Confessing

08/Jun/2009

I’ve been sitting here ignoring most everything a grown up should focus on: Kids, Bills, Work, Laundry, Dishes, Life. I’ve been sitting here scouring the Internet looking for something.

Or someone.

I’ve been retracing the last thirty-three years of my life and watching images of memories. I’ve been seeking people I know and love online and the community I’ve grown so fond of. I’ve been re-reading comments and emails from my college friends looking for any signs of endings.

I can’t find them.

I can’t seem to focus on anything today.

It seems wrong I should have to.

A friend of mine passed away yesterday. She has two children, a five year old daughter and a two year old son. Typing these words are impossible. *I* have an almost five year old daughter and a two year old son. *I* have put my son in her son’s hand-me-downs. *I* have a degree from the same school she does. *I* live 1.2 miles from her parents.

I know her.

I could be her.

It could be you.

From what I know, which is through a mutual friend of ours who lives in her home town, she started feeling poorly, went to the ER, went in to Kidney failure and died. They believe it was bone cancer, or breast cancer that got in to her bones, causing high calcium levels that her kidneys couldn’t handle.

She was young, active and healthy.

There is no “WHY”.

There just is this: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL.

Within twenty four hours she is gone. Her facebook said she was glad to have a day off work on Thursday and Sunday afternoon she will never update her facebook again.

I don’t get it.

There are her friends from college scattered all over the country, and the world, processing this. There is a family she left behind. There is a group of people touched by her smile and friendship, which she was always willing to share.

There is a hole, a shocking large hole, where our friend Amy should be sitting.

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand.

There is no “everything happens for a reason” and believe me, I will have a word with “God” when I get there. Actually, fuck that, I’m going to have a major WWE style smackdown and fucking take that asshole out is what I’m going to do.

I was teetering on “if.” IF there is a god. IF there is a creator that actually cares. IF IF IF.

Now I hope there is. Because God and I have some SERIOUSLY fucking discussions to have. After I kick his ass. For taking Maddie. For taking Amy. And for making underwire bras. Because I don’t handle anything without humor and FUCK I can’t find a damn thing funny about any of this.

Not one fucking thing.


—————————Disclaimers—————————
Clearly I have some issues. And clearly I’m pissed, frustrated, hurt, sad and whatever. Clearly I look at my daughter and son and husband and thank everything I can for them. Clearly. But let me have this one place to yell. Because I know you would yell to. I know you did. I know you will. And I know you get it.

I’m sorry to post again today. I plan on doing the “journey” as a series on Mondays. Today, though, after my post, I just wanted to confess why I haven’t emailed you back and why I can’t think and, just in case the mortgage people, you know, READ MY BLOG, they’ll let me off the hook for sucking at being an actual adult. And also because I process through writing and goddamn why do I have to have so many fucking disclaimers. You get it. You get me. Thank you for that.

I don’t want to be all drama and whatever. Just. Honest. I hope that’s what I sound like. I’m nothing if not honest.

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