Geeky Talks
The Working Mom: Improv #239
It took a long time for my brain to switch to work mode. I was so used to carrying around diapers and fourteen days worth of crackers that I often walked in to client meetings and sighed as I shoved aside four diapers, wipes, three fruit leathers and a nondescript item from what appears to be of a “gummy” family. Or once was.
I can’t tell you when it happened that I actually stopped carting around my child’s extra pair of panties in my purse, but I did. I started feeling like a woman again, not just the mom of two young children. At some point, I started leaving for work with just my laptop and a yogurt. I mean, how sensible is that?
Apparently, it’s just SO sensible that I forgot my child still craps himself. Frequently.
Talk about sensible.
So what I’m about to share with you is my sensible, and very tactful way, of dealing with a ... um.. “shitty” situation for lack of a better term. (Or the want to use one.)
I met with a fellow company about some plans and was forced to bring the two kiddos with me. I mean, hey! What’s a work meeting without yelling at your children in the play area? Who ISN’T professional without “pink milk” dribbling down one’s arm and a nearly-five year old yelling, “I HAVE TO PEE MOMMY!”
Sensible.
After a while, saying good-bye, I realized my son smelled of poo. It’s not something you usually bring up with clients/co-workers, etc, or people without children at all for that matter, about the consistency and smell of poo. Fellow Moms have no qualms saying, “Oh, yea, his turds nearly fall out of his pant-leg if he has too much cheese.”
For some reason, that topic just doesn’t seem to .. cut it? In this environment. (No, I won’t stop the puns, damnit! I WILL NOT RELINQUISH THE PUNS.)
I dragged the children to the restroom and discovered sensible, classy-dressed me, only had my small black purse, cell phone, wallet, and one solitary cracker. No wipes. No diaper. Nothing.
So I improvised.
I took off the poopy diaper, gagged, and shook the turd out in to the toilet. “What are you doing, Mommy?!” my son asks. “I’m putting the poopoo where it belongs” because THIS IS A TEACHABLE MOMENT PEOPLE. BY GOD I LEARNED SOMETHING FROM DOCTOR PHIL.
Next I sat him down on the potty and wrapped a length of toilet paper in to folds. Over and over I folded the toilet paper until it could cover the soiled area on the diaper. “What are you doing, Mommy?” he asks. “I am making this clean so you can wear it again, Buddy. I have no new diaper.”
“NOOooOOOOOO IT IS YUCKY!”
This is the first time my two year old ever made any sort of logical sentence in his life.
“Yes, it’s yucky. Now, let’s try to go poopoo in the potty, ok? NO NO STOP TOUCHING THE TOILET WATER.”
I slapped the diaper back on him, all to his disgust, and washed (twelve and a half times) their hands and mine.
We left looking sensible. Clean. And nobody would ever have known except for the strand of toilet paper coming out of my son’s tush.
Welcom, kiddo, to my world.
Sensible. Isn’t it, though?
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Have to say that, oh… couple hours later, when I changed this McGyver diaper, it was in excellent condition. Mrs. Flinger does fantastic work. Sensible and can think quick on her feet… quite a woman!
Ha ha! My son (who has been potty trained for quite a while) recently had diarrhea at the park at a birthday party - no change of pants or underwear. Uggg! My friend offered a diaper, just so he’d have something to cover up with! He refused. We wrapped a sweatshirt around his bare bum and rushed home. The party was over, in so many ways.
oh
my
GOSH!
Love the teachable moment. Love your description and the puns. and LOVE that sweet elfin face!!!!
If I am ever in this situation (which I hope I’m not) I will think of you. Teachable moment, indeed.
This once happened to Catie when we were (thankfully) shopping at Target. I bought a new box of diapers & wipes, and rushed her to the restroom with them. Since then, I try to remember to always have an extra diaper in my glove compartment, just in case.
Gotta say, though, I am mightily impressed with your McGyver diapering skills.
Great way to improvise! You gotta do what you gotta do!
This reminds me of a joke…
There are 3 guys standing around and there is suddenly a ringing noise. One guy squeezes his thumb and puts his hand to his head and starts talking. When the guy is done one of the others asked what was going on. “Oh that, I kept loosing my phone so I put a microchip in my hand so I use it as a phone.” A few minutes later there is a beep then an announcement “Doctor’s appointment in one hour, doctor’s appointment in one hour.” The second guy pressed his wrist and the announcement stopped. The the third guy asked him what was going on. He told them that he had a microchip implanted in his wrist and it synchronized with his calender on his computer. The third guy by this time was feeling a bit behind in the technology. He asked the guys to excuse him. He went to the restroom. He got back and one of the guys pulled him to the side and mentioned that there was toilet paper coming from his pants. The third guy said, “Oh that? Sorry, I’m receiving a fax.”
I built underwear for my poor sick nely lactose intolerant 4yo from toilet paper and paper towel.
While washing out panties (We were on holiday I couldn’t spare a pair not a pair to spare…)in the public restroom sink and smiling like Hey everything is okay. It’s magical here… It’s Disney!
The boy in the pic above is very beautiful.
I think you have improved a lot now.