Geeky Talks
Craving Me
There are some things in my life now that are so familiar, I can recall the smells and sounds as if I’m standing there, ten or twenty years ago. Others are so new and wirey, I can barely choke down the change before time is up and new smells and sounds arrive.
This morning on my jog, I turned the corner to the downhill in front of our street and saw the Cascade Range. It exudes summertime right now with the blue shadows and dusts of snow. It is one of those familiar sights to me while running that make this place home. I’m nearly 19 again running in cross country or gearing up for the season the summer prior staring in earnest at the finish line.
The thing most unfamiliar is the stroller I push and what it carries.
For some reason, the mister and I have taken note, adjusting to the second child has been even more difficult than the first. Even without postpartum depression and all the new-parent anxiety, it still has been a hard change in our marriage and in our family. Our bodies are older. We aren’t as fit. We need sleep more. Our minds are engaged elsewhere.
I’ve joked about why being a teen parent is a good idea and I’m really only kidding. Except that I’m possibly wondering about that alternate reality where we had children a few years earlier, say at 25 instead of 30, and maybe we’re shuffling kids off to school and gymnastics instead of naptime.
The grass, it is always greener, isn’t it?
So this morning on my jog, the one place I feel the most in touch with the me that was Me before I was Mom, I thought perhaps instead of my body failing me, I’m failing my body. That instead of this whole parenting gig failing me, I’m failing the parenting gig. And maybe instead of trying to hold on to was I was, I should embrace the Who I Am Now.
And I would. If I knew who that was.
Jun, 24, 2008 Filed in: Write •Depth and Faith •Getting to know me •Mrs. Flinger Said So • Read the Archives 
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It’s funny (not funny ha-ha, more funny interesting) but I feel really similar. Wondering who I have become now that I have two kids and EVERYTHING seems different. I thought I was feeling that way because I’m a single mom. But I guess maybe that’s not it, if you’re in the same place too, huh.
One thing I have been finding truth in lately, though (besides Anne Lamott, where I always seem to find truth with a chuckle) is that grandmas often seem to reflect back and say that: 1) Those were the golden years and they flew by too fast, and 2) I thought I was doing it all wrong, but now I realize that I was just doing the best I could.
Syd, I love you. You and your Anne-Lamott-reading-wise-commenting ways. Seriously. Loved this.
I loved this.
I think no matter what the age, you lose some of your identity as the mother of young children. I also firmly believe it’s one of the reasons a lot of marriages DON’T make it past the 5 or 7 year mark. It’s WORK! But if you persevere, make time for yourself and your relationship, you can still catch a glimps of who you were. And it’s even better, because it’s who you ARE.
Tell it, sistah.
Just last night, I was frazzled by a frustrating kid-meltdown scene; I commented afterward to my visiting MIL that no one teaches you how to be a parent. She said “your children teach you.”
I just took on a consulting project, and it felt so good sitting in a meeting where I felt like the “old” me.
I don’t know who I am either. I mean, I play the QoSS online and Heather in real life, but WHO are they? The heck if I know.
Thanks for this. I am precisely in this place of trying to step up to the new me. I have no idea what’s taking me so long, as I’ve been a mama for nearly 3 1/2 years now, but at least I’m getting around to it. Maybe we can all figure this out together as we write and read. I know reading posts like this not only makes me feel less crazy and alone but also helps me find my way.
I’ve decided recently to give up trying to “be me” and accept my current role as “mom to two kids” and focus on little else. (I’m quitting my day job.)
In all honesty, if I have no ulterior agenda (is that the right term?), I’m so much happier in my Mom role. It doesn’t matter who I used to be, just what is now. It’s really forcing me to grow up and get over myself in So Many Ways.
Now, I need only to remember a bit of regular self-maintenance, so I don’t go completely insane.
I know how you feel. You will come through this, and it will make you a stronger mom. None of us have a clue what we are doing, and you know what our kids don’t know that. We do what we can, and make the best of it. (Make fun of the rest.) I mean if you can’t laugh at it all, what can you laugh at?
thank you for this, it is nice to know I am not alone. Just the other day I said to my hubby that I should just give up on being “me” and just focus on the kids for now. He looked at me like I had 2 heads.
I really like what Syd’s (first comment)grandma had to say. I know someday i will look back and say it all went too fast, but when I’m in the middle of kid-screaming hell, it is hard to keep that in perspective!
Wait. ON YOUR JOG? GO YOU!
Okay I was at this very place not 2 years ago…it gets easier as the kids get older, to find yourself, to find time for yourself, to find your brain and heart and body working together.
I promise.
But I also think it’s a result of getting more sleep. Ha ha.
Nicely put! I know what you mean about the second child. It’s not quite the novelty it once was and it’s hard to focus so exclusively on parenting and on being the awesome mommy.
Ahh, y’all. I wish I had something more to give you than a big pile o’ mushy Mrs. Flinger that is just so glad to have people to share this with. :: sniff ::
The grass really is greener….I had my kids early. My first was born 2 months after my 18th birthday, my 4th when I was 23. I was so over my head! I look back on their younger days with a lot of regret, knowing that if I had been older and more stable I would have been a better mom. And of course now that they are growing up (my oldest is 19) I am coming to the realization that I will be a young grandmother. Sometimes I feel so old (at the ripe old age of 37)!
On the plus side, my youngest will graduate High School in a few years, and Hubs and I are totally planning on having the “honeymoon phase” that we didn’t get to have the first time around. Woo-Hoo, sex in the kitchen again!
I’ve sat here at my desk all morning, thinking about taking a jog simply to try to reawaken something, anything about the old me.
I know the old me, though - she was 30. Fifteen years ago.
The grass is not only always greener, sometimes it’s lusher, too.
I am the mom of twin boys (14 months old). I thought I would want the identity of the “old” me back. Since that test came back with those pink lines, I haven’t looked back. I think of it as adding to my resume. I am an independant thinker, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend, and a smartass. (I like to be kinda proud of that last one, it took me a long time to get there…hehe) I don’t think of motherhood as taking over, just adding to. Everyone who knows me, knew the “old” me and they know the “new” me and they embrace exactly who I am right now. No matter whether that person is chasing a toddler or sitting behind a desk. Every person sees a different side of you. You are a different person to every person you meet. Embrace all of the “yous” out there in the world because you’re only what you want to be in that exact moment. If you want to be your nineteen year old self, smile for a minute and bat your eyelashes at a passerby…you can totally pull it off.
I’m in this boat with ya sistah…been relying on coffee like its crack lately and I’ve paused to wonder if that’s such a good thing - I mean, its only since the first boy was born that I’ve NEEDED it every day like I do. And running? At least you run.
Not sure how old your little one is, but now that my 2nd is 16-mo-old I’ve gotten to a point where things have settled down a bit and I realize how much more I like being 30 than bein 18. I hope you get there, too.
What an amazing group of women here. Just…wow.
I think, as moms, we all find we feel like this sometimes. We get all wrapped up in the lives of our kids/family and forget about everything else. I know I do. I will admit to putting my marriage behind my kids and sometimes myself, but it’s such a dynamic mix of relationships, constantly shifting, changing. But I see my husband with my kids and I know that I have never loved him more. That counts for something.
I am a work-out-of-the-house mom, and there are lots of days where I hate it. I would give almost anything to stay home. Everybody’s balance is different, what works for them, what keeps them sane. While my kids don’t help my sanity, I know that work doesn’t either.
I kind of jumped around a bit here, but I hope that you can uncover the “me” you want to be, ‘cause she’s under there somewhere!
I had my first at 25 and I still am having many of the same feelings. I finally felt like I had a sense about being a mom to one when along came the baby. And I feel the guilt of my exhaustion. After all, I’m only 27. I should be the young mom who takes her kids to the park and runs with them or says yes to every playdate. Instead, I, too, am shuttling off to a nap in the mid-afternoon.
I so get it! I was 30 when I had my first and 33 when I had the second. Now at 41, I’m exhausted from working all day and running boys every night to practices, ballgames, or scouts. I just keep telling myself that it is keeping me young!
Great post! Keeping it real, that is the only way that us moms can get it all done.
It’s true, when the kids are so little, they need so much from us that we get lost in it for a while. It’s a temporary thing. As they grow and enter preschool or school, we get a taste of what our lives were once again.
I am in NOW WAY taking away from what each and every mom does here, but I am experiencing the same thing.
My background is a bit different, though I have no biological children, I have been helping raise my partners two kids. (Now 17 & 16.) Because of health issues it was decided that I would be at home for the kids. Though I don’t feel that I have lost my identity within this role in my life, I DO feel that my body has betrayed me because of illness. It has been an angry several years.
It has been within the past year that I have felt better than I have in a long time and am now trying to take advantage of this by doing more for myself.
Yes, it is easier to do when the kids are older since they can do (hopefully) many things for themselves.
I think it’s interesting that most everyone I have ever talked to says that they still think of themselves or feel anywhere from 16-19 years old… no matter what they see in the mirror. I can relate to that as well. There must be something to that. Regardless of our current responsibilities, perhaps we need to be looking at what in those ages makes us feel that way. What are the things that makes us feel young? If you were in track, etc, then maybe retake up jogging, if you are physically able, as you have.
Maybe we need to give those things some consideration.
I get this. I am 35 years old, have a daughter who will turn one next week and am currently having a mental tug-of-war with myself about whether I want to try to have kid #2. A few months ago, I was convinced the answer was a resounding OF COURSE. Now, I am not so sure. I feel like we finally have things under control… well, as much “under control” as possible with a pre-toddler. Do I really want to stir the pot? I need to make a decision soon, because it’s not like I have time on my side.
Lynn, that’s a wonderful perspective. That’s what our goal is around here now. “Path to normal” and doing those things we love to do WITH our kiddos. It’s just hard right now with their ages. It’ll get better. In the mean time, I’ll take jogging and camping and whatever I can get.
I can relate to this post for sure. I am 36 and debating on if we should have a 3rd child. But with my youngest now over 3 I feel like we finally have control (a bit of it anyhow) and do I want to go back to the hard days…