Things I know

I have a laundry list of random bits I’ve believed because my parents told me so. Sometimes as an adult, I’ll start to say something, stop, and realize I’m uttering complete and total bullshit. Bullshit which I’ve heard a million times from my parents.

I probably need to see a counselor about such matters but instead, I will tell you.

I’ve posted about the day I realized my mother lied to me. We were on the airplane heading back to Houston after a visit to Portland, OR, and she sighed, “Oh, I forgot to replace the toilet paper in our bathroom.” I was about seven and looked up in her face, “Why? Can’t Daddy do it?” “He apparently doesn’t’ know how, sweetie.”

Seven year olds do not get sarcasm.

And so the minute we landed in Houston, pulled up in to our drive way, I ran inside to see if Dad did learn how to put the toilet paper back on. Apparently, he had. I announced how proud I was to him and my mother laughed saying, “I told her you didn’t know how.”

This was the day I learned I was sometimes being fed a complete line of shit.

Since then I’ve managed to accumulate a laundry list of things I believe because I was told. All complete utter shit. For example:

“If you eat burnt chips your cheeks will be rosy the next day.”

“If you eat the crust of your bread, your hair will be curly. Just ask Bama. See how curly her hair is? She always eats her crust.”

“Don’t touch the insects on the can of RAID or they will become real and crawl on you.” *(this one is utterly scarring)

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“When you see a car with one head-light you yell, ‘SPADOODLE’ and lick your finger, place it in your palm and stamp it. Then you can make a wish.”

“The toilet water goes the opposite direction in a flush in Australia.” (Seriously, I don’t even know if this is bullshit or not. I HAVE NOT BEEN THERE. Please to clarify for me.)

“If you find a penny that is heads up, put it in your shoe for good luck.”

“Breaking a mirror is seven years of bad luck.”

“If you knock the salt over, toss some over your shoulder.” (I actually witnessed a guy doing that in a restaurant about week ago. Got salt all over the person in the booth behind him. #brilliance

But one I’ve never heard? One I’m only just now learning as an adult? Bird Poop is good luck.

Did you know this? Being shit on my a bird is GOOD LUCK?

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I found out after posting on twitter my actual image of said exploitation.

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Seriously. And I thought the bullshit ended as a child, people. Either way, I did make a wish. Because I AM THAT GULLIBLE. And also in desperate need of wishes.

What else am I missing? Any other random bits of facts you live by without actual cause? Or is it just me. (Tell me it’s not just me)

Coming Up