My Boobies are AMAZING

25/Sep/2008

Please welcome a post by the lovely Michelle of Mamaspod (Where we do podcasted reviews of places and life in Seattle. She’s UBER fun.)

Several weeks ago, we went to an outdoor performance at a local park. My son enjoyed the juggling and we both took in some serious Vitamin D on this sunny, sunny day in the Northwest. It was beautiful. Crowded, but still great fun. We ran into a friend and her almost 3-year-old daughter. Her daughter had recently broken her leg after an accident on the playground.  So that day she was riding in style around the park- wagon all decked out to accommodate her cast- she seemed to be adapting well even though it only happened a few short days before.  So of course seeing his friend in a cast prompted questions from my son. So we had a long (and extremely repetitive) conversation about how she got herself into that cast and when she could get out of it. Here are the highlights:

Him: How long does she have to wear the cast on her leg?
Me: I think for about 6 weeks.
Him: WOW, that’s a long time.
Me: Yes, it’s almost 2 months; it takes the body a while to heal.
H: Why does she have to wear the cast to heal?
Me: The cast holds her leg still and keeps the bone in the right place and then new bone grows and fixes the broken bone - blahblahblah - science stuff - blahblah- way too much information for a 4 year old- and done.
H: How does new bone grow? (Probably saying this while simultaneously laughing on the inside as he forces his poor old mother to remember back to her college anatomy days in an effort to try and provide accurate information to someone who probably isn’t even listening and even if he was wouldn’t know what the hell she was saying anyway- but yet, I feel compelled).
Me: Your body uses the vitamins, minerals, and nutrients inside of it to create new bone. Isn’t your body incredible?! And your brain helps tell your body where to make the new bone! Our bodies are amazing, aren’t they?!?!
H: Yeah… and also… (without skipping a beat)... My penis is AMAZING.

** sigh **  Proof that men are born that way, people.

And that was the end of that conversation- all of that teaching and effort for not.  What more could be said?  Somehow those boys always circumnavigate the conversation right on back to their “member”- whether they are 4 or 40 it never fails.  I just changed the subject resolving to the fact that I had birthed “another one” into the world.

...Some time passed…

Then recently, my son was taking a bath while I hopped in the shower right next to it.  As I was stepping out of the shower to towel off, he yelled to me that he was all done and made it clear he wanted out- NOW!  So, I grab my towel and quickly wrapped up and helped him get out and dry off too.  As I am standing there drying him, my towel flies open- as they always do (Remember those towels/cover-ups that our moms used to have that had Velcro on the side to hold it closed? - Yeah, I am going to personally make sure that those make a come back- especially after this)...  So as my towel flies open I see my son…  staring… at The Girls.  He stares a while and I ignore him just trying to get him dried off.  He stares some more- I try to cover up again with no luck.  I am sort of hunched over him drying his hair when he says (looking up), “What are THOSE??”

Crap, here we go…

And because you now know I am all about providing accurate information (as best as I can) and anatomically correct names, I say, “Those are my breasts”. 

“Oh ok”.  Easy enough. I thought I was in the clear.  Oh no, not a chance. 

“Do you sleep with those on?”  He asks inquisitively.

“Uhhuh”.  Christ.

“You mean they don’t come OFF?!?”,  he squeals in horror.

“Nope, they are permanent”.  I sigh as I look down at the fleshy flapjacks before me in all their glory, trying to hurry and finish toweling him off so this frightening peep show can be over.  As I catch a glimpse of them from above in my super awkward hunched over angle I realize now why no woman should ever, EVER, agree to be on top in the missionary position anytime after the age of 30 and after having birthed and breastfed even one child.  Don’t DO IT- no matter how much they beg.  You know it isn’t pretty people.  The only reason I am still a DD is because before I fasten my bra I roll up each one like a cannoli and stuff it into the cup giving only the appearance of perky.  The only way I can describe them is like a couple of bivy sacks with two lemons dangling at the bottom of them.  Add in a couple of pesky nipple hairs, a few ever-popular stretch marks, and VOILA! 

So after assuring my son that those “dingle dangles” {as he referred to them that day) actually don’t come off, he asks why he doesn’t have any breasts. 

I told him technically he did, but that men and women are made “differently…” blah blah blah and that “our bodies are all unique”... blah blah blah. 

To which he says, “Yes I know, our bodies are amazing”.  “And Mommy”, (he says while pointing at me and probably remembering our previous conversation a few weeks earlier about broken bones and our incredible bodies), “I just have to tell you, those breasts are AMAZING!” 

Ahh, from the mouths of babes.

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Comments

  1. Hmm, can I come show him MINE?  Because I could use a morale booster too.  Ha! 

    LOVE it.

    By bananas on 2008 09 25

  2. of course they are amazing.  guys think they are amazing, because they don’t have a pair.  even droopy ones fascinate them.  that fascinates me.  i mean good grief…they are just breasts.  oh well.  i’ll probably never get it!

    By natalie on 2008 09 25

  3. This was funny when you told it and funnier to read. Great thing to have captured forever. LOL.

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2008 09 25

  4. hilarious! lets just hope he doesnt want to bring in your amazing boobs for show and tell!

    By the mrs. on 2008 09 26

  5. That’s fabulous!

    By Carrie on 2008 09 26

  6. “Do you SLEEP with those on?” OMG… so f’ing funny. 

    My 3-year-old calls mine “booties” and says “I like your booties mommy!”  What can I say… women are from Venus, Men are from… who the hell knows?!

    By Katie Kat on 2008 09 26

  7. My almost three year old thinks his penie is amazing too though not quite in those words.

    By KD@ A Bit Squirrelly on 2008 09 26

  8. Oh Michelle…I am laughing hysterically and wiping my eyes.  So funny! Boys and their parts, always the focus in most conversations regardless of their age.  ...and to “no woman should ever, EVER, agree to be on top in the missionary position”...I second that.

    By Traci on 2008 09 26

  9. Funny, I’ve always (well, not *always*) described my AMAZING boobies as two bowling balls in a tube sock, but I like your description, too.  Incidentally, do you find you have to part the Girls like Moses and the Red Sea when you need to see your belly button?  Yeah, me, too smile

    By Amanda @rosewoods on 2008 09 26

  10. OMG,
    I just found your site.  Love this!  I’m still crying, this is sooo funny

    But how cool would it be if we could snap ‘em off.  You know, for workouts or to fit into a too tight blouse .....

    By Jenny Henny on 2008 09 26

  11. LOL!  I love the part about sleeping with them on.  Oh, wouldn’t it be luxurious to have removable parts?  And the definite morale-booster at the end.
    Boys will be boys… smile

    By Beth on 2008 09 26

  12. That. Was. Hilarious!
    My 3 year old stormed in on me the other day while I was drying off, took one look at my bewbs and said, “Oh, I LIKE those!” and attempted to tune in Tokyo.
    Believe me, I would have loved to have removed them at that point.

    By Sammanthia on 2008 09 26

  13. I found you from Flinger…Oh My Gosh I was laughing so hard!  I have 2 boys and a 42 year old who acts like his kids and i thought I had heard it all, this takes the cake!  By the way…why DIDN’T God make them removable?  Thanks for the laugh…it was amazing!

    By Geri C on 2008 09 27

  14. I once took my (then) 4 year old cousin to the zoo, and as soon as he saw the cows he SCREAMED,

    “Katie, look at the Cows.  They have LOTS of penises!” (udders)

    And all we could do was laugh and agree.  If only he knew that the were really dingle-dangles and not penises.  Just imagine the confusion that would’ve ensued.

    By Overflowing Brain on 2008 09 27

  15. ZOMG, your new banner is sublime. SUBLIME!

    By All Adither on 2008 09 28

  16. I can’t express in words how proud I am of my nephew!  He cracks me up!!  My 6 year old, then 4 asked why I had squishy ones and daddy didn’t.  I quickly replied, check again…..

    By Aunt Missy on 2008 09 28

  17. Michelle:  I nearly peed my pants at his penis comment.

    If it makes you feel any better, my breasts look like that and I never had a baby. grin

    By MariaV on 2008 09 29