Geeky Talks
mommy-guilt kicks mommy-brain’s ass
I actually posted this on our family blog but I wanted y’all to have the option of commenting here. I want my Mom’s input and some gals that don’t read this site to have the chance to speak up, too, so I made it public over there, but it’s also ok if you’d rather give input here.
Just in case you didn’t catch that, I said I wanted your input. Yep. I did. Peeps, I need your help. Bring it on, girls.
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Hoo boy, I am the last person to ask on this one. I’ll “fling” my experience—and, by no means at all, am I expecting you to do what I did.
I opted out of joining a gym for this reason. I’m a tad bit paranoid about germs, and I didn’t like the age range being watched (or the caregiver ratio) at the gym I would have used, so I don’t do the gym thing.
I bought a DVD, exercise with the kids, and (while I won’t be losing gobs of weight fast) that is what I can live with. For me. For my kids.
Let me just preface this that as I am typing I am smearing chocolate all over the keyboard cause I just downed like 8 chocolate chip cookies!! So if there is anyone who needs a good ass running…its me!
Anywho…I tend to base my decisions on the fact that our little ones cry for a reason. Something may not be right and LB is trying to communicate that with you.
Mommy guilt does suck because you are trying to go against a million gazillon years of a natural human response to tend to our childrens’ cry.
To wrap this sucker up, I would basically say this…But LB in a jogging stroller for now and when she gets older, then hit the gym.
I’d rather put up with a big ol’ mommie ass in the short term than deal with the mommie guilt in the long term.
My .02 cents anyways…
Yeah, I am the last person to ask this. I feel guilt taking 15 minutes for a shower. The thought of leaving Gavin to go anywhere puts me near tears. Okay so that is pregnancy hormones. But he is mui attached to me and freaks out when I am not around.
If she is crying the whole time you are gone, I would start to think something is wrong. But that is just me. Gavin cries the first few minutes according to John, and then hes fine. But it sounds like this last time she calmed down. So maybe try it a few more times.
Okay so that was so not helpful LOL.
The children, this age, they cry when you leave. It’s another peak of separation anxiety. I would interpret it as a sign of normal social and cognitive development, not a sign of a problem.
You’ve only gone there THREE times. Each time has gotten a little easier. Probably by number 10, she’ll give you a hug and leave to play with the cool toys they have that you don’t have at home. These things take time.
Tell mommy-guilt to shut the fuck up. Turn on your rump-shaking music, run off some calories, clear your head.
This, of course, coming from someone who sometimes drops her child off at preschool even on a day she isn’t working. And considers herself, and therefore her child, all the better for it.
Just wait until she runs to the child care provider and cries when you come to get her. That SUCKS! She’s doing what all children this age do at some point, but if you ever feel so uncomfortable that you can’t leave her then don’t! You are her mama, and you are human. You have to do what “feels right,” be it picking a work out alternative or letting her go back to the 30 (give or take a few) minute gym care. Now about the diaper issue…I know I automatically assume no one was paying attention to my child, but I would simply tell them the next time (if there is one), that you have an extra diaper and wipes in her bag and to please change her if she has a BM. That way they know you know, and they know they can’t play dumb. Child care is never an easy decision, but you have to have faith in the one you choose. Otherwise that mommmy-guilt will have you for lunch. :o(
Welp, I was in the exact same position as you a year ago. Joined the gym, bought the punch card for child care, etc. It took 2 months of ds and I going 2-3 times a week before he wouldn’t scream/fuss/whimper when I left the child care room. He’d usually fuss for a little while, but more than 5-10 minutes straight screaming and they’d come get me. After a while he’d be excited to play with the other kids there and the cool toys they have that we don’t. For the first while I’d also just hang out in there and play with him, get him interested in some of the toys, then make a break for it when he was distracted enough. Then this summer we made the mistake of just leaving ds home with dh while I went to the gym. Now when I’ve attempted to take ds to the gym daycare he starts whimpering before we even get across the parking lot there and won’t even let me out of his death grip until I buckle him back in his carseat to leave. So if you *keep* taking her to the gym daycare you should be good and not have our issue. But in good news, when I do go to the gym nowadays, 27mo ds just says “bye bye mommy! bye bye mommy” while waving at me with a giant grin on his face - if he’s even paying attention at the time.
Germs: Unless you live in a bubble or are extremely anal about them, don’t worry about it. Most gyms have a policy that if the kid’s sick they aren’t allowed to come in. So you’d usually just end up with random colds, hopefully not anything nasty like the stomach flu or whatever.
Diapers: Our gym people don’t do diapers - it’s in writing on everything you sign. What they do is come get you or page you when your kid needs a new one. You halt your workout, change kid, and depending on kid’s mood, go back to workout. Tell your people to come get you if the diaper needs changing - that way it gets done, and how you want it done.
Broken Heart - hers: Once she realizes you *always* come back she’ll be fine. It’s just that age, ime. Ds threw screaming fits if I went down to the laundry room by myself because I was out of sight.
Broken Heart - yours: If it makes you feel better, hang out right outside the daycare room for a few minutes after you drop her off. If she doesn’t start calming down after a while, go back in and get her. While yes, it’s painful and it sucks, mommy needs some just-mommy time so she doesn’t go insane. At least that’s what I told myself.
I have never left either of my children (One is 7yo) with anyone other than my best friend (once ) and dh, So I am usless with this one.
You need to go with your gut. My gut won’t let me leave my kidlets.
HA! I have actually considered sending Ben to the gym w/ my mom in the mornings (they also have a daycare) so I can have an hour of me time.
Anyway, here’s my thing. If she wasn’t screaming, and if things seemed to be improving, I’d feel guitly about it for awhile if she wasn’t totally happy, but I’d keep going. Because, as you mentioned, the socialization is good for them and the alone time is good for you.
However, I’d have issues with the fact that they didn’t change her poopy diaper. If I thought the care was sub-par, then I’d guilty and rightfully so and NOT continue to go. I’d definitely spy on them once or twice to see if she’s at least being supervised well enough and stimulated and not just left to sit in the corner and be sad.
I really think it is good for both of you. J had a HORRIBLE time when I first came back to work and I would drop her off at daycare and in return it made me feel horrible.
You giving yourself a mental break even if it is only 30 minutes at the gym is a good break for both of you and she won’t thikn anything of it at all after you guys have done it for a while.
As for the diaper thing….make then call you to change that stinky butt. I wouldn’t like anyone letting J sit in shit for any amount of time either!
Lily only had a few problems with the gym daycare. they got me once or twice. Now Emma, Emma is a different child altogether. I cannot even count the number of times they have gotten me after 30 mins of wailing. She does great after a while tho, and if I hadn’t taken 2 months off from the gym for Xmas break, than she wouldn’t be screaming when I take her now. Bygones. I am going to keep taking her to the gym and I know she will stop crying. Come on, it is for ONE HOUR!
Now, the diaper thing, the caregivers at the gym don’t do that. They do come and get me if she has a poopy tho. Maybe yours will as well. 12 bucks a month is nothing. I pay 30 and they still don’t do diapers.
c’est la vie.
Mommy guilt never goes away, whatever choice you make. I think going to the gym to get a break for you and for her is a great thing. But like other commentor’s, I’m not “happy” with her crying for that long. Fuss while you leave her, no problem. Scream the whole time your gone, I’m not for sure about. If you took the time to post this on both your blogs, I think it’s bothering you on an inner level.
That mommy voice that speaks when you least expect it. So, I think you should take time out for yourself and not feel guilty. But I think something about this place is speaking to you and your listening.
Hope that helps. Good luck.
Melissa
OH, y’all, you hit it on the head. All of you. I feel and think all those things, thus the problem.
You’re right, this is really bothering me. The ironic thing is that I used to work in day care and I know for a fact that kids who freaked out when Mom left did just fine three minutes later. That’s what’s so funny about this.
I’ll be consistant and give her a couple of more shots. I told them to not let her cry more than five minutes or so. If she’s unconsolable, to come find me. I’d rather she have me come get her early a few times to know I’m coming back and am close if she needs me. If she is settling down, though, I’ll do my thirty minutes.
I am also going to try going when there are a few less kids (11am is their “slow” time) so she has more one on one attention but also has just a few kids to play with.
If all else fails, I’ll workout at home. Maybe I’ll use her for my weight. (just no over head press with squirmy toddler).
THANK YOU for your input. I so, seriously, appreciate and take it all to heart. And just talking about it helps.
Sounds like you have a good plan- just take it slow and be fexible and figure out what works best. Half of me wants to advise you “Don’t worry about it, she’ll get used to it” and the other half says “Don’t do it if it’s driving you crazy!” I’m the type of person who won’t leave my kid in the nursery, so I know that the “Don’t worry about it” advice is much easier to give than to take!
I’m late to comment but here’s my .02 cents. I say keep going. You are doing something good for both of you. And I think the fact that you are right there and they know to call you if she doesn’t settle makes it a good place to start. Trust your feelings too. If it just isn’t right I think you’ll know without a doubt!
The poopy diaper…I think I’d mention it somehow. If they don’t change diapers then make sure they know to get you for a poopy one.
I’d say try it three more times and if she was still crying after 3-5 minutes then that would be my cue. Can you leave her and peak in through a window a couple minutes later to see how it’s going without her seeing you?
I just have to say that I think leaving a kid for just a little while in the care of someone that is trusted is good for the kid. She hates it, of course, because it’s not you and it is new. But. It is good for her to get uncomfortable sometimes. If you are only leaving her for a half hour… or even an hour…. I say, no damage done.
I know its hard. When my son had to go into occupational therapy and speech therapy and music therapy I wasn’t allowed to go with him. He was about 22 months old and I hated every second of it. He cried every time they took him away from me. And when he couldn’t see me anymore, I cried. This went on for about the first two months of his therapy. And after that? He was fine. He wanted to go. He hardly even turned his head to say goodbye to me when they would take him back. And you know what? That was hard too. Realizing that he didn’t need me in that way anymore, that he trusted someone other than his parents. It was hard… but good at the same time.
This was a lot longer than I planned…
Anyway. I say keep going. She will love it eventually. But if you feel overly uncomfortable with it…. Don’t go. That is a motherly instict and shouldn’t be ignored.
Anywho.
Hope you can find a solution!
Looks like you have a ton of advice to read… Good luck!
oh… ps. I didn’t know you did blog design! That is awesome. Your site looks great… You clearly know way more code than I do!!
Alright I’ll take a shot at this. The third time, although you left her upset, she did BETTER, did she not? She was actually enjoying herself when you picked her up? Then you’ve made progress. And I think the more you go, the easier it will become, until she’s excited to go and upset when it’s time to leave. I speak from experience, woman. It will be good time for you both. You’ll have more energy, be more confident about your body AND be doing something wonderful for your health. All that from a bit of excercise. And it will all benefit your wee one too, in that you’re taking care of yourself. On the other hand, I would mention the poopy diaper. Bring extras and wipes and they have no excuse. But give them the benefit of the doubt this one time, because maybe they just didn’t notice it.
I’ll go with both sides on this topic…YOU time is important and LB will soon get used to the new environment and be fine without you. My daughter handles daycare 1.5 days per week and the church toddler room on Sundays and is adaptable to different places and caregivers (and she’s building up a strong immune system!)
On the other hand, I just joined a gym with some mommy colleagues and they only way we can meet up together is to go in the evenings when daddies are home. So try different options, and see what YOU and LB are comfortable with.
I go to MOPS (mothers of pre-schoolers) at my church and our talk/discussion this week was about maintaining YOUR identity even with kids. Mom is a wonderful, important role for us, but not our only role. The speaker said if you don’t make time for your spouse and time to pursue your own interests, what do you have when the kids are grown? Plus, exercise is going to make you a happier, healthier example for LB to follow
More $.02!
Well I posted a big ole response and it never went through. So…just to throw yet another perspective…is it worth the hour round trip to the gym? That would be my biggest beef! I think LB will adjust to the short amount of time, though, and will possibly learn to look forward to it once she realizes it’s OK and mommy is coming back for her. Now if she continues to be very upset I would rethink it, but it sounds like she is growing used to it. Both my girls are in daycare about 4 days a week and the youngest started this week so I hear ya on the mommy guilt!
p.s. thanks for visiting my blog