UPDATE TO Mrs. Flinger October 16, 2015
Because the Universe has a wicked sense of humor, after this delcaration, my blog threw up all over my last upgrade.
So I'm starting over using Craft. Turning 40 and kid entering Jr High next year, sometimes it's just time for a change. These archives will still exist in the way the last child goes off to college and their room is the same for 20 years, but it's just time to move forward.
I do alcoholism like I do politics: half-assed Jan 28, 2010
Remember the time I said I was going to quit drinking? Yea, that didn’t work out so great. In fact, that lasted roughly a week, maybe.
So I googled, “ALCOHOLISM” because I like to be all dramatic and diagnose myself with things from Dr. Google. It validates every ache and pain and makes me appreciate the fact that I do, indeed, have roughly 4.23 months to live according to some scientific study based on rats in England.
Apparently, though, I’m only a half-assed alcoholic.
Can’t a girl get some pity around here? Jeeze.
This is an approximation of what Google taught me:
Symptom #1: If you googled this because you think you have a problem, you do not have a problem. The sucker with the problem is currently passed out on the couch with no idea he/she may be drinking too much.
Symptom #2: If you forget to pay bills on a monthly basis but it has nothing to do with drinking, just the fact that you are awful at being a grown-up, you can not count that as Failure to fulfill major obligations at work, school, or home. Just grow up.
Symptom #3: You work at a computer, therefor you are not using in recurrent situations where it is hazardous (such as operating machinery). If you got pulled over and totally freaked your shit because you had half the legal limit and that is the last time you ever drove after drinking, you’re just a guilt-ridden recovering Catholic. Take a number.
Symptom #4: If you can’t go to a work conference without being a total blabbermouth, this MAY constitute continued use of alcohol despite having social, family, or interpersonal problems caused by or worsened by drinking but really you’re just a putz.
I looked over the rest of the possible symptoms. Again, on a scale of “Holy crap you drunk” and “You drink wine for communion only” I’m about a “Meh”
So, here I am, left with the usual issue I have in life: I’m good enough not to be a drinktard but not so invested to need help.
In the mean time, I’m spending just a touch too much on booze, getting just a touch too many calories from it and, when surveying the last 6 years of my life, have neither gained, nor lost, a single damn pound since the birth of my first child.
I am to alcohol as Mandy Moore is to music.
One day, in my middle age, I will find something to excel at. Even if it kills me.