Geeky Talks
The Tale of Costco (aka: Why you are thankful you don’t live by us)
I hate Costco. I hate Costco the way alcoholics hate bars. The way recovering smokers hate Neil Diamond concerts.
My children, they amplify the situation.
We call Costco the $100 store. It’s the place you walk in needing two things and walk out with a tab well over $100. “We need diapers and toothpaste.” I mark it off the list. An hour and seventeen items later, the cashier says, “$234 dollars please.” Every. Single. Time.
My children begin to foam at the mouth about a mile before the turn in. “Are we going to COSTCO?!” my four year old yells. “Yes!” I reply. My two year old says, “SAMPLE? SAMPLE?” And then the foaming, it gets worse until the time we actually walk in to the store and I’m carting around two rabid dogs who refuse a leash. They seek out the sweet little sample ladies like drug dogs on a bust. They can smell frozen ravioli from seven isles over.
I’d be proud if this was a marketable skill.
Usually at some point during the whole charade known as “shopping”, the children begin to melt down. The samples have been licked clean, the isles of canned goods stretch out in a foreboding hike and the massive amounts of bread selection tower like mountains.
They totally. Loose. Their. Minds.
At this point I turn to some lovely couple in the bread isle. They are discussing the merits of Whole Grain vs Whole Wheat. I lean in and whisper, “We’re walking birth control, I swear.”
They don’t laugh.
And so it continues. We smack in to isles of people quietly hoping to get their dinner and perhaps a vat of mayonnaise before heading home. We echo through the store as my two, yes, I only have two, children whine and fight and I think, perhaps, start speaking in tongues.
We finally hit the checkout.
“Hi, thank you, that will be $234” as I slide my card. I look over to the spawn of my loins, the physical love of my husband and me, about the time they begin pulling the “Childrens’ Hospital Donations” sign off the wall. The checker is disapproving. The people behind me wonder what kind of mother I am.
I look at my cart filled with diapers, bread, milk and cheese. I see the huge boxes of graham crackers and cheerios. I wonder, not quietly, why Costco doesn’t sell massive quantities of condoms among the vats of oil and 4lb bag of chips.
Then I remember, they have us. Who needs birth control when you can shop with the Flingers?
Just sayin’.
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So replace COSTCO with Walmart and add in two more kids and you have just told the story as a day in the life of me. I.swear.to.God.
That is our story too. It is so sad. a few weeks ago, we went to Costco to get shrimp scampi, my husband’s favorite. We had a budget, but produce got in the way. Like tiny colored peppers and corn (which ended up being bad and we had to return it). Know what we had to leave without? Yep, the shrimp. My husband was devastated. Happily, a good Samaritan behind us in line bought it for my husband after seeing his distraught look - I actually blogged about it here: http://www.nibbana.net/a-random-act-of-kindness . Yeah, we hate Costco too!
Forget showing the birth movie (although that is terribly traumatic too)... stories like should be told in middle school sex ed classes!
“I hate Costco…The way recovering smokers hate Neil Diamond concerts…” How about “The way recovering pot smokers hate Steve Miller Band Concerts”!
I’m with Shannon. I despise WalMart - with all of my being. But slap my butt and call me hypocrite because yes, I still shop there.
mwahaha. awesome.
w/3yo. Last night.
>>
Kid cracks me up. Tonight at Costco. Very loud: ‘Stop walking daddy. I have to fart!’
HA! Absolutely true! Costco induces impluse bulk buying to heights unseen.
I hear ya! I too, “hate” Costco. However, they do sell massive packs of condoms in the pharmacy section. Usually right by the 39 Chapstick assortment packs! Ha!
They do sell condoms in bulk. But never carry much variety.
This exact same thing happened to me YESTERDAY!! Went in for laundry detergent, softener, and paper towels and walked out $86.16 poorer, along with 18 eggs, like 10# of grapes, 3 rope toys for my baby Kaya (my baby walks on all fours, wags her tail, and licks her bum), a case of grapefruit cups and a 800# bag of Salt & Pepper Pistachios! WTF?!
That illustration is absolutely teh awesome. Sounds like all kinds of AWESOME fun shopping with you and the kiddies. If I’m ever in town, I’ll come help wrangle them with you.
Cause that’s the kind of friend I am.
XOXO
If Costco had a kiddie play area like Ikea…I would gladly drop $236.18 (my last visit for diapers)weekly. We call the samples “dinner.”
Hahaha!
Though when I read $100, I thought, boy, she gets off cheap. We can pretty much guarantee $300+. We have one more kid, though…
I once checked out my recept and found I’d spent $78 on CHEESE!
Substitute Costco (we don’t have a Costco here, WHAT? I KNOW!) with just about any other store and I have so been there (particularly about the kids ripping things and running like banshees and losing my ever-loving mind).
Precisely why I refuse to join one of those warehouse clubs! LOL!
you are HYSTERICAL…if you werent already married i would ask you to marry me…
No Costco here but we have sams which i imagine to be very similar-the hubby refuses to take any of us with him when we need something from there…
I so hear you!
I am not a member but my friend who is has taken me a handful of times. Just a little of this, and oh this, and of course this, and THIS! really adds up!
What, you don’t hit the food court first and get a smoothie or two to quiet the masses? That’s how I manage to do it with 3, 3.5 kids.
But God love those huge carts - I can fit so many kids in there. But I’ve also gotten out of Costco for like $5-$10 if I’m only in and out for samples and milk/bread. Rare, but it happens. Only takes us 5mi/15min to get there though - I’m sure it’s a bit longer in your neck of the woods.
This post had me dying with laughter. Perhaps it’s because I am so glad we’re not the only ones who wish Costco sold condoms in bulk! Then again, it would just be our luck that we would buy the only defective box ever made…
Have you seen our Costco video from last year? Talk about birth control. http://bit.ly/15LVvV
Are you sure you are not my sister-in-law. I could have sworn these were her kids becuase mine would never, I mean NEVER act like that. Actually my 12-year-old knows better, and the baby, well he is the baby still. I loved this story. I always dread to see the amount on the register at Wal-Mart. I guess the point is make the list and stick too it, huh? LOL. Love your site.
Well, just consider it your little way of giving back
I let our Costco membership expire over a year ago, and it was seriously one of the best things I’ve ever done. I can get diapers on sale at Target for the same price as Costco. And our kitchen doesn’t have the storage space for bulk food. It’s just not worth the hassle.
Change Costco to Meijer and you have my family. I learned YEARS ago to go to Costco by myself if I want to accomplish anything and spend only $100 each trip.
I truly do not understand the attraction to Costco. All my friends are obsessed with it. I personally can’t stand it! Why would I spend so much money on a MASSIVE package of potato salad, when we can only eat a few spoonfuls of it? I just don’t get it.
I don’t go to Costco because I have a phobia about getting killed by a pallet of falling Pampers. Honest. I live in Southern California! Earthquakes! Could happen!
We just went to BJs today and only spent $217. Yah, awesome. Happens every time to us too. And ps my husband can’t ever go there without saying BJ about a million times.
Dude… that’s NUTHIN’!! You should see how my HUSBAND acts in that store! Talk about your rabid dog on crack… or whatever. It’s so bad, he flat out lies to me when I catch him there, as if he was with a prostitute… which would probably be cheaper.
Oy… the Costco.
LOL @ all y’all’s accounts. This is the best birth control next to babysitting my niece & nephew. As well as Christine’s video. You guys are my heroes, for real.
Bulk purchases are good for dry goods, cleaning items, and drinks. Yes, I am a dork, but I have calculated prices per ounce/pound/item/etc and compared them to Walmart & regular supermarkets and when it comes to TP, paper towels, cleaning detergents, etc. it’s way cheaper. And in Puerto Rico, when a lot of the stuff is imported, when needed, veggies and fruit in bulk is cheaper too.
But it is hard to not walk out w/all kinds of crap. My $86 the other day was after I took out the heavy cream, parmiggiano reggiano, bacon, and 8box set of pasta. Hubby was crushed I didn’t make Pasta Carbonara, but hey, leftovers were cheaper. LOL!
Costco is evil. I’m totally convinced of it.
Heh. My faves are garbanzo beans to make hummus, and canned tomatoes & paste to make dinners.
And soups, pastas, sometimes booze…
Hee. Natural BC.
hilarious. and a little too close to true to suit me
My daughter actually waves and says “Hi Costco!” when we drive by like it’s her BFF! I bribe them with a treat from the food court after shopping. If you hear “Stop poking your brother with that toothpick or you don’t get a churro!!”, it’s us.
Don’t live near a Costco. But I don’t need to in order to fully empathize with your experience. It’s amazing how many candles I have to carry with me for all those exorcisms I preform on a daily basis on my children.
We live five minutes from a Costco, and like the rest of you we do end up shopping there a lot. The prices are worth it when you have five kids.
When my kids were little, and yelling for samples, I made the rule that you could have only if you asked politley-waited for a yes-and said thank you. It was a wonderful way to practice manners. Now in their teens they still do it.
If the checkouts are super busy, go through the cigarette check out. The checkers are generally very sympathetic and will let you even though you arent buying smokes. Almost no one knows this trick! Until now. I think posting it on the net is going to cause a riot.
Now that my kids are older and samples dont appeal as much as they used to, I consider a smoothy for every two(they have to share) part of the grocery budget.We get them at the start of the grocery shopping, not the end. That way I can tell them that I already got them a treat so no, I wont buy another. No jumbo bags of M&Ms;get bought.
I hope some of this is helpful.
You do have my full sympathy, Ive been shopping at Costco since my 18 year old was a babe in arms.
BJs is our equivalent of Costco. My kids have no idea as to the perils of bulk buying. They try to load up the cart with favorite yougurt (yes, of course kids, we will eat all 300 of them in 2 weeks before their past due). Our a barrel of animal crackers. (Who am I, Mr. Olsen with a shovel and a paper bag?) or 48 muffins for tomorrow’s breakfast? (Yes, let’s have a Residence Inn buffet tomorrow!)