Did I ever tell you about the time…

04/Feb/2011

My children were playing “little fucker” at Home Depot?

Now, look, before you get all judgy, let me just preface this with a post I wrote two years ago to prove I have no idea what I’m doing as a parent. Ok? I had a plan. I had a theory. That theory sucked.

In retrospect, the “time and a place” mantra could work. Teaching your children that anyone can say anything as long as it is the appropriate time and place is rather discerning. I don’t want to shield my children from the world but would rather teach them how to navigate the gray areas of society including cussing, standing up for oneself and when an appropriate toilet joke is funny.

I guess at 5 and 3 they’re not discerning yet.

Case in point:

Mr. Flinger and I took the entire family to Home Depot. (Clue One: that’s best to do on a date because children lose their ever-loving-minds.)  We have expectations that mimic parents of the 70’s. We tell you to sit in the cart and you will sit, wait, talk quietly among yourselves until we have thoroughly discussed the options of shiny silver and chrome for the new locks to the house AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.

The children looked at us with wide eye, “But we don’t have any toys,” LB gasped. “Use your hands. You know what makes a good toy? Your hands. And? You won’t lose them and you’ll never get them taken away,” Mr Flinger solves the problem. (Side note: This has been repeated to me half a dozen times so it did in fact make an impression.)

The children begin playing “where is thumpkin” and other hand gesture games appropriate for their age.

The discussions went forward about types of locks, shiny locks, keyed locks, locks of what size and shape and on and on and on until I hear, or I think I hear, one child say, “Hey.. Fucker!” and the other reply back, “Hey! Fucker!” I glance up at two men standing next to the cart where the children are sitting. Their expressions are both half laughing half shocked. I stride over, “Did they just say….” “I think so,” replied one man. “Oh, uh, I don’t know WHOS kids those are. No, I’m kidding, I’m the proud mother.”  He looks me up and down and says, “Oh, you’re their mom?” “Yes, and .. uh.. I’m sorry… Uh.. lemme just move them…”

I lean forward as the children continue their “little fucker” play which involved a thumb telling the other thumb he’s a little fucker and then the other thumb quips, “hey! fucker!”

A proud mother indeed.

Since that time I’ve changed some things around here. I now say “Oh MOTHER OF PEARL” and “For PETES SAKE” and “HOLY MOSES.” I like to think I’m still a little badass. In fact, sometimes I know I’m in the company of other mothers when someone shouts out, “SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!” in exclamation.

Having children truly does change you in ways you never could anticipate. It’s true. Those little fuckers.

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Comments

  1. “little fucker” Snort! I’m glad I wasn’t there. I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from laughing.  So from about 2-3 everything was “shitty” with my son. Regardless of whether it was good or bad.  So yeah “shoot” and “shut the front door” are commonplace in my home.

    By Stacey on 2011 02 04

  2. Mom asked Little Johnny if he had enjoyed his school’s field trip.

    “Yeah, it was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers.”

    Mom said, “Uh, fine, fine. I know what sheep, horses and goats are, but
    what is a fucker?”

    Johnny aid, “Oh, they’re the animals that give us milk.”

    Mom said, “But who said they were called, er, fuckers?”

    Johnny replied, “That was our teacher. Well actually she called them
    ‘effers,’ but we all knew what she meant.”

    By John Henry Donovan on 2011 02 04

  3. The other day I realized the reason that I was cold was that my husband had turned off the heat (“I was hot!”  Okay, turn it down, not OFF!) and yelled FUUUUUUUCK!  My 3 yr old daughter pops her head out of her room and says “Daddy’s home?”

    By Heather on 2011 02 04

  4. Reminds me of the time when my youngest was 2. He his hit head on the table - in front of a house guest. He hit the table with his had and said “F*ckin table!”. Great context, but… uh yeah… discernment. Our kids should hang out.

    By jennyonthespot on 2011 02 04

  5. This is a whole bucket of awesome. Love it.

    This is also what Emily Lewis will go though 3x over when she has kids.

    By Ian Pitts on 2011 02 04

  6. Wait? When did this happen? Recently or a while ago? Rock on mom…
    the best I’ve got to compare are fart jokes in church.. But there was the one time my husband was talking about a friend of ours whose name is Jeanna, and he jokingly said something like Vajeanna.. and my near 10yrold daughter was all… Dad!! That’s terrible. DAD!!!

    Oops forgot how old you are!!

    By Carissa on 2011 02 04

  7. Bwwaa haa haa haa!

    This is when you get the hell out of dodge. And then run into someone from work or church.

    I’m a big fan of the F word around my husband and in the car. I’m not sure how I’ve managed to not drop the F bomb around the girls but I’ve stayed strong. Somehow.

    By Jamie on 2011 02 05

  8. Love it!  Sounds like something my kids would do.  I took a cue from you and told my 3yo daughter that there are certain words that are “grown up words” and she can say them when she’s older.  So the other day we’re in the car when I hear her chanting “Idiot!” over and over - admittedly, idiot is tame but still not something she can call the kids at school!  I asked her if she was allowed to say that word.  “No, I’m just practicing for when I get big like you.”  Nice.  I’m a winner!

    By Sheryl in WA on 2011 02 05

  9. I’m not too sure when my kids will ever be discerning on this point. I only wish I had your ability to change the cursing. I still can’t do the “GOSH DARN IT!”

    By patois on 2011 02 06

  10. I have worked hard to curb the potty mouth - but we also we try hard to teach Declan that there are no “bad words” - it’s just that we can easily hurt people’s feelings, be impolite, etc when using certain words in certain situations. But that is so fucking hard!

    By Aimee Giese | Greeblemonkey on 2011 02 08

  11. Snort. The comments are pretty hilarious too.

    By VDog on 2011 02 08

  12. Once my son called his Grandmother an Ass.  Yeah.

    By Rachael on 2011 02 09

  13. I wonder how many people in the world think I can’t do more than channel old black men from the 50’s because all they’ve ever heard me say is “Holy Mackerel, Andy”.  oh.  And “Oh, Sapphire!”.

    By lceel on 2011 02 10

  14. Wouldn’t have been funny, if you answered the dude at Home Depot with, “Bleep yeah, these bleeping kids are mine!”  Or, not.

    By Liz @thisfullhouse on 2011 02 11

  15. They meant Focker right?  Focker!

    By Dana Parker on 2011 02 12

  16. My eldest announced something that was nearly - but not quite - “duct tape” when she was two.

    I instantly realised that while I was in the car with her someone had cut me up (or something) and I’d shouted “oh for F&$*‘s sake!”.

    I encouraged her strenuously to say “duct tape” and was very careful about what I said to other drivers from then on!

    By pixielation on 2011 02 13