Apr 30, 2009
I turned on the “news” this morning. That is never a good idea but right now it’s nearly laughable. Here’s the actual, real, honest transcript from what I saw on Good Morning America. (which is to NEWS as US WEEKLY is to FACT)
Diane Sawyer: So, it looks like the numbers are going up. We’re now at 100 in the USA?
Swine Flu Expert: Yes, that’s right. So far those cases have been treated and are under control
Diane Sawyer: We did a poll and it appears 78% of Americans don’t think they’re going to get the disease?
Swine Flu Expert: Well, statistically speaking, we can’t say how many people will get the disease but we feel confident it’s not going to be 22% of the country
Diane Sawyer: But, Mister, what are we going to have to do to make people realize THEY COULD get it?
Swine Flu Expert: Well, see, they probably won’t…
Interrupts Diane Saywer: But we need them to UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY.
Swine Flu Expert: Well, see, we just don’t…
In Hysteria Diane Sawyer: BUT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! WHAT ABOUT THE APOCOLYPSE!? WHAT ABOUT THE BIBLE?
Swine Flu Expert: Uh, er, what does the bibile…
Diane Sawyer: THE END OF THE WORLD MISTER! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLLLDDD.
———- End transcript———
Ok, so let’s do some math. We have 100 confirmed cases of swine flu in the USA. (No, wait, that’s too offensive to some cultures and entirely too mean to pigs, let’s call it N1H1, cool? Cool.) Ok. So we have 100 cases in the good ol’ US of A.
Everyone grab your calculators.
So, 100 cases out of 300 million people. (That’s a three with eight zeros behind it.)
Do some partial equations, some calculus, some long hand dividing and ....
that’s .003 % of the people in the USA.
Or .3 in a million.
You have a better chance at:
So, let’s recap:
Things that are going to kill us: Plastic, BPA, the Bumbo.
Things that you might catch: The Flu, Aids, Pink Eye.
Things that you might want to freak out about: Your pilot pushing the wrong button, your ass getting bit in your toilet, having too much water in your bathtub.
Thanks you might want to do: Wash your hands, cover your mouth and LEARN SOME FUCKING MATH.
This reality check has been brought to you by a heavy dose of PMS and listening to the “news” for two days solid.
By Annika on 2009 04 30
Ok, so if my husband reads this (as well as all the other things I’ve given him) and is STILL hysterical, what are my options? Brain transplant?
I think that stress from flu hysteria will kill more people than the flu this year, curious to see those stats come out.
By ginabad on 2009 04 30
By Carrie on 2009 04 30
Thank you very much! I’ve been so annoyed with the hysteria being created over this… it’s no different than the next new strain of the flu that will come a long next year… sheesh.
By sarahgrace on 2009 04 30
I agree, but thanks to the snake in the toilet thing I’ll be having trouble pooping for months.
I’d rather be worried about the swine flu.
By Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah on 2009 04 30
Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
By Angella on 2009 04 30
By Darla on 2009 04 30
Nice, well said! Sigh, if only people REALLY thought about it this way.
By Canadian Carrie on 2009 04 30
I do not care if your math is correct or not, I completely agree with you. This crap is way out of control!
By Mrs. F on 2009 05 01
shutup woman! I am about to launch my etsy store with handmade designer face masks!
I am gunna be RICH!
By Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo on 2009 05 01
Thanks for clearing this up.
I had pink eye last weekend. (Which Mr. Tantrum said is from someone farting on my pillow?)
So I am SAFE!
By Mrs. Tantrum on 2009 05 01
HAHA! Kelly, sorry to ruin your get rich scam.
And Mrs. Tantrum, it is a known fact that you DO indeed get pinkeye from farts on your pillow. I mean, didn’t you ever see Knocked Up?
Sarah, sorry ‘bout the snake idea. Apparently I opened a lot of old fears for people with that on. (See Also: Man waiting behind shower curtain)
By Mrs. Flinger on 2009 05 01
You just HAD to mention the snake in the toilet bit, didn’t you? It’s a lesser known fact that I always check the toilet bowl for said possible snakes before sitting down. Seriously. I do.
By Susan on 2009 05 01
i just wrote a post about how I was worried about this today. I also wrote a post this week about how bad I am at math. I didn’t realize the two were related - the worry and the math. Now you’ve explained the math and I’m not so worried. Thanks!
By Megan on 2009 05 01
Yeah, well, I’m STILL not taking my kid to the YMCA Nursery until he can pass on the swine flu and just bring home hepatitis or e-coli again like usual!
By Sarcastic Mom on 2009 05 01
Omigod now I have to worry about getting bitten in the ass by a snake? Ohno.
By syd on 2009 05 01
Susan, so do I. And I have YET to find one. Unless you can count some of the things my daughter doesn’t flush as a snake.
Megan, You’re welcome. LOL.
Loter: BUHAHA. I know, the usual e-coli. DUDE. I get that (ha, get it?)
Syd, welcome to my neurosis.
By Mrs. Flinger on 2009 05 02
*LOL* Thanks for that, I suck at Math so I’m glad you know the facts for me.
By Sara on 2009 05 03
Well played, Madame Flinger, well played. :D
By Al_Pal on 2009 05 07
you’re fucking brilliant, woman.
By VDog on 2009 05 08