From Sane to Totally Losing Your Shit in 12 hours or less: A timeline

Parenting

May 1: Officially 34 weeks pregnant.

11:00 AM- Whilst talking to a group of moms, have contraction. “BlahblahBlah.. uugghhhhh… uuhhhhhh… pppffffffff…. BlahBlahBlah.” Perhaps mention that you’ve been noticing more of these braxtin gigs lately. Also, they hurt.

12:00PM- Have lunch outside with Mr. Flinger. Choose a Venti water at Starbucks instead of coffee because uuugghhhhhhh… uhhhhh.. ppffffffffff contracting. Remember that last time around false labor is most usually brought on by dehydration.

1:00 PM- Pee

1:15PM- Pee

1:30 PM- Pee

2:00 PM- Keep contracting. Mention to a few people that you feel like the “Pre-Labor Flu” you were so thrilled to feel at week 37 last time around. Mention that labor feels eminent. Mention how you still have to pay bills this month and paint the dining room and set up the cradle and send out thank you notes and…

2:15pm- Pee.

2:30PM- Run up and down the stairs roughly four million times to get child to nap. Continue “pick child up and throw her in the bed” game for roughly an hour and a half. Alternate Peeing and Contracting.

4:30 PM - Decide child may enjoy jumping off second bunk alone for a while so you can lay down and time contractions because HOLYMOTHERGODFORTHELOVE these bad boys are hurtin’.

5:30PM- Decide you’re too hungry to time contractions anymore. Family heads to Red Robin: The ALL American Pre-Labor Meal.

6:30pm- Eat less than half your burger between running to the bathroom at Red Robin and swearing to god you will knock the block off that big Red Bird if he doesn’t move outta your ... UUGGHHH.. UHHHH. PPFFFTTTTTTT… way…

7:00 PM- go home in tears.

7:20PM- Alternate between contractions and peeing and checking the cooch for an arm or an eyeball or something poking out from there like those Enquirer magazine births.

9:20PM- Call doc. Get same speech Charla got… “blahblahblah.. Braxtin hurts more second time around, blahblahblah.. if doesn’t stop in an hour.. blahblahblahblahblahblahblahhhhhhhhhhh.”

Uugghhhh.. uuhhhh.. pppfffttttttt

11:00 PM- Contractions stop. Sniffles start. Child waked up four times in as many hours. Husband sleeps on the couch downstairs (blissfully unaware of child’s non-sleeping).

3:00 AM May 2nd: Fall Asleep creating “TODO list”

Now: Write up “If I go in to labor early… ” list. Don’t forget to paint the dining room! Because? The baby cares what color those walls are…

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