On Depression and Darkness

21/Nov/2011

Events, months, season, holidays, years. Each one sliding by less influential each time.
The daylight ends so early now. Darkness chills the children as they walk off school busses.
Commuters rush in drizzle rain to the warmth and glow of home.

There is a place I dislike to go. My mind swirls with lonely thoughts. If I chat loud enough, I do not hear her.

I try to not hear winter breathing down my neck.

A year? Two? More? How long has this winter lasted? Why is she here again, so soon?

My children delight in the dark. “It’s almost Christmas! Mom, look!” breathless they point at the houses already lit with twinkle lights. I smile, aching for their joy. I hold them close, hoping by some tactile osmosis, their enthusiasm for life will soak in to my bones. I cling to them almost with unhealthy gulps. The very people who used to cause me such anguish, such uncertainty, are the very ones who seem to be saving me of myself. I curl up with them in their beds, listening to their breathing. I watch as they relax in to calm. I wonder if I will ever find that space again; the peace, warmth and hope that comes with innocence.

I reach out for familiarity. I find songs, blips of light from favorite scenes in movies, quotes in books. I revel in the colorful paintings my children proudly display for me. I work diligently to find the Happiness. And yet, here, in this space, the darkness is heavier than I expect. I try, I try, I try. And yet…

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Comments

  1. Beautiful hon. Hoping I can be some light for you.

    By Vdogblog on 2011 11 21

  2. Hang in there. Sometimes light seems so far away, but really it is there all along, just kind of hidden under all the crap we pile on top of ourselves.
    Sending you love from Scotland where it is dull and dark for 90% of the winter months and always bloody raining.
    You will find the light again, stop being hard on yourself and trying too hard to find it. I know exactly how you feel and it wasn’t until I kind of let go my despiration to find my happiness again that I slowed down and let it creep up on me bit by bit.
    All best
    Karon x

    By Karon on 2011 11 22

  3. Your writing makes me weep. It’s so beautiful but now I’m sitting in a puddle.

    By Alana on 2011 11 22

  4. Thank you and sorry, Alana. It’s the “misery loves company” problem?

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2011 11 22

  5. Ah, thank you, Karon. Scotland! That’s so like here. I think it’s why we’re very good at distilling alcohol. :D 

    I like what you said about letting go and slowing down to let it creep up on you. I’ll remember that during this busy holiday season. Thank you for that.

    By Leslie Flinger on 2011 11 22

  6. You already do, babe. xo

    By Leslie Flinger on 2011 11 22

  7. More seasons await, until we get there, many hands are here to hold yours.
    xo

    By amandamagee on 2011 11 22

  8. Remember: the spring and its beauty ALWAYS follow…

    By Karla Porter Archer on 2011 11 25

  9. Sometimes, it’s the small pleasures that keep us going…especially, this time of year.  Thinking of you and sending you a bit of virtual inner-sunshine.  Hang in there, my friend.

    By Liz Thompson on 2011 11 26

  10. We need winter so we can have spring…keep you chin up lady.  xoxo

    By Carrie on 2011 12 01