Geeky Talks
Married .... With Children
I remember my dad laughing out loud, heartily, at the show “Married With Children.” I remember thinking it wasn’t that funny. It was OK funny. It was “eh”. But laughing out loud? Not so much.
I think I get it more now. The two kids. The money. The sleep deprivation. The lack of a sex life. The “you better praise your lucky stars I shaved my legs today.” The job. The mortgage.
Did I already mention the kids?
The kids. ... Again ...
We had a long talk last night about our life. It’s hard. It’s not what we thought. It’s more all-consuming having these children. And that’s just from his perspective.
I know you know (but hey! Just in case you’re new here) I was the one who struggled with Postpartum last time around. I’m doing much better this time. In fact, I am almost embracing the whole mom gig. It’s not easy, sure. It’s not always fun, right. It’s annoying/frustrating/exhausting of course. But it’s supposed to be, right? And well.. It’s not all that bad.
Is it possible for Dads to have Postpartum Depression?
I’ll never understand the thought process that having a kid will save a marriage. I had a pretty great marriage. I married my lobster. But those kids, they do things to you. They make you fight. They make you tired. They make you wonder when the last time you did something truly FUN, without having to rush home, worry, wonder what was going on with them. The mister is having a hard time.
And it makes me just so very sad that I can’t fix it. Because I’m a mom and we want to fix everything.
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O.K. it is 9:17 in the morning and you are already making me cry. As you very well know the struggles we had with the boy was hard very hard on me…being home all day long with a screaming child was not easy…but my husband took it even worse. He changed; he wasn’t the man I married for over 6 months and I couldn’t help him…and he still is stuck in this “this child is ruining our life” phase this regret for having more then just one. So yes! it is very possible for men to have postpartum depression…getting them to admit to it and get help is probably one of the hardest things to do in the world. ” I’m just stressed, thats all” is what I would/will hear. I felt like flying back home to where family was for support because I wasn’t getting it from my husband and the fights we had scared me I knew this wasn’t who we were and I didn’t want this phase in our life to end our marriage I knew we would survive and we did!!! WE survived HE survived and we are closer then I could ever have imagined!!! It was hard for me to see our child suffer and cry but it is even harder to see my first love have a hard time!
In 2005 we had Miss A (girl baby #2) and it also happened to be the year that my husband was taking his business to a whole ‘notha level.
I cannot tell you how incredibly stressful this was on us as a couple. I was in the la la la la baby mommy land cruise control thing and he was in the work work work his ass off thing. It was very difficult and he felt ignored by me a lot of times. I just didn’t “get” the whole his business is our future thing.
Things are much better now, but of course my kiddos are older.
Sometimes, though, when they are with our parents for the night we get a glimpse of what it was like pre-kids and we kind of miss it but then it gets awfully damn quiet and we miss them.
But I love this post…kudos to you Mrs. F for talking about how hard kids can be on your marriage!
Sorry to hear that your husband is having a rough time. Mine isnt necessarily depressed, but I know he’s beyond overwhelmed. I think that the husbands have it worse than we do sometimes, they’re expected to provide financially AND help out at home AND relieve the baby-care stress that we’re dealing with, and a lot of time no one realizes how much they’re having to take on, all at once.
I hope that he can find the answers he needs soon.
Ugh—I have no helpful advice or witty thoughts to add. It IS hard. Hard on everyone. I posted yesterday about how I have forgotten how crazy our life was not too long ago. I honestly don’t remember the stress, but I’m sure it was there. You can’t change your husband’s attitude or mindset, unfortunately. Good luck.
I hear ya, sistah. It is hard. It puts a lot of stress on a marriage and a family. Ugh…our mothers never told us that part.
P.S. LOVE the Friends reference! :0)
It is hard. It is so hard. It.is.really.hard.
I understand why some marriages don’t stick.
I read an article somewhere that there was a study done that people who are married with children are happier in the long run? But not happier in the day to day? I totally understand.
-HH
Veronica, hon, you’re making ME teary! I remember you talking about it this summer. I’m so glad it’s turning around. And yes, you’re right, the screaming baby does nothing for your relationship. Eventually they stop screaming.
Jamie, thank you. I appreciate your input and I do need to remember he’s in job mode right now and I’m in home mode just bopping along. It’s exactly what I’m doing.
Carrie, I couldn’t agree more! We talk about Moms having all this pressure (decide to work? not work?) but the dads aren’t given the credit to be torn (work AND home AND financial security AND help).
4andcounting, that is wonderful to know you don’t even remember it. That means there is hope! I’ll have to come read!
AMomTwoBoys, heh, you got the reference! I was wondering if it was too obscure.
And no, my mom didn’t tell me this. I think she wanted Grandchildren so she kept that part a secret. heh.
oh, and HH! You comment came in as I was typing. I’m sure we’ll be happier in the long run. I mean, there will be kids to put us in a home later. And that’s all worth the struggle now, right?
Sweet pea I’m sorry you’re going through this with hubby! Having kids changes everything - I know it’s cliche, but it is true. I lost what I thought was my lobster over the deal when the twins were born. but it was because he had serious issues not condusive to being a partner.
But you will get through it. It may be rough, but it sounds like you are working together as much as you can and in time, the babies won’t be babies anymore and you will get more free time, or at least time to spend together - hopefully:)
I’m thinking positive thoughts for you Mrs. F! Stay strong and stand by your man.
YES. It is legitimate to have male post partum depression. It’s probably a LOT more prevalent than we think, it’s just that as everyone’s said, the men tend to tough it out instead of, say, blog about it. lol.
But YES. PPD is definitely a possibility for him.
Sophia is 15 months next week and it was only this weekend (amidst the waves of vomit and diarrhea) that we felt like a real couple again.
Hang in there. You keep turning corners. It keeps getting easier. It’s never easy, but it gets easiER.
And I know I don’t have to tell you this, but don’t discount the possibility of putting him on drugs if it gets out of hand!
Luff yas.
It’s definitely an adjustment for both of you. Which is why I’m sad when folks think having a baby will make everything all shiny and happy. No, more like sleep-deprived and covered in 3-day-old spit-up. Is there a way you can do something special for the Mr.? Or finagle some way to get a few hours to yourselves? Hubby and I do better (in our relationship) if we can get out of the house for a movie and/or dinner together. Sure, the first 30 minutes is usually spent talking about the kids or other random household stuff (hey, it’s the major stuff in our lives!), then we tend to migrate towards other, more adult topics like real estate, politics, etc. Or reminiscing about the days of sleep and the craziness that was the beginning of our relationship, whatever.
I have a friend that had a baby to save the marriage. Then, when that didn’t work, they got pregnant again. They are now in the beginning of divorce papers.
People are funny. Stupid funny.
I wish I had something to say, but what a beautiful thing you just wrote. Ithink what he is going thru is probably very normal.
Hugs to you all.
I had to go back and find the Friends reference - it’s so much a part of my lexicon that I wasn’t even thinking of Friends when I read it.
Scout has it. Just one more reason we should move to Seattle - so the hubses (hubsi? what’s the plural of hubs?) can bond over beer and ‘wtf happened to my life’
It seems like things come to a head around the holidays… at least that’s been true in my life. We’re supposed to be all Hallmark happy and blahblahblah. But life isn’t that way. You can’t dictate when you’re going to feel this way or that. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves trying to feel a certain way. Dang. Life’s hard! Marriage with children is hard! Hugs to y’all…
This so hits home for me! I already had my oldest when I met David. She was five. She was six when we got married and we decided we wanted to try and have kids right away. 4YO was more nine monhts, five days after our wedding day. Good timing? Oh yeah! We never really got the ‘good marriage on our own’ feeling and went straight into having one kid, with one on the way!
And it’s so hard to really *connect* when you’re not sure you ever really gave yourself time to connect to begin with! We get along great…but these children really do make EVERYTHING DIFFICULT!!!
I was shopping the other night and I passed a couple who was blaming each other for the fact that their toddler was in the next aisle over. I sort of wish I had known them, so I would have been able to make a joke about how they really ARE MARRIED. Sometimes, things just need to lighten up a bit. You’re SUPPOSED to disagree when you have kids. You’re SUPPOSED to blame each other for losing your kid in Sam’s Club!
Isn’t that what being ‘Married, with Children’ is all about?
...and 4YO was *BORN* nine months, five days after our wedding day. Not MORE! How did my brain do that?
I blame the children.
We were that way too. It’s a rough adjustment from 1 to 2.The good thing is, they get better with the 3rd!2-3 is not so bad.
If you get time, stop by and visit my holiday home tour on wednesday.
http://sanctuaryarts.blogspot.com/
Hell, yes, you can have fathers with depression. It is a whole bucket of stress being the daddy. I think people tend to dismiss father’s and their contribution to the home. They are expected to work, pitch in when they get home, help with everything, be patient, fun, understand our craaazy mood swings accept the fact that we are obsessed with our children and don’t quite have the time or adoration we had for them before the bundles of joy arrived. OH, and never ever let us feel anything but uber hot and sexy with our post-baby bodies.
It can make a lot of men’s heads spin.
Oh, girl.
Kids are HARD. In general. On you. On your hubby. On US.
Which is why we make a point to get out WITHOUT them often.
And are planning a WEEK away in February.
WE need to be good, in order for our family to be good.
Also?
That photo is PRICELESS.
Best Christmas pic ever, there.
I do like that my kids forced me to finally grow up. But somedays I don’t want to be a grown-up.
Signed,
I Can Relate to the Baby in the Picture
ps yeah I think guys can go through PPD, too, of their own sort.
Marriage—any marriage requires work to be a good one. It doesn’t happen by magic and the kids? They just make the work that much harder. My husband goes through spells, but his usually don’t last too long. His tend to be more money centered and feeling overwhelmed by all the responsibility of a new house with a ginormous mortgage and just trying to balance it all with a realy non-traditional job.
This time of year adds even more stress for a lot of people. We just have to ride it out with them. If he’ll talk or listen then we can do that but otherwise we just have to keep working on our end and know that they will catch back up and then it will be our turn to fall down again. I know that’s the way it works around here.
Well-timed post. We’re going through this too…my husband is so stressed about the one income, two kids thing which of course stresses me out and then the kids pick up on our tension and are more fussy/needy - it’s a vicious cycle! No advice, but to keep communication open and validate that he’s a good provider, good dad, good husband.
Flinger-
I guess that comment was more for me than you. I’m selfish that way.
I’ll see you in the nursing home—say meet me in 60 years or so?
Aw, sweetie, I’m sorry.
My husband and I went through this after our first together as well…I mean, he went through it and I watched helplessly. It gets better. Keep sending him boobie pictures and he’ll be fine.
I hear ya, girl! I wish I could get the passion back in my marriage. It’s what I miss most.
Yes, I think men can get postpartum depression. When we had baby #2 in May, it was quickly apparent how much harder two kids were than one. My husband has really been struggling with depression lately. No money, more responsibility, etc. - it is hard.
We keep reminding each other that it won’t be like this forever, and that we’re a team, working together towards shared goals.
Oh Les… I so understand! In our case, it was the other way around (I was the one fighting through regret and really struggling with even WANTING to be a mom after the baby was born), but I’m sure guys can experience that too.
We had B through IVF and we just recently got the papers about whether we want to either pay for another year of cryo-preservation for our remaining embryos or “dispose” of them (sounds so harsh). I was SO ready to sign the papers to let them go, but hubby was debating it. “We can ask our friends who have 2 kids and see what they say,” he suggested. I was like… “UMMMMM, those are the same people who told us that having kids was the greatest thing in the entire Universe, and after we had OUR kid, we swore we were going to kick their asses for lying to us.”
Having one child is so overwhelming sometimes that I can’t imagine anyone has more than one. But, I will say, people I know who have 2 (or more) do end up loving it when they are out of the baby phase. I think that’s the true killer. During that time you can’t do anything for yourself because THEY can’t do anything for THEMselves. All-consuming is an understatement!
And if people are having kids to save their marriages, they are FOOLS. My lobster and I have a VERY strong relationship, but even one kid has tested that mightily. Even now, I miss the FUN, I miss the spontaneity, I miss the US TIME. But as she gets older, it really is getting easier (in some ways).
I don’t know—I saw this lady in the grocery store last night with three kids hanging off her cart, looking harried and tired, and she looked at me with a look like “Why the hell do we do this???”
I can’t say I would have had an answer for her if she’d said it out loud.
Try your best to get time for yourselves (stop laughing!). Try anything to get yourselves back. Your marriage is the ONE thing that is more important than your kids (IMHO). It needs more love and care in the long run. I’m sending you HUGE CYBER HUGS!
Yeah. I get this post, so much. I may make Tate read this.
I know exact what you mean. With the birth of J, things haven’t been great here between us. I think it has a lot to do with him finally coming to the realization of what Dada-hood is. To me, Mamahood is old news: been there, done that with the 1st. With W’s birth, I mourned the death of my freedom and got on with my new life. I think the guys don’t get it until the 2nd one comes, and Mama demands that he help her keep the juggling act alive. And it’s even more difficult with 2 young ones who need you for EVERYTHING. *hugz* I’ve kept a lot of this under wraps becuase…well, the internet doesn’t need to know, but if you want someone to comismerate with, you know where I am.
Anne
That picture is priceless!
And yes, kids are a big stresser to a marriage. I don’t know what people can be thinking to add kids to the mix when they have a rocky relationship to begin with. It’s sad. It does get better as they get older, but you definately have to hang in there and make it work.
One day, my husband came up to me and told me he was unhappy. I was completely bind sided. I spent a week at my mothers crying and not eating thinking that my marriage was over. My husband stayed at home crying and talking to friends and family members. He came to his senses and we are still trying to work things out, but kids are a major stress especially if the husband is the breadwinner of the family. I don’t have any real words of advice but just to let you know that I am going through the same thing with my husband.
Boy, does this sound familiar. I’m sorry, I understand. I hope things get better.