Birthdays and Boobs

30/Jul/2006

This weekend we went to LB’s best friend’s second birthday party. It was wonderful. Friends, family, and LB and JB growing up together. *tear* Ahem. It was lovely, this is, until the husband’s dad’s girlfriend, from not-here, asked when I was due. “er.. Due?” I stammered. “What are you having?” she asks. “Having? For dinner?” “A girl or a boy?” “Oh, no, not right now. We’re.. uh.. not yet…” I try my best to hide both emerassment and wanting to run upstairs immediately to tell Traci what just happened. My mind raced with “What the hell? Does she read my blog? No, no way. .. then what.. the.. hell…”

I excused myself and went to the restroom. I walked in and at first glace in the mirror I regretted wearing the new empire waist GAP shirt I found for 5 bucks at the outlet. I also regretted not making a hair appointment last week. Then I noticed something. My boobs. Holy lord, those boobs were not my small 34 ‘B’s, they were “I’m ovulating and my LH surge hit yesterday!” boobs. I mean, I looked tired, bloated, fat and busting with cleavage. I’d probably have asked myself when I was due, too.

So I go find Traci upstairs in JB’s new room showing off the colors and lovely decor for the big girl bed. I blurt out (in front of her lifetime friend, Di) “So, that bitch asked when I’m due? WTF! Don’t tell me I already look pregnant. If I’m LUCKY the sperm is just now hittin’ eggland. Serously? This is hangover baby belly. Gawd. The nerve!” Traci turns to me and says, “uh, Leslie? The monitor is on.” She’s right. Now, not only does husband’s dad’s girlfriend (from not-here) think I’m prego, her entire family thinks I’m a snotty hag-fish, which I am, and now everyone, including old Rush Limbaugh Grandpa knows we’re having sex like rabbits.

Lovely.

Tell me this would happen to you. Please? And while you’re at it, telling me stories of your own stupidity and frank bitchiness, tell me I look pregnant. Because after seeing this picture, I’ve decided to take it as a premonition, not as an insult.

Oh, and make me a hair appointment STAT. Before the “What not to do your hair like” comes to find me. Thanks.
Smooch.

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Comments

  1. Ready? Deep breath…. harmony. smile

    By les on 2006 07 30

  2. Oh, what a bitch. Everyone knows you DO NOT EVER say something like that to someone unless you’ve seen the peed-on stick or the baby actually undulating like an alien beneath the shirt.

    Back in September, when Delaney was six months old, a grocery store cashier asked me when I was due. I tearfully stammered that I wasn’t pregnant and got the hell out of there. Days later I joined a gym and spent $$$ on a personal trainer. He made me whimper in pain twice a week for 8 months and yet I can STILL pass for someone in her second trimester if I wear the wrong top.

    I like your take on it…use this as a premonition not an insult. Maybe the bitch knows something you don’t.

    By Colleen on 2006 07 30

  3. Does this woman have kids because clearly if you are a mom you know that is a taboo question unless it is extremely obvious they are prego (like you just got an invitation to their baby shower.) When I was about 6 months pregnant with Caitlin a guy in my building asked me if I was DUE WITH TWINS. And you most certainly do not look prego in that photo. But hey, nice cleavage. wink

    By Jamie on 2006 07 30

  4. Drat those $5 shirts!!  But, everyone knows that you NEVER EVER asked someone when they are due unless they know for sure. 

    Your face totally does not look bloated or nor does anything else. 

    These are times I simply take a deep breath and say “oh, well tomorrow is a new day.”

    By Sarah on 2006 07 30

  5. WHY DO PEOPLE ASK SUCH A THING WITHOUT PROOF POSITIVE THAT THERE IS REASON TO ASK!!!

    I have a pronounced sway-back, so even when “skinny” my belly pokes out. I have spent my post-puberty life deflecting idotic “When are you due?” queries. I have yet to handle it well but saying, “40 weeks after I get pregnant,” tends to shut people up.

    I wouldn’t say you look pregnant. With the shirt, I might wonder, but I would DEFINITELY take some time watching you for clues and maybe ask around first before asking you about it!

    Maybe it is a premonition, though. If so, this could change from a “Do you believe this bitch?” story to a “Do you believe this freaky story?” story.

    By Sara on 2006 07 30

  6. Take it as good vibes, but blame the shirt. Nobody looks slim in that style of tops. Plus, even Reese W. and Julia R. can’t wear that style without getting a tabloid cover about baby no. 3. But I bet that’s the last time she makes that mistake….We all learn the hard way to NEVER ask somebody witout already knowing the answer.

    And enjoy those boobs! They are what Vneck shirts are made for.

    By Jenny on 2006 07 30

  7. I’m thinking she saw the tie-in-back top and assumed maternity, since so many maternity tops are like that.  But still…to say something without really already knowing is crazy…my brother worked at Target one summer and they told him not to comment EVEN if the woman was buying oodles of baby stuff!
    The “overheard on the baby monitor” scene would be good in a sitcom!

    By AmyM on 2006 07 30

  8. Totally not a fish-hag.  She’s lucky she only got called a bitch.  I would have decked her.  I did deck someone who asked me if I was pregnant.  One of the big no no questions, ever.

    By Libragirl on 2006 07 30

  9. You look AB-FAB darling!!  When I get asked when I am due, I say, “I’m not pregnant, I’m fat.  Thanks so much for ruining my day.”  HA

    I wish I looked as good as you.

    By CPA MOM on 2006 07 30

  10. I once said fuck over the intercom when I worked at Target.  Yeah, there is a good move to make.

    By dizzymizzy on 2006 07 30

  11. one rule i learned by proxy (my mom insulted a cousin) was to never EVER EVER ask when someone is due. You just cannot assume something like that and I bet the lady who asked you (and the rest of her family) has learned a valuable lesson. oh well. shit happens, the baby monitor catching your eery word is exactly something that would happen to me.
    PS You look cute as a button but I would have never thought ’ OMG she IS totally pregnant! ‘

    By texasbelle on 2006 07 30

  12. I love that shirt!  Did the outlet have any more?  At any rate, I’d be tempted to say something snarky about either just having a baby or saying I’d just had a miscarriage (to make ‘em feel bad and leave me alone).  But I’m in yet another snarky mood.

    By lanna on 2006 07 30

  13. You made me laugh so hard I cried - mostly because that is so something that would happen to me. I think you look great in your new top!

    By Jessie on 2006 07 30

  14. You know, one of the great things about being pregnant right now is that all the “normal” clothes at target, Old Navy, etc. look like maternity tops anyway. I’ve hardly had to buy any dedicated “maternity tops” because of this.

    I just never thought about how that could come back to bite you if you actually aren’t pregnant.

    Just think of it this way - these moments of mortification are what make your blog so fun to read!

    By laura on 2006 07 30

  15. I have indeed been asked if when I was due when I was not pregnant. I was standing in line at a military convenience mart in Okinawa, with my husband right in front of me. The saleslady was ringing up our purchases, looked at my size 1X dark blue w/sunflowers shirt, and asked, “Oh When are you due? Looks like soon!” My face immediately went hot and my husband pretended he didnt hear a damn thing. I stammered that I was NOT pregnant, and unfortunately, I said it pretty loud because I was PISSED. LOts of people turned their head and looked quickly away. I hussled myself and my three year old out of there with my husband looking like he’d rather go ANYWHERE than have to get into our car with me.

    I admit it… I cried when I got home.

    By Mojodiva on 2006 07 30

  16. Just sit back and enjoy the boobies.  And, yeah, she broke the cardinal rule: never ask unless you have confirmation of an actual pregnancy.

    By Sonia on 2006 07 30

  17. That happened to a friend of mine, the stupid woman actually patted Allisons stomach and said “look how cute you are with your belly!”  She was too shocked to even tell the woman that she wasnt pregnant. (in all honesty, Allison even admitted that her stomach was the same size when she was about 5 months pregnant with her son, but at that particular time she wasnt pregnant)
    I think its awesome that the moniter was on, so everyone downstairs knew that she was a dumb insensitive cow she is.
    I dont care if I was actually pregnant, some random person pats my stomach, they get smacked.
    the shirt is cute and your boobs look fabulous smile

    By Sara on 2006 07 30

  18. Damn those baby monitors!  Bet the walk downstairs was fun!  I say you take this post and print it out for the other kid’s baby book as a memento of her eventful birthday party.  Also, print out a second one JUST IN CASE it’s the story of “How I found I was pregnant with you from a total stranger…”

    Now go pee on a stick and laugh as hard as this story deserves.

    By Mari on 2006 07 30

  19. OK, when I was in college, I ran go-karts during the summer. And up on the sign in big-ol’ letters it explained how pregnant riders were not allowed to ride.  Being a male in my early 20’s, I had about Zero experince hanging around pregnant folk (just the 24 hour a day thought process around how to go about doing the thing that leads to babies…. ah, youth..)Anyway, we’d get the obviously-pregnant riders who would get pissed and want to ride anyway, down to the oh-crap-is-she-pregnant-or-is-that-just-a -FUPA-please-god-do-I-have-to-ask one’s.  I was wrong (luckily only like twice)and do not ever want to experince the horror I felt during the aftershock of, “I’M NOT PREGNANT” thing.  Thank GOD go-cart rides were only 5 minutes…

    Vail

    By traci on 2006 07 30

  20. That is my husband, not me!

    By traci on 2006 07 30