Waiting for the Internet Birth

Hey, remember that time I was all, “OMG WE GOT A HOUSE AND WE GET TO MOVE!”

Fuck that. Moving is hard, yo!

It’s not just the new-ness of the place, or the old-ness of someone else’s dirt, it’s the alone-ness, the “what are we doing-ness” of our lives.

Disrupting the routine is no good, people. NO GOOD AT ALL.

But not having internet? That’s death.

Monday was our scheduled day. “Your rep will be there between 8AM and 5PM Monday, March 22.”

Awesome. I can totally unpack and not have internet for two days in our new house right?

So I unpacked and I paced. I glanced out the window every few minutes. I kept the music low so I could hear the door.

I waited.

It started to feel really familiar. Akin, if you will, to those last few weeks before I gave birth to my daughter. The “Due Date” was really a range of time. “Any day now” lasted weeks. I walked, I paced, I was uncomfortable, a little lost, stuck in anticipation, unsure. I re-lived those moments as I waited for the Verizon guy. And waited. And waited.

I called my husband and begged for him to do something. Not unlike the phone call at 38 weeks pregnant yelling, “JUST GET HER OUT. GIVE ME AN ORGASM. THEY SAY IT WORKS OHMYGOD JUST DO IT.”

I slowly gave up as the afternoon passed. I knew it wasn’t happening that day. I felt lost and betrayed and alone. I was sure it would be monday. Monday I would have my Internet Baby.

This is the point of the story where you tell me, “Did you just seriously compare waiting for the Verizon dude to having a baby?”

YES. YES I DID. This is how effed up I am in my world without internet people. I HAVE NO PERSPECTIVE.

So if posting here is a bit raw for a while, know it’s because I’m probably typing on my iPhone screen using auto-correct and yelling, “No! I didn’t mean to type stinks, I mean pink! DAMNIT!” And “Ate you going to the car?” translates in to “Are you going to the park?” And so forth.

And in the mean time, I’ll scouring the house for a 3 inch elephant because SOMEBODY will not be able to go on living without it. SOB DRAMA SOB.

See? We’re all sorts of non-perspective in our new, awesome, amazing house right now. Even if it is all those things.