Why I will never ever (EVER) be Martha Fucking Stewart

Nov 22, 2006

The turkey is in the freezer. Turkey day is T minus 20 hours AND THE TURKEY IS IN THE FREEZER.

Also, we have the wrong rolls.

I’ve been retching and farting all day and have done diddly or squat with the house. As in cleaning. Or picking up. Or destinking.

I know you’re horribly sorry you didn’t get an invite but trust me, you will have a lovely holiday with a NON frozen turkey. At a house where people care and hostess. And have wine.

The holidays just aren’t the same without Turkey. Or lots and lost of wine.


  1. I need lots of wine.  Lots and lots of wine.  Ours is sitting in cold water as we speak.  We’re not actually hosting, yet we have been asked to bring not only a 20lb cooked turkey but stuffing and green beans.  Um, huh?

    By Andy on 2006 11 22

  2. I have a mini turkey that I have no idea how to cook.
    What a couple of losers, eh?

    By Renee on 2006 11 22

  3. Maybe try finding a fresh turkey somewhere…. but most grocery stores are either closed, completely or close early.

    Better yet, just fuck it all, and go out.

    By tjsmommy on 2006 11 22

  4. I’m with Tjsmommy.Go out. You’re prego and farty (a word we use in our house all the time!) You shouldn’t have to cook. smile

    Thank God we still go to our parents for Turkey Day or I’d be having a nervous breakdown about now.

    By Jamie on 2006 11 23

  5. I LOVE the typo… lots and LOST of wine.  That’s how I plan on spending MY T’giving! 

    Just for you I’ll drink enough for both of us and then I’LL be all gaggy and farty and we can commisserate together.  Sounds like a plan, huh?  Errrrr, maybe not!

    I say order out.  Or go get one of those Jennie-O turkeys that you just plop in the oven and it’s done in a flash (saw it on TV).  Or get deli turkey and… OH, SORRY!  You and even the WORD deli meat equals gagging, I know.  Just have pie.

    By Katie Kat on 2006 11 23

  6. I’m just proud you can actually cook a turkey.  I have never, and have no desire to tackle that bird.  Now, Tim will deep-fry one for the fam any day.  D-LISH!

    By Charla on 2006 11 23

  7. Well, good luck with that!

    We are heading over to someone else’s house, so all I have to do is make candied yams.  I get out of making dinner yet again!  Fine by me.

    I hope you have a Happy THanksgiving!

    By Holly on 2006 11 23

  8. You can thaw a frozen turkey in a few hours in cold water.  Use your bathtub or whatever as need be.  As for cooking birds - google ‘alton brown roast turkey’.  I swear by that recipe.

    Fwiw, we’re all still in our pajamas eating donuts I bought on the way to Starbucks.  Turkey ain’t happening until Saturday, and I totally planned it that way (so we can plot out our shopping agenda for tomorrow, today).  If that makes any sense…  wink

    By Lanna on 2006 11 23

  9. Hey…you are doing a turkey? 

    Watch out for rolling flames that come out of the oven!  Man I miss that!

    By traci on 2006 11 23

  10. Happy Thanksgiving! Hope the meal turned out okay!

    By denise on 2006 11 23

  11. So how did it go?  Is everyone still drunk?

    By Jenny on 2006 11 24

  12. I hope it ended up going ok!

    By Sara on 2006 11 24

  13. Who says Thanksgiving HAS to be celebrated on a Thursday?? Instead, have one hell of a Saturday…

    and the gas? that comes on stronger AFTER the turkey (trust me), so you’re totally screwed.

    happy holidays!
    ; )

    By Little Miss on 2006 11 24