Growing up, I remember the Fourth of July in Houston probably in the same way you would any other city. We had a BBQ with our neighbors. Us kids would ride our hot-wheels while the parents drank sweet tea and chatted. There would be some music piping from the window of my parent’s house and inevitably someone would start dancing in rhythmic gyrations resembling a dying catfish. These are what memories I hold and expectations I have of our Country’s birth.
I remember telling my old boss, years ago, my plan for vacation. “Well,” I started, “I think we’ll be getting in the car and taking a right on the freeway. After that? I have no idea.” He was surprised at this. “No lists? No plans? YOU?” I was just as shocked that he’d expect me to actually plan until I realized I’ve nicely compartmentalized my life in such a way I can live in two extremes: The To Do List and The Not.
Now I worry less that I’m some sort of bi-polar schizophrenic and more of a well-balanced human being. To... Read more
1. I have a small tendency toward vertigo with my thick neck as it is.
2. Driving would be a bitch. (Did you see that car? ALL FIFTY OF THEM? No, wait, that’s just one car, wait, where did it go? OH THERE THEY ARE.)
3. People would want to put me on their dashboards with their other fugly hello-kitty bobbleheads and I HATE HELLO KITTY.
4. “Does this neck make my head look fat?”
5. Sarah Palin is a BobbleHead. That’s just fucked-up yo. THE END.
I tell people I’m going through a small mid-life crisis. They look at me, judging. “HmmMMmm,” they start, “I bet you’re not nearly mid-life. What are you? Thirty? You really expect to only live until sixty?”
To these people I put a pox on their eyebrows and ear hair.
Funny thing: Mid-Life can mean any time in which you wake up and look in the mirror and immediately proclaim “HOLYSHIT! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WHILE I WAS SLEEPING.”
This is exactly how I feel right now.
Last Thursday I travelled to Utah on... Read more
I have a bone to pick, Kelly. I happen to get those amazing “be more” Electrolux Washer/Dryers you speak so highly of. No, I wasn’t actually trying to be just like you, GOD no, why would I want to do that? I know small dogs less annoying than you are. BUT, I did find an amazing deal on a pretty amazing washer/dryer set and after drooling and researching, decided to plunge in to debt for the sake of Laundry.
And oh, how it was worth it.
My children, they do not respect the sticker. Remember getting the coveted sticker and agonizing over where to place it? You didn’t just put it on a piece of paper that might get accidentally tossed in the garbage. NO! You sat and pondered for HOURS where you were going to place this single, solitary sticker.
My kids can go through a sticker book in ten minutes flat.
Nowadays stickers are like Band-Aids: Cheap, easy to mail, and sticky; the latter being the most obvious. Band-Aids used to be special and only handed out when death was imminent. Now? Band-Aids for... Read more
“How to feel completely inadequate at one of your best friend’s baby showers that you threw with people much more capable than you are” Parts I & II.
“Birth Control Via Child Meltdown” - Unabridged
“The Ultimate Diet: Candida Taking Over Your Body. Lose weight without even... Read more
Forgive me for letting Dawn Landes speak for me but I could not have come up with better lyrics. After a week of escape, of enjoying people and places from far away, it’s difficult to look at the Things To Do list and not fantasies of a plane and a hot, steamy week in Paris, or Rome, or London. I told Mr. Flinger I wanted to have a wild hot affair in a far off land and he’s welcome to join me.
Sometimes songs do more justice than the muddled ramblings of a mom with young children. And a new job. And a new house. And it’s not that I don’t love all these... Read more
A short, quick, super-fast update on the weekend because WE ALL HAVE SHIT TO DO.
Yes, including you.
A great friend of mine and her son travelled to Wenatchee with us to find the sunshine and an over-night road trip. There’s a mystical place in Washington State where the sun shines most of the year and it’s called EASTERN WASHINGTON.
There are also a lot of Rednecks there. And Apples.
So the three children piled in the back of our Xterra and we headed over to find swimming, playing outside in short sleeves, and good food.
Here is a snort... Read more
To my son, my only son, my second born.
First, please know I don’t love you less than your sister, I love you later. Just because I realized yesterday, that I hadn’t invited anyone to your birthday party for tomorrow, doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means I’m entirely over taxed and very, very tired which I only blame you for 40% of.
It’s pretty tough to believe it’s been three years. That’s... Read more