I have a laundry list of random bits I’ve believed because my parents told me so. Sometimes as an adult, I’ll start to say something, stop, and realize I’m uttering complete and total bullshit. Bullshit which I’ve heard a million times from my parents.
I probably need to see a counselor about such matters but instead, I will tell you.
I’ve posted about the day I realized my mother lied to me. We were on the airplane heading back to Houston after a visit to Portland, OR, and she sighed, “Oh, I forgot to replace the toilet paper in our bathroom.” I was about seven and looked up in her face, “Why? Can’t Daddy do it?” “He apparently doesn’t’ know how, sweetie.”
Seven year olds do... Read more
Growing up, I remember the Fourth of July in Houston probably in the same way you would any other city. We had a BBQ with our neighbors. Us kids would ride our hot-wheels while the parents drank sweet tea and chatted. There would be some music piping from the window of my parent’s house and inevitably someone would start dancing in rhythmic gyrations resembling a dying catfish. These are what memories I hold and expectations I have of our Country’s birth.
The fourth is very similar to me now as an adult. This time, though, I am the one drinking... Read more
Thought I would start a regular wordless Friday (yeah I know it’s supposed to be “Wordless Wednesday”...that’s just so conformist).
I remember telling my old boss, years ago, my plan for vacation. “Well,” I started, “I think we’ll be getting in the car and taking a right on the freeway. After that? I have no idea.” He was surprised at this. “No lists? No plans? YOU?” I was just as shocked that he’d expect me to actually plan until I realized I’ve nicely compartmentalized my life in such a way I can live in two extremes: The To Do List and The Not.
Now I worry less that I’m some sort of bi-polar schizophrenic and more of a well-balanced human being. To be successful at work and organized enough to accomplish the tasks at hand, I’m willing to place my items in neat little boxes. Tiny little boxes all sitting in a row. But at home, in my own... Read more
1. I have a small tendency toward vertigo with my thick neck as it is.
2. Driving would be a bitch. (Did you see that car? ALL FIFTY OF THEM? No, wait, that’s just one car, wait, where did it go? OH THERE THEY ARE.)
3. People would want to put me on their dashboards with their other fugly hello-kitty bobbleheads and I HATE HELLO KITTY.
4. “Does this neck make my head look fat?”
5. Sarah Palin is a BobbleHead. That’s just fucked-up yo. THE END.
I tell people I’m going through a small mid-life crisis. They look at me, judging. “HmmMMmm,” they start, “I bet you’re not nearly mid-life. What are you? Thirty? You really expect to only live until sixty?”
To these people I put a pox on their eyebrows and ear hair.
Funny thing: Mid-Life can mean any time in which you wake up and look in the mirror and immediately proclaim “HOLYSHIT! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WHILE I WAS SLEEPING.”
This is exactly how I feel right now.
Last Thursday I travelled to Utah on SouthWest Airlines. This means I was part of the cattle call to find my own seat on a plane with a bunch of other livestock. I sat in row seven on the isle next to two people who, by the end of a two hour... Read more
I know we just got started here but I think it’s time we maybe took it a bit slower, we’re moving way too fast. What? I’m talking about cooking weirdo. Do you like pig? I don’t but I cook it for my loved ones. I can only tell you when I make this it is greedily devoured over a couple of days…oh and complimented profusely. This requires a crock pot….do you have one? Does your neighbor? Grandma? Local goodwill? Don’t hate the crock, it is one of my very best friends and deserves a place in everyones kitchen. In fact I have two. So grab yourself a crock pot of decent size (not one of those little dip thing-a-majigs) and give this a shot.
2 pounds of boneless pork, you can use shoulder or loin, my boys prefer... Read more
If you don’t like mushrooms look away now, I’m not going to be fucking around ONE BIT straight out of the gate here, there is NO sub for this recipe, don’t even ask, I’ll get pissed. I figure if you don’t like mushrooms then you are doing something wrong. Or maybe someone ruined them for you while using a can opener to crack open their idea of mushrooms….MUSHROOMS DO NOT BELONG IN CANS DO NOT USE THEM OUT OF SUCH.
Mushrooms should be firm, they should not be saggy and wrinkly, they should smell of clean earth not moldy earth. The tops should be gently washed, if you feel you must wash the underside do it quickly so they don’t absorb tap... Read more
My good friend Laura wrote up a little “Beginner’s Guide To Going Gluten Free” with perfect timing. I’m officially going Gluten Free per my doctor’s request. She was almost giddy that I didn’t scream running out of the room. “Yea,” I said expecting this, “I have some Gluten Free friends. It’s not too scary.” I hesitated. “I think.”
She was ecstatic that I had some support. And I do.
So with that in mind, I’m jotting down all the resources from