millenials might do it different, but we still get it done. (Many of us, in fact, are avid GTD—Getting Things Done, a productivity system users + advocates).
Lots of us (self included) own and run our own businesses, take creative leaps, have figured a way out of the cube. For that, I think we can be seen as a model. Maybe a model that needs work (I’m thinking about the early models of cylons in Battlestar Galactica here)...but a solid model, nonetheless.
I love my kids and I love my time without my kids. That time without them is always short lived. I don’t get the party mom thing. It’s so immature.
I so want to know who posted the go kill yourself comment. you should sign that person up for every subscription on the interweb. That commenter must have been a party mom. You rock.
Amen Sister. As a solo parent, “Me Time” is virtually non-existent. I relish it when I DO get it, but first and foremost I’m a mom. It’s called Responsibility.
You’re so right on about the “Entitlement” epidemic. I work with 20-somethings and want to smack them upside the head virtually every day.
Amen sistah on entitlement. You have the right to PERSUE happiness not a right to have it handed to you.
Some days it’s best that Mommy goes out for the sake and sanity of keeping peace in the family.
That’s some serious fucking honesty honey… YOU GO GURRRRRL. I think everyone does need a dose of “grow a pair.” Nobody said being a mom (or parent, period) was fun, rewarding or titillating (RAWR). If you think that, you should check to see if your address is in Stepford.
It’s all about survival, and we all do the best we can.
Like I say - being a Mom (specifically MY KID’S mom) is the best thing in the world and I LOVE it. Being a parent? SUCKS DONKEY DICKS.
My last two social occasions sans progeny totally got annihilated by the little beasts (one or other other or both were ill.) Was I happy about it? No, but I am a mother, so I dealt with it. They were sick and they needed their mother AND their father.
I figure they will not always be around to suck the life out of me, but I need to let them while this still can (and even want to!)
Great post. We do not need to be all-sacrificial, but you are right on about this sense of entitlement that has been rearing its ugly head.
An AMEN is in order.
Even if you criticize my faith in your next brutally honest post.
awesome post girl.
AMEN SISTAH!!!!!
wow. I agree with you. The only entitlement I have is to a mocha after the kids are in bed.
We all need to put our big-girl panties on and deal with it, more often.
Good reminder.
T.
Yah, I don’t get it either. I mean, I signed up for this parenting gig, relinquishing my prior life in the process (willingly, I might add). So if I get a night out, or an hour to myself, it’s a BONUS, not my RIGHT.
And I WILL continue to stay home and beat myself to death parenting in order to prevent from my children from becoming some of those ENTITLED little brats of which you speak.
I totally understand this. Both sides. The key is to find a balance, right? To spend good time with the kids where you’re giving them eye contact and focusing on them and then to eek out some hours for other things you enjoy.
Delurking to say…
A-freakin-men.
I wanted to become a mom. I love being a mom. And even when I don’t, I love my kids. I like my kids…and I don’t think that doing MY JOB as their mother entitles me to anything.
Just like thier being my kids doesn’t entitle them to anything.
I think an entire generation (mine) grew up with a sense of entitlement about everything. As though their very existence on this earth is enough to earn them points.
Life is not a damned gift card. We don’t get to redeem our points for something of equal or lesser value.
Ooh…sorry. I totally soapboxed on someone else’s website.
Okay, so I linked twice - the first is no good, because I am still special with this mac.
AMEN. I love being a mom. Yeah its hard. Yeah there are days I feel like I may have earned a break, but it doesn’t mean that I necessarily get to take it. MJ said it best about the gift card. Someone needs to smack some of these women upside the head with a brick.
If you wanted to live footloose and fancy free all of the time you shouldn’t have had kids.
But…
Leslie, you know I’ve struggled with this 4EVAH in my life after kids. I used to be a Dr. Laura advocate - i.e. if you have kids they ARE your life and that’s that. Suck it up. Then I had a mental breakdown. Well, not really, but I struggled a lot and have finally (after almost 10 years as a Mom) come to own that I am just not thrilled with the job of parenting. And I’m not that great at it. There are many times when I truly believe my kids would be better off if they weren’t with me so much.
Mrs. Tantrum said, “If you wanted to live footloose and fancy free all of the time you shouldn?t have had kids.” But I don’t think most of us realize just HOW HARD it is until AFTER we’ve had kids. I think if I KNEW how it was going to be with two kids, I would have stopped at one. Yes, it’s hard on all of us, but some are better at handling the job of Mom than others. I don’t see my desire for “more” as an entitlement issue. I am just admitting to myself that this is not something I’m great at and instead of being miserable around my kids all the time and sucking it up because it’s my responsibility, I’m going to do my best to make MYSELF happy so my kids have a role model who is not a martyr and who can recognize what she needs to do to be the best mom - and person - she can be.
Ditto…and something else I was going to say but this is the third time my son has jumped up from his nap, so I don’t remember what it was going to be. I am certain it was profound. It is always the profound stuff that gets interrupted.
oh yeah, it was something about floral dresses. Before moving here I got rid of ALL my floral skirts because, well, they were dated. I. Should. Have. Kept. Them. considering we are here in Hawaii and well, everyone (mostly) wears them. Goodness, they still wear ponytails here!
I think, considering your location, it would depend on the print. and the colors. I really don’t know what the fashion is in your neck of the woods.
I second that emotion. Thanks for this post, Leslie. The moms I am having the hardest time with are the ones who pass the “sense of entitlement” crapola along to their kids by insisting 1) their kids need cake 2) a lot of cake, right now 3) it doesn’t matter if the kid sitting right next to them is starving and doesn’t even have rice and beans to eat, “My kid needs the cake!”
This kind of mom will shove all other moms and kids aside to Get Hers. It is not cool with me to put a person’s self-interest ahead (way, way ahead) of the common good.
(I’m really talking about school politics here, I just like the cake analogy.)
Amen!
Oops, I think I fall into the entitlement trap. Though I have been working on my “suck it up” attitude. Thanks for the kick in the butt.
I am reading a book about farm life during the Great Depression - “Little Heathens.” It is excellent but boy does it make me feel like a slug. Those kids milked cows, did wash by hand, threshed oats…and on and on and on.
I am totally new to your blog but couldn’t read this without leaving a comment.. yes yes yes and YES!
You are spot on. Once you have children things need to evolve. I would be a pathetic parent if I tried to maintain my pre-parent life style (I could PAR-TAY). My poor boys would have a mom that slept until noon who only knew how to make mac-n-cheese.
Great post!!
Having children is a responsibility. Sometimes fun, sometimes not. I wouldn’t trade my post-child lifestyle (no parties, bedtime around 8 pm) for anything. Not that I don’t need a stiff drink occasionally!
I loved this post and agree with you wholeheartedly. I try to look at being a mom as a profession rather than just things I HAVE to do everyday. However, it comes more naturally to me to seek praise and rewards for every little thing I do. I want to be better. I really do. Thanks for the reminder!
“But maybe when I return I should worry a little less about how hard being a mother is and actually be a mother. Spitup, poopy pants, and real live tantrums and all.”
I really needed to hear this today. I’ve gotten lost in so much of the “this is so hard” business, that’s it’s getting in the way of being a good mom. Thanks.
I haven’t read the other responses so forgive me if I am repeating others. And I hope I am, cause then I am right. Right?
I think mothers need to go out and have fun. But not as a ‘reward for being a mother’ that smacks of martyrdom to me. And I know martyrs, one gave birth to me. Mums should go out and have fun as part of LIFE. Life has many facets and part of being a well rounded person is not to put your eggs in one basket. I am a mother, an employee, a friend, a blogger, a lover… I am many things. And all of these things make me into me.
As they say, if mummy ain’t happy, nobody happy.
Have a blast at BlogHer and hopefully you will see many a fabulous awesome chick adorned with my Ninja eyes. Flick me an email if you wanna be too.
I haven’t read the other responses so forgive me if I am repeating others. And I hope I am, cause then I am right. Right?
I think mothers need to go out and have fun. But not as a ‘reward for being a mother’ that smacks of martyrdom to me. And I know martyrs, one gave birth to me. Mums should go out and have fun as part of LIFE. Life has many facets and part of being a well rounded person is not to put your eggs in one basket. I am a mother, an employee, a friend, a blogger, a lover… I am many things. And all of these things make me into me.
As they say, if mummy ain’t happy, nobody happy.
Have a blast at BlogHer and hopefully you will see many a fabulous awesome chick adorned with my Ninja eyes. Flick me an email if you wanna be too.
Ok. I know I’m late but I have to put my two cents in. I’m a 28 y.o. mother of twins and I’ll tell you now “me time” is in short supply. My hubby and I have an agreement that 1 night per MONTH (not week) we get to go do something fun. We get a sitter and we go to the movies or out to eat or both or something involving alcohol, but our babies come first. If they’re sick or something, the plans get pushed to the side. We talked for months before having kids because we knew it was going to be hard. We talked about the late nights and the early mornings and everything in between. We made agreements on care and everything (of course we had to redo some of those plans when we found out it was twins) but we made it work. We used to be very adament weekend out kinda people before the babies. The minute that pink line matched the other pink line, we went into parent mode. No more late nights, no more partying. We made a commitment to take care of our little ones from that exact moment. No going back. I’m not saying its not hard. Damn, some days its downright brutal, BUT its totally worth it every moment. And who gives a damn about the partying anyways? It has lost its appeal…(sorry I got on my soapbox but I don’t do it very often…*blushes*)
Well Flung!
Such a great post. I feel sort of like I go overboard the other way sometimes, trying to prove to the world that I can handle my shit, even with two sets of twins and a kid with autism and a moody teenager and blah blah blah. It’s probably just my own jealously, though, wishing I had someone to watch my kids so I could go dance on the bar somewhere!