Today I lost my Mom Black-belt

24/Feb/2011

It’s been a day. You know how people say this, “It’s been a day,” and nobody ever says, “oh, what do you mean?” It’s like The Pill. Someone says The Pill and you know that means THE PILL. Not headache medicine, not Vitadmin D, but THE Pill.

It’s been a day.

And while I can certainly give you details, let’s face it: You KNOW what that means. There’s a list of things that started out great and went to crap. Quickly.

snow


There’s a joy and a sorrow of working at home. It’s that on one hand, you can do a podcast for work while wearing a snuggie. On the other hand, if the children don’t have school because of snow, you might end up seeing something akin to a nuclear paint explosion in the family room. Just for fun, let’s say, they might toss in four hundred and three straws because that’s how they roll.

Maybe there is blue paint dotting the kitchen floor from one end of the room to the other.

working at home

And maybe, just *maybe* there are a few big deadlines and a few additional gray hairs that bring one particular mom to her wits end about the time her daughter loses her absolute blessed mind and refuses to go to karate.

She loves karate. *LOVE* She was going on and on and on the entire way to Karate. “I smile because I love Karate!” “I love it when I get to kick!” “I’m learning so so much!” So when we pull up, I tie on her Gi, and turn to usher her to class I’m floored when she starts pulling on my arm crying. “What on earth?!” I have no patience. I look in to my daughter’s terrified eyes and I question their sincerity. “WHAT is going on?! Go. You will go. This is not acceptable. Not ok. No, you just told me how much you love this. What are you doing here? Oh, comon, you WILL STAY and watch. Sit like you are respectful.” I got hard on her. I went all 1972 on her. I was channeling Okinawa and playing the hardest cards of all, “Do this or you don’t get any more hot chocolate. EVER!” Ok, so I got lost in the moment.

She stayed. She did not participate. She sat, tearfully afraid, the entire two hours until her dad picked her up. I ask them at home, “So what was going on? Why didn’t you participate?” I’m fire and brimstone. I’m seeing her 15 year old self backing out of commitments. I’m playing the Future. “I was afraid of breaking the boards today, Mommy.”

My heart broke in bits as I hugged my honestly scared daughter.

“Oh honey. You need to tell me what is going on so I don’t get mad and think you’re playing me.” Her eyes, big, round, soft, nodded. She hugged me. “I can understand being afraid, sweetie. But you need to say that to me. Don’t make excuses about being too tired. Let me know, ok?”

There are times a parent will think they are doing their children the best of intentions. I am making you strong! I am helping you get over your fears! I am not letting you fake a way out of your commitments! And sometimes there are times the parent will get the biggest lesson of all: I am not listening to your fear. I am not understanding your voice. I am lost in my own world.

There is a joy and a sorrow of working at home. Today I had both. Thankfully, there is one moment I did not fail to appreciate:

Some things truly do not change.

Baby O

Big O

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Comments

  1. Oh honey, I have been there.  My oldest does stuff like your daughter did… where it takes her till I hve gone all fire and brimstone on her for her to open up and tell me about her fear or whatever is going on and then I feel like shit for going apeshit on her. There is NO mommyguilt around like that.  *HUGS*

    By Frelle on 2011 02 24

  2. I love, love, LOVE the picture of the family room.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked in and found something similar over here. 

    My daughter has similar reactions to situations, too.  She’s all motivated and excited about something and when it comes right down to it some element of fear grips her and she freaks. I’m still learning how to deal with it….

    By Beth on 2011 02 25

  3. At least there’s always tomorrow!!  He’s so big!  They grow way too fast!

    By CJ on 2011 02 28

  4. Oh, you, it’s being s life and how sweet looking back will be.

    By Amanda on 2011 02 28

  5. The picture of the mess says it all. In fact, was wondering if you got into my house? I have twin girls that just turned 5. I know all about having a day. I think I have one most days. Sigh.

    You were wonderful at Blissdom and I have been lurking about….

    By Erin Margolin on 2011 03 02

  6. Sister. I saw those straws and game pieces and I was SHE STOLE MY KIDS - YAAAAAYYYY!!!!

    *sigh*

    You are a good Mama, my friend… a good Mama <3

    By jennyonthespot on 2011 03 02