I read too much. Information is entirely too accessible. Doctors must really hate this. Or, more specifically, MY doctor must really hate this. If I’m not self diagnosing SEVERE CANCER OF THE EYEBALL one day, I’m probably over-analyzing the effects of blood sugar via carrots the next.

Seriously, I annoy myself, people. This is hard to do, yet I succeed at it daily.

Since it’s a known fact that my hormones are completely, royally, and utterly fucked up, I thought I’d try a little home remedy: Progesterone Cream.

This is not the kind of hormone that makes you crazy, per say. Not that crap you put in your body to keep you from having babies or from trying to make babies or keep babies or any sort of baby-related anything, not THAT kind of hormone. Just the sort that might lead to a more harmonious balance that tends to diminish in PEOPLE MY AGE.—Yes, I’ll caps that.

Apparently there should be a small warning on the label : THIS CREAM CAN MAKE YOU UTTERLY, COMPLETELY, TOTALLY INSANE. ALSO: FAT. ALSO: ZITTY. LIKE YOU ARE THIRTEEN AGAIN ONLY WITH THE ABILITY TO DRINK LARGE QUANTITIES OF ALCOHOL AND SOB WHILST DRIVING. NOT SIMULTANEOUSLY YOU IDIOT.

Or something similar to that nature.

After gaining seven pounds in one month, waking up one morning realizing my face resembled that of a kid in HIgh School we called “Boner”, and remembering what an emotional wreck I’d become, I called my doctor. “So,” she concludes, “You took your hormones in to your own hands and now you’re really messed up?” “Yes?” I sheepishly reply. “Ok. So.” [long pause in which I envision her laughing to her doctor friends pointing in to the phone, “It’s Leslie again. We should have her come in to the office so we can see what she’s done to herself. No, Jane, it’s better than that time you dyed your hair green. TRUST me.”] “I’ll need you to stop taking the progesterone.”

That’s it?

“Yes.”

‘k. Well. :: cough ::

There’s a reason people weren’t allowed to read if they were of lesser mentality back in the old days.

Literacy: Handle At Your Own Risk.