My secret super hero power

My secret super hero power

16/Jan/2007

#Social Clutz Loveable Spaz

If I was a Super Hero, I’d be super anxiety gal.  I’d probably wear yoga pants because this 19-weeks-pregnant ass should never be crammed in to spandex, but I’d surely have a cape and probably a wrist-watch thing that could read the future and comfortable shoes.

Not that I’ve given this much thought or anything.

See, I have this secret power in which I take my worst fear and turn it in to reality. Lately, I’ve noticed how much more afraid I am when I’m pregnant. I’m afraid something is going to be wrong with the baby. I’m afraid my husband will die and not be here to see this baby grow in to a person and want to borrow the car and get witty and crass. I’m afraid the cough my daughter has will spread in to some horrible virus and she’ll die well before we ever really appreciate all she can do or be.

I know you think I’m really off my rocker here, but it gets worse.

When I am pregnant, I have the ability to take some random passing thought I may have under normal circumstance and turn it in to reality. For example: My thought process can quickly turn from, “I haven’t heard from Mr. Flinger to know if he’s going to stay late tonight. .... I wonder how the ride to work was this morning? It WAS icy… I wonder if he ended up in the ditch.. OH MY GOD, there was an accident on the freeway this morning. That was my husband.  SOMEONE CALL ME! My husband is dead! What will I do?  I’m shaking now, I gotta call the police.” Just about then he calls and says he’s on his way home and I forget I went clinically insane for thirty seconds.

Or like when I’m rocking my daughter and her snotty nose before bed and she’s biting her binki because she can’t breathe through her nose and there’s a suck/bite/suck/bite pattern as she tries to soothe herself to sleep. I think to myself, “if she bites the tip of the binki off, she’ll probably choke on the end. That thing could be lodged in her throat and I’d find her dead by morning.  We have got to wean her off that baby-killing-binki! Why does she still have it? Baby Killers! Those damn binki manufacturers! BABY KILLERS!”

Then I go up four times to check on her and make sure she’s still alive and quietly move the binki to the other side of the crib. Like I said. Clinically insane, I’m sure.

It’s not that I’m like this all the time. In fact, the reason I can make fun of myself is that this is so far from who I really am. I’ve jumped from an airplane at 18,000 feet. I’ve climbed a mountain. I’ve moved across the country leaving my mom and dad six states behind to take a job in a place promising a new life.  So this girl that can’t let one tiny thought go without obsessing is someone I’m not really a fan of.  Unless she can get in with Spider Man. That would make Super Anxiety Girl a little worth it.

Comments

  1. There is SO much stuff in life to worry about.  Especially in this day of information overload!  Knowing that, a person needs to make an effort not to worry… It doesn’t help anything, that’s for sure.  Not that it’s easy.

    By Holly on 2007 01 16

  2. I have to laugh because I can see you wearing a super hero costume with SAG embroidered on the front!  Tee hee. OK, you can kick my ass now.

    Take a deep breath.

    Maybe you need a binki. wink

    By Jamie on 2007 01 16

  3. Hey, I’m not even pregnant and I do this!  I remember shortly after I had B, my hubby decided to go out and mow the lawn.  He walked outside with me inside, with the baby, happy and wonderful.  5 minutes later I’m running out the door, in tears, blubbering about how I’m convinced the Universe only gave us this baby so that I would have a piece of him to remember him by, because I was convinced something horrible was going to happen to him!  He was like… whoa… that post partum stuff is no bullshit!

    It’s those damn hormones, I’m tellin’ya.

    Then again, I bought a home pregnancy test today because I’ve been nauseaus and feeling horrible for four days.  Now, mind you, I had my tubes tied 4 years ago, and B was the product of IVF, so there is little to NO WAY I’m preggers.  But, my brain has convinced itself that if it ISN’T that I’m pregnant, then I’m dying of ovarian cancer.  So.  That’s logical.  smile

    Hang in sweetheart!

    By Katie Kat on 2007 01 16

  4. Ah crap. I must be pregnant…Last night I was laying in my bed while my husband was at work (3rd shift) and I started thinking about how dangerous his job is and what if there was an explosion and ohmigod did I just hear a car? Its probably the cops coming to tell me he’s been EXPLODED INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES and what will I tell my son? He’ll be heartbroken…and my daughter, who will walk her down the aisle (she’s two years old, but you know…one day) and holy crap waaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

    This is the reason I have big puffy eyes this morning and dried snot on my nose.

    Must.take.pregnancy.test.

    By Karly on 2007 01 16

  5. Yep.  Hormones.  Those little boogers.  They turn us into the evil twin of ourselves, then get the hell out of town leaving US to clean up THEIR mess.  Eff the hormones!

    By Charla on 2007 01 16

  6. Just so you know…not pregnant, never been pregnant - and I get this way all.the.time. My brain makes these jumps from one thing to another. Seems perfectly logical to me - but to everyone else - I am nutzo. smile

    By Margaret on 2007 01 16

  7. I am the same way pregnant or not.

    When you start arguing with yourself and trying to bite your tail. I will worry and certify you as insane.Until then I think you rule. You are normal mommy that loves her kids.

    By Amanda on 2007 01 16

  8. I think many intellectual and academic folks are filled with anxiety. It can actually be adaptive in college and grad school (because you constantly DO have something to worry about!), but in the “real” world it often seems out of place. I am always worrying. It is who I am. I would rather worry and be relieved than relax and be horribly surprised.

    By SaraS-P on 2007 01 16

  9. At least you have an excuse.  I worry like that 24/7, 365 days a year.  I may need professional help.  Or heavy drinking.

    By CPA MOM on 2007 01 16

  10. Ok, that’s it, I’m sticking a shirt with SAG on it and buying a cape. Everyone in? wink

    (The SAG kills me, Jamie! I hadn’t put that together. SAG. HAAHAHHA)

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2007 01 16

  11. I understand your anxiety. Lucky for you it only gets worse while you are pregnant. I operate at a high alert normally which means ALL THE EFFING TIME. Maybe I just need to put a little kava-kava in my life?

    By texasbelle on 2007 01 16

  12. I totally know what you are talking about. When I am pregnant, I am so freakin paranoid about everything..I have trouble letting the other two out of my sight..I worry they will fall off the couch..fall on the ground..none resulting in a bump but I think they will break their neck or something..if my inlaws want to take them for the day..drive 40 mi away, I assume they will get in a car accident, or drive off the mountain road to the valley below. so much of it is so unrealistic and I hate that I have these freak out moments..DH cant stand it..I just wonder after the baby is born if it will go away. Its driving me nuts! haha But I know what you mean, I am doing the same thing! (hugs))

    By Bree on 2007 01 16

  13. Uh-oh. What if ummm . . someone . . had these types of thoughts every day, pregnant or not? would that make them crazy?


    Geez, I hope not.

    By Renee on 2007 01 16

  14. I hear you! Oh yes. I hear you. And I’m NOT pregnant!

    By Marie on 2007 01 16

  15. I think this happens regardless of being pregnant. I think it’s when you have that special someone you love so much that you couldn’t bare to live without at this point. Or have had children.

    A few times a year we get a call at 3 in the morning from G’s mom. She had a dream of something bad happening to G, me, or the kids and had to call and make sure everything is OK. Seriously, gives me a heart attack thinking “Why the hell is she calling at this time of night?”. Just checking to make sure we are all ok.

    G does the same thing, he wakes me up to ask me if I have cancer that I haven’t told him about. Or to see if I was cheating on him with his brother (he holds a grudge against ME and is MAD at ME if he has a dream like this). All I can say is “EEEWWWWWW!!”

    Ha, love the SAG. I think most of us who have had children would qualify!

    By Nicole on 2007 01 16

  16. Oh, yeah.  SO know the feeling.  SAG.  All applications.

    I still wake up several times a night, even on those rare nights that Bethany actually sleeps, just to make sure she’s still breathing.  I thought I was over my post-partum crap, but maybe not. I’m NOT pregnant again…

    By Stephanie on 2007 01 16

  17. Well, if we’re being honest… I think I started SAG the day I got knocked up with LB.

    And it never went away. I’m just more.. er.. vocal about it, maybe, when I’m pregnant. (Of course, I’m more vocal about EVERYTHING when I’m pregnant. Yeast Infection, anyone?)

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2007 01 16

  18. You mean it will get worse when I’m pregnant? Lord help us all.

    By Leah on 2007 01 16

  19. Welcome to my world Leslie! I get it from my momma! She passed it on to me. I think every one of the scenario’s you discussed above , have gone through my brain. But seriously go try to relax a little. Do something that relax’s you. Bath, meditation, praying, orgasm… Did I just put pray and orgasm in the same sentence? But thats all good because God wants us to be sexually active with our husbands. Ok, I’m just going to shut up now. XOXO

    By kelli on 2007 01 16

  20. thank you for taking something that i’ve struggled with my entire life (yes, worse when i was pregnant) and turning it into something useful smile

    ditto on this whole post.

    By Piglet on 2007 01 16