Geeky Talks
The Nazi Nurse *updated
I had an OB appointment today with the “new OB.” It wasn’t a recommendation from anyone specifically, but he had a spot open for a new patient. Now I know why.
The “nurse” came out wearing heels, capris with nylons, and a bright pink sweater under the white coat with name tag “CARMAN, RN.” She had huge puffy bleached hair and a thick German accent. She started out ordering other people around while I waited for her to take me back, to what I only could assume would be, a nazi camp. She barked at me to put my coat down and step on the scale. “But not yet!” she yelled. I stepped back. “Leave your shoes on and NOW, GO NOW, oh, you missed it you have to wait for it to say Zero now.” Apparently the scale is extremely sensitive and you must know the Nazi hand drill, jump four times and yell “HAIL HITLER” before getting on, all of which I totally fucked up.
I peed in the cup and handed it to her (I literally had to squeeze Urine out for fear she’d out me for not being able to piddle) and waited while she wrote down things about me “gaining too much weight, looks bigger than she should be, doesn’t know the scale drill.” She wouldn’t listen when I said I had a miscarriage on 8/28 and it was not a normal period. That I ovulated late because my cycle was messed up and this baby is the product of the ONLY TIME there was any action since the miscarriage. She didn’t need the sexual history, apparently.
She huffed out of the room but returned a minute later with a doppler, “Forgot to listen to baby’s heartbeat” she said in her accent (which may have been fun if she wasn’t such a bitch about everything). She spent ten minutes looking for the heartbeat. She found mine a few times. She heard some swooshing of my blood. She heard static. And nothing. Ten minutes of absolute hell. Then she gave up and walked out of the room.
I sat there, alone, for twenty minutes with a dead baby in my uterus.
Or at least that’s what I thought. I bawled, texted Mr. Flinger “Can’t Find Heartbeat” and had a major meltdown right there in the gown with the opening in the front like I was asked to do. The longer the wait got, the more decided I was on two things. One, I would never come back here and two, I was going to leave RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
Finally the doctor came in, quizzically looked at me with my red poofy eyes. “She didn’t find the heartbeat” I muttered trying to breath and not cry. “Oh, I’ll get to that,” he dismissed. He sat and talked to me for a good thirty minutes all during which I sat teary waiting and thinking, “none of this matters if there is no baby. I don’t want to talk about pregnancy. There is no baby.”
At last he got to the physical exam, measured my uterus (which is measuring large, another way of saying, “hold on there, cowgirl! Not so much on the cheese and crackers!), and got out the doppler. I closed my eyes and ten seconds later heard the refreshing swoosh swoosh of CB. Then I really lost my shit. I believe I actually yelled the words, “THANK THE LORD!” and cried right there with my boobs open to the ceiling and my uterus hanging out with goop on it. I’m sure a crying uterus is not the hottest thing ever because naked people coughing is the exact opposite of hot. But it didn’t matter. There is a baby.
(Happy 15 weeks tomorrow. What? belly shot? Oh, shit, right, I’ll be RIGHT on that. Right. Gotit. Sigh)
**updated ** Wow. You people really want your belly shots. Personally, I prefer tequila, but whatever.
Here ya go! (please ignore the light perspiration. I believe I haunched over the sink shortly after this was taken…)
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I’m so sorry that you had to wait there not knowing…that’s horrible. I had to speed-read to get to the end. So glad CB is growing and thriving!
That nurse and OB sound terrible…can you shop around some more? Are there other providers in the same office you could see? I hope you find someone who you trust to reassure you when everything is progressing normally.
I plan to do exactly that. I have a few OB names people gave me after I posted about not finding one. I’ll be checking them out now. It’s just so sad that it’s so hard to find a good doctor. One with a nurse that is not a Nazi.
Dear God the waiting!
Yeah, I’d quickly find another practice. I moved at about 5 months prego and went to a place someone recommended and it sucked royally!
I didn’t go with my instincts, but I totally should have. There were not even any baby mags in the waiting rooms.
OHMAGAH… that sounds exactly like the first OB I tried this time around. Right down to the arguement over late ovulation/conception date with the b**** nurse and then the STUPID doctor who was the most insensitive to “this girl had a miscarriage as her last period” that I can ever imagine.
Run.
Run far. Run now!
And rent a damn doppler!
OMG! Run as fast as you can.
Happy 15 Weeks!!!
Belly shot, please.
UR so wrong, you naked and crying with uterus goop is HOTT.
Anyway, you definitely have to find another doctor, you shouldn’t have to put up with a nurse like that! And I’m glad that everything is going well with CB.
I am so glad there is a heart beat. Go shopping for another DR.
Well, you heard a heartbeat and that’s very important.
Now, we hope to read an equally funny post about your new, hot OB!
I hate it when doctors do that! My husband had kidney stones once and the doctor asked him if he’d ever had “male sex.” He gasped, said no, and she left for about 2 hours. We waited there like “oh my gosh….does she think you have AIDS???” She came back and said, “everything’s fine, it just must be a small kidney stone becuase it didn’t show up on the scan. You can go home now.” AAAAhhhh…I hate that!
What a bitch of a nurse. Sorry she caused you to worry like that. And yippee for the heartbeat!!
yea, but see Erin, if the nurse freaked me out not finding the heartbeat, I think I’d really lose it if I couldn’t. Don’t ya think?
And Y’all, man, I’m sorry for shitty doctor stories but it is nice to know I’m not crazy and that it isn’t a crappyass dream but a real experience. (That I don’t need to do again. Ever.)
Even if you have to wait, schedule yourself with somebody new. Call the hospitals in your area and ask the nurses in Labor and Delivery who they see. Even if it takes a few weeks, Your next big appointment should be the 20 ultrasound. If it gets delayed a week or two you’ll be alright. But you need to have an office that’s a bit more professional. This guy, as competant as he might be, isn’t interested in paying good nurses good money, which is why he has an idiot on staff. You might also consider looking into Certified Nurse Midwives (yes they deliver at hospitals and yes you can still get drugs and an epidural with one).
I have had that exact same experience. Medical “professionals” can be so clueless! Even given that, I would weigh in with “don’t” rent a doppler. I’ve know so many people who did and then worried themselves sick because they couldn’t work it properly and had to go fleeing to a doctor everytime they couldn’t find the heartbeat. I made a conscious decision to leave it up to the people who use the machine everyday… but I also changed OB/GYNs when I got treated badly by the first one. Remember, you don’t have to tell this one off until after you’ve found one you like better!
Oh yeah. It’s time to find another OB. I’m surprised the nurse lived….Cruel, insensitive B*tch.
I would totally work the prego hormone thing for all it was worth, when the doc comes in and Im sniffly and crying and he asked whats wrong I would say, “your nurse is a BITCH!....my bad…hormones, ya know how it is.”
Yay heartbeat! Boo bitch-ass nazi nurse!
Why, oh why, do people like her work in OB offices? The fact that someone like her can find work anywhere is surprising enough. Sorry you had that awful, frightening experience.
So glad everything’s OK and going well!
would you PLEASE find a new doctor? Please? Nobody, especially not a pregnant woman, needs to be dealing with bullshit office staff. Kindly inform the dr that his nurse sucks and find someone new DAMMIT!
Glad that the Dr. found the heartbeat- we go tomorrow to hear ours for the first time, and I gotta admit, I’m a liitle apprehensive about it…wish me luck. Are you feeling better yet?
I’m so glad all is well. Hail little CB! I haven’t been on the net too much but have been keeping up with you in between running here and there and everywhere. It’s been mad I tell you. But thinking about you often (((smooch, smooch)))
Oh dear God, I hope she wasn’t from the office I recommended…
AAACCCKK! What a bitch!
CONGRATULATIONS!
I had trouble feeling fetal movement with both my babies and with the first had to do regular fetal monitoring at triage for the last 6 weeks followed by an emergency c-section 8 days early due to reduced fetal movement. With my second pregnancy I was tempted to visit triage on a daily basis out of fear that I wasn’t feeling enough movement. I HATE that panicky feeling that there’s something wrong with the baby! I feel your relief. And all I can say is: congratulations! I have an awesome OB/GYN to refer you to, only the 2,000 mile commute probably won’t work for you.
Yeah, find a new doc. Unless you can specify that you never want to see that nurse again. When I was preggo with the toddler, I somehow managed to get the sucky nurse every visit that last few months. My bp went up 20 points just seeing her in the office, and another 30 points if she did all the basic checks. Every. Single. Time. Thanks in part to her I had a failed induction. And hey, tell the OB why you’re not staying with him. Just in case he actually cares or wants to know (you never know).
Since you can’t do shots for another 25 weeks or so, I will do a few for you
You look gorgeous.
Since you can’t do shots for another 25 weeks or so, I will do a few for you
You look gorgeous.
When I was pregnant with Evie, a nurse did that to us once. I was exactly the same as you and convinced myself she was dead. Haaaaated that nurse.
Your belly is adorable!!!
Ugh! What a horrible doctor. You handled it much better than I would’ve since you manages to not hyperventilate yourself into a faint.
You look fabulous!
What an insensetive biznatch nurse!
But, your belly shot is super cute!
I’d rent that doppler, if I were you….
Your uterus was hanging out? Isn’t that like physically impossible? Oh, my. Maybe you should look into a ute tuck after this kid’s born! LOL!
MUAH!
Heels with capris AND nylons?! Uh, right.
It’s official… you LOOK pregnant!
My eyes! My eyes! Those BOOBS! LOL
I love the belly shot. You look glowing (don’t tell anyone it’s really sweat.) You are glowing, my dear.
You just look like you ate an extra donut at breakfast, not like a 15 week pregnant woman on child #2. You are a tiny little thing! Go find a new OB now please!!!!
You’re looking great Leslie!!