Geeky Talks
How to not write like a douche
Listen up, Blogosphere. This is part 1 of a 3 part series.
That’s right. What I have to say is so important, I am going to do it in three installments. This? Is number one.
Here is a short post on how to not write like a douche.
Its, It’s
Its is possessive. The book is torn and its page is wrinkled.
It’s is a contraction of it and is. It’s about to rain.
You’re vs Your
Editors note: This one makes my tongue curl to the back of my throat and sputter strange noises only gophers understand, so listen up.
You’re is a contraction of YOU and ARE. You’re going to DIE when I tell you this!
Your is possessive. Your husband is getting you beer.
(Maybe you’re still confused? Go here.)
Their, There, They’re
Their is possessive. Their dog just pooped on the floor. Their shoes are moldy.
There is a location. You can find the cup over there.
They’re is a contraction of THEY and ARE. They’re going to catch a plane.
Here vs Hear
Here is location. (Similar to THERE. In fact, this is how I remember this. THERE and HERE are locations - both abstract and real.) We have the best coffee here
Hear is what you do with your ears. In fact, EAR is in the word HEAR. Did you hear that? You can remember now!
Apostrophe’s
People? THAT IS WRONG.
Apostrophes are for showing possession (or contraction). It is NOT for plural.
:: taps glass to computer screen ::
Apostrophes are not for plural.
So, let’s say (oh! see what I did? LET US = let’s) we want to tell everyone we have a moms club.
It is not a Mom’s Club. That is one mom’s club (perhaps she’s a cave-woman or a police-woman.)
We have WOMEN’S RIGHTS.
We own cats. We have a cat’s kennel. I hate cats.
Confused? Read this and then take your new knowledge to mock and point at stupid people.
Spelling
Who the fuck cares? That’s what spell check is for.
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Did you mean gofer or “gopher?” *ducks*
PS - can we talk about lose vs. loose? AUGHHHHHH!
HAHAHAHAHA. Wow. Do as I say not as I do.
(AM A DOUCHE)
You’ll hate me for this as I just clicked over from Pioneer Woman…but:
In your “What’s Up” short bio - it is “claim to fame” not “claim of fame”
In your cussing disclaimer - it is “most tasteful manner” not “most tasteful manor”
...because I’m a douche about correcting other people
People who live in grammatical houses shouldn’t throw split infinitive stones.
Actually split infinitives don’t bother me much. I think “to boldly go where no man has gone before” is a great sentence fragment. I just like to give you a hard time while you’re up there on your high horse.
My husband’s pet peeve is apostrophe misuse. He jokes (maybe?) that one day he will run for mayor on the apostrophe platform, and if elected, anyone who uses an apostrophe incorrectly gets a huge fine! LOL
You should definitely stay away from my latest post. The capitalization will make your head explode.
how about the difference between ‘peak’ ‘peek’ and ‘pique’... that one gets me going too. And I agree on the lose/loose thing
Sometimes I think back to life before spell check and I feel so terribly, terribly sorry for those people.
Eager and Anxious are my biggest pet peeve. But yeah, the apostrophe things make me crazy. Oh, and nauseated vs. nauseous. Can’t wait to see parts two and three.
I just had the it’s/its conversation with my son because he was mixing them up. But he’s only 7 so I guess he’s got a pretty good excuse for writing like a douche.
you forgot too and to!
Yes to all the above, and also the use of “Begging the Question.” If you say, “Which begs the question:” and then follow it with a question (eg. “Which begs the question: what is Greg talking about?”) you are using it WROOOONG WRONG WRONG! <yells>
(I know, “You are using it wrongly.” Folks, it’s OK to be pedantic about some things without having 100% stodgy grammar all the time)
You’re post and these comment’s are really to much! Thank’s for the laugh!
Thank you!! I really hope the entire internet (or Internet, what’s the verdict on that?) is reading.
What’s the matter with you. Your getting all bent because we don’t talk so good? Its not are fault. Its the school’s, their too blame. Geez.
Oh, Flinger, how I adore thee!!
Thank you.
Oh, and the one that frosts my biscuits is bring versus take. You can take something to anywhere but you can only bring things to here.
Also, if anyone tells me that they “borrowed” someone their pen instead of “lent”, I will scream holy hell…
Something for “Part 2.”
affect and effect
lay and lie
Up with this bullshit I will not put !!
Thank you. It’s a shame that people, grown ass people, are making these mistakes.
I HATE MISUSED APOSTROPHES. I hate those other things too, but the apostrophe thing? It just GETS to me.
When I was in high school I worked in the cafe at a Bingo hall and we used to have a sign with the daily specials and soup and things. The woman I worked with? Would always write “Soup’s” and “Special’s” and things like that. AGH! I would erase them and she woudl replace them again. It drove me NUTS.
Oh, also, I HATE misused quotation marks. When people put quotation marks around seemingly random words, or try to use them for emphasis. Don’t they realize that just does the “opposite” of what they’re trying to do? SEE!?
I’ll admit, I get its/it’s mixed up ALL THE DAMN TIME. But I’m trying, I’m really, really trying to remind myself the right way.
May I add the use (or, misuse) of “aisle” and “isle”?
OK, I just did.
I have totally done a similar post on this! I seriously should have been a high school grammar teacher.
http://www.sarahviz.com/2010/03/because-bad-grammar-makes-my-eyes-bleed.html
AMEN.
Also: Advice vs. advise, loose vs. lose. Will ignore you forever if you make these BASIC mistakes.
And, if you call yourself a writer, please understand the difference between effect and affect, know that the point is not “mute,” for fuck’s sake, it is moot, and know when something is implied as opposed to inferred.
Also: misplaced commas, inappropriate capitalization (SO annoying).
And finally, if you are going to use words like nonplussed: look them up first. Chances are, you are using it incorrectly.
Have you ever heard someone say “For all intensive purposes”?
Which it isn’t. It’s “All intents and purposes.” Because, really, what ARE intensive puposes?
And affect vs. effect? Okay, now I know I’m stretching it a bit.
Personally, I’m all about the whole “never ending a sentence with a preposition” thing. Like that’s something I should be worried about.
oops.
No, seriously, I like reading other people’s mistakes. It makes me have a private little laugh about how smart I am.
And humble too.
Thank you for this! The “’” thing makes me crazy! There’s a sign at our local yacht club that says “Berth’s for rent” - last year someone actually fixed it, but, sadly this year it’s back with the apostrophe. Aargghh!
I mean, “sadly, . . . “
It was positively cathartic for me to read this post. So nice that others share my extreme frustration with these kinds of grade school grammar mistakes. I, too, especially hate the misuse of apostrophes. In my work we have an acronym for everything and it drives me nuts when people publish decks with their “KPI’s” instead of KPIs.
I can’t wait for the next two installments!
I’m an English teacher and your post is right on. Also? My all-time favorite word is douche….and fuck is a close second.
Love your blog!!
I love you. The end.
Oh yeah, and when something is not normal, it’s an “aberration” not an “apparition”. “Mute” vs “Moot” also really bugs me.
How about when people misuse “you and I” and never use “you and me”. It’s like they learned how to correct it in English class and now they over-correct.
“You and I” = use as the subject of the sentence. Can be replaced with “we”
examples:
You and I are going to the movies.
We are going to the movies.
“you and me” = used as the object in the sentence. Can be replaced with “us”
examples:
The movie tickets belong to you and me.
The movie tickets belong to us.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop overcorrecting this one and using “you and I” all the time!. Especially stop correcting me when I am using “you and me” correctly!!