Thirty Six hours and 12 minutes. Roughly. 12/May/2006

That’s how long I lasted on the “South Beach Diet”.  I am currently blogging a teeny weeny itty bitty bit tipsy since I just downed my two glasses of wine “per week” tonight.

See, they put this “Lose the Belly Fat Fast!” right on the front of the book. I mean, who wouldn’t want that? Ok, not you, but me? I’ll take something, anything, to get rid of the thing I used to call my ab muscles that can only be described now as “water-bed.” ‘Cept they didn’t put on their promotion “no sugar! no... Read more

I ain’t no domestic diva 19/Jan/2006

Sure, I aint domestic diva. but y’all….. I GONE DONE AND COOKED!

Behold:

Chocolate Chip Scones and Homemade Beef Stew last night:

Turkey Meatloaf on Monday:

*I* peeled potatoes. *I* chopped things. *I* made... Read more

My pants are so tight I’m about to pop an ovary 08/Jan/2006

I was so proud of myself. I bought a size ten jeans at the Gap a few weeks back and :: sucking it in :: they fit! THEY FIT!! Well, mostly. Anyway, I wore them four days in a row because they’re the only semi-hip thing I’ve bought in months and they sordda make my ass look smaller. PLUS, they’re a size ten, remember? I used to BE a size ten. Oh, I used to be a size six, but let’s got get depressed or anything.

Anyway, I wore my jeans, And wore them. And they got dirty, because I kept wearing them and I have a 14 month old. I washed said jeans and do you know... Read more

Hot Mamma (or not) 06/Jan/2006

I’ve been pondering this topic lately: Is motherhood hot? See, I’m not the hottest chick out there. I’m not fugly or nuttin’, but I’m not Angalina Jolie with kids. I’m not even Britney Spears looking rather large. No, I’m more like your typical mom with wrinkles, some gray “highlights,” fat jeans and yes, saggy boobs. I have it all,... Read more

The Affair 10/Dec/2005

I’m am one unfaithful wench.

I just cheated on Sconeday.

But damn, if your’e gonna cheat, make it worth it.

Now excuse me, but I can’t hear anything over the sound of my ass... Read more

It is like seventh grade gym class all over gain, minus the shorts and lesbian gym teacher 20/Nov/2005

If this was seventh grade PE, my house would be the one standing on the wall waiting to be called on to a team. My house would be the one pegged during dodge ball. My house would be the one whose shorts fell down during volleyball and everyone pointed and laughed. My house is not one of the popular girls. Nobody wants my house.

We’ve dressed her up. We’ve cleaned her up. We bought her contacts so she wouldn’t have to wear those big, clunky glasses. We redid the back yard. We painted. We scrubbed forty friggin’ years of shit off the floor. FORTY YEARS, peeps.... Read more

Tootsie Rolls and Scones: My new diet 13/Nov/2005

So, here’s the new plan. I am, for the love of Pete, going to lose this baby weight. Eff fat belly. Eff round face. Eff tight ass jeans. Eff it all. But.. I love chocolate! And scones! And lattes! But, whilst I do love these things, I am also very very brilliant.

I am to be good five days a week. Good meaning at night, when I really really want something chocolate and yummy, I can have a tootsie roll. Those hard chocolates, chewy as tar, are perfect for making the jaw tired and the hormones think they’ve visited the chocolate god. It’s a theory. One I have to stick... Read more

Posts I write rocking the baby 06/Nov/2005

I wrote to y’all. Didn’t you get the memo? No? Probably because I had a lovely long post written (including links!) about twenty minutes ago. In the rocker. In LB’s room. While I fed her. Damn if I can’t remember a word. You SURE you didn’t get it? Damn.

Ah, well, here’s the dillio… we found out what was behind the night from hell.  Knowledge is power, people. Remember that. She will never ever take Robitusin again.

The open house went well. We have a... Read more

Night Cap 04/Nov/2005

Let’s review the Night From Hell, shall we?

4:30-7:30pm Screaming. Refues to eat/take medicine/snuggle/sleep
7:30-10pm Drive baby around. Doesn’t fall asleep.
10:15 pm Falls asleep as we enter driveway.
10:16 pm Wakes up.
Screaming

10:30-11:00 pm Falls into a light sleep in her crib. Mr. Flinger and I rush to go to bed hoping for a little shut eye.
11:00 pm We’re wrong. She’s up. Screaming.
11:00-1:30 am... Read more

Everything is bigger in Texas. Including my Ass. 14/Oct/2005

So, we went shopping yesterday. I thought, Hey! I need new jeans! I mean, sure, I have a cabinet of jeans waiting for me to fit back in to but I’m not the size 14 I was 2 months post partum when I broke down and bought a pair last year. So, feeling all proud and whatnot, I go to the “70% off” section and find a kickass pair of jeans for 12 bucks. TWELVE DOLLA. I grab two pairs, a 9 (feeling optimistic are we?) and an 11.

In the dressing room, I try on the 11s in several styles of capris and jeans. Y’all. NOT ONE... Read more