From Sane to Totally Losing Your Shit in 12 hours or less: A timeline

02/May/2007

May 1: Officially 34 weeks pregnant.

11:00 AM- Whilst talking to a group of moms, have contraction. “BlahblahBlah.. uugghhhhh… uuhhhhhh… pppffffffff…. BlahBlahBlah.” Perhaps mention that you’ve been noticing more of these braxtin gigs lately. Also, they hurt.

12:00PM- Have lunch outside with Mr. Flinger. Choose a Venti water at Starbucks instead of coffee because uuugghhhhhhh… uhhhhh.. ppffffffffff contracting. Remember that last time around false labor is most usually brought on by dehydration.

1:00 PM- Pee

1:15PM- Pee

1:30 PM- Pee

2:00 PM- Keep contracting. Mention to a few people that you feel like the “Pre-Labor Flu” you were so thrilled to feel at week 37 last time around. Mention that labor feels eminent. Mention how you still have to pay bills this month and paint the dining room and set up the cradle and send out thank you notes and…

2:15pm- Pee.

2:30PM- Run up and down the stairs roughly four million times to get child to nap. Continue “pick child up and throw her in the bed” game for roughly an hour and a half. Alternate Peeing and Contracting.

4:30 PM - Decide child may enjoy jumping off second bunk alone for a while so you can lay down and time contractions because HOLYMOTHERGODFORTHELOVE these bad boys are hurtin’.

5:30PM- Decide you’re too hungry to time contractions anymore. Family heads to Red Robin: The ALL American Pre-Labor Meal.

6:30pm- Eat less than half your burger between running to the bathroom at Red Robin and swearing to god you will knock the block off that big Red Bird if he doesn’t move outta your ... UUGGHHH.. UHHHH. PPFFFTTTTTTT… way…

7:00 PM- go home in tears.

7:20PM- Alternate between contractions and peeing and checking the cooch for an arm or an eyeball or something poking out from there like those Enquirer magazine births.

9:20PM- Call doc. Get same speech Charla got… “blahblahblah.. Braxtin hurts more second time around, blahblahblah.. if doesn’t stop in an hour.. blahblahblahblahblahblahblahhhhhhhhhhh.”

Uugghhhh.. uuhhhh.. pppfffttttttt

11:00 PM- Contractions stop. Sniffles start. Child waked up four times in as many hours. Husband sleeps on the couch downstairs (blissfully unaware of child’s non-sleeping).

3:00 AM May 2nd: Fall Asleep creating “TODO list”

Now: Write up “If I go in to labor early… ” list. Don’t forget to paint the dining room! Because? The baby cares what color those walls are…

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Comments

  1. So glad I am not prego now as I would go into labor from laughter!

    Hang in there girly. smile

    By Jamie on 2007 05 02

  2. Hmmm…sounds so familiar. A mere 16 months ago I could’ve written this post verbatim. Well…except for the part about the toddler getting out of bed. Fortunately my own daughter just learned she can get out of her own bed a few weeks ago and she’s pushing 4yrs.

    Anyhoo…at 36 weeks I was doing this scene for an entire weekend only to have my doc tell me at my scheduled Monday appointment that it was false labor and she would see me next week. I left the appointment and went through 12 more hours of horrendous back labor only to find myself in triage at 10 pm and then admitted to birth that child. False labor, my big white pregnant ass!!!!! When she was called in at 2 am to deliver me, she also laughed at what she had said 16 hours previous.

    But for cryin’ out loud, hang in there a little longer! Crazy as it sounds, pray for two or three weeks more of this fun before the REAL fun begins! HA!!!!!

    (Just wait, 16 months from now you can be SOOOOOO relieved you are past it and you can be giving this same great advice to other women who are ready to pop.)

    By MGM on 2007 05 02

  3. AAAaaaah.  I’m sorry.  Just remember, its not that much longer.  Really its not!

    *Sleeping Mommy ducks as Mrs. Flinger lobs the nearest object at her head*

    By sleeping mommy on 2007 05 02

  4. I can help painting your dinning room!  you can move that to a different list. smile

    By Kerry on 2007 05 02

  5. Good luck with that!  : )

    By Tuesday on 2007 05 02

  6. A little more cookin’, CB!

    By AmyM on 2007 05 02

  7. Sounds like a really sucky day, BUT I’m glad you still have a baby in your belly!  It’s just too soon for CB to join us!  You did the right thing by calling the doctor.  Let’s just pray that you feel better and these contractions calm themselves down!

    By Charla on 2007 05 02

  8. That whole looking for body parts when you go potty thing killed me. You are too funny.

    By Karly on 2007 05 02

  9. I’ve gotta agree on the BH hurting more the second time around.  Didn’t have ‘em with the first one, it was a regular occurance the last 6 weeks with my second.  Pissed me off, although people at the gym sure looked at me weird when I stopped to hold the belly and breathe slowly…  You’re almost to the finish line though, just keep moaning.  smile

    By Lanna on 2007 05 02

  10. What a pain!  It was like this for me with my second too- and super annoying. Went on for three weeks, and then I ended up having to be induced.  My best advice is to try your best not to let it phase you, or make you too anxious.

    By sarahgrace on 2007 05 02

  11. You poor thing.  You sound absolutely miserable. :(

    By Friglet on 2007 05 02

  12. Sounds miserable!  Counting the days with you.

    By mdvelazquez on 2007 05 03

  13. Oh! What a day…  Hugs to you Mrs. F… CB’s almost home!!

    By Marie on 2007 05 03

  14. HOLY MOLY what a freakin day!

    By Brandi on 2007 05 03

  15. CB will care about his dining room walls! Don’t you dare bring him home to ones thta haven’t been freshly painted! smile

    By Mrs. M on 2007 05 03

  16. CB is learning from his sister how to get out of his nice, warm bed! This is a vision of all the other things he might learn from her in the future…. (hee. uh-oh.)

    Stay put, Bean!!

    By el-e-e on 2007 05 03

  17. Ay yi yi!  Aren’t you supposed to be, I don’t know….taking it easy at 8 months pregnant!  Whip that husband into shape and get a little R & R!

    By Emily on 2007 05 03

  18. So sorry hon, I feel your pain. I hope this little dude pipes down and lets you get some rest.

    By Emily on 2007 05 03

  19. *HOLDS VERY 37 WEEKS PREGNANT STOMACH IN PAIN FROM LAUGHTER*  Geez, I think you just gave me contractions….LOL.  I totally feel you on the pre-labor meal.  I made sure I ate something, while contracting, with my first before I decided to go to the hospital.  Something about entering those doors and not being allowed to eat for what seems like a week is just horrible. 

    On that note, I’m going to make lunch.  Glad you didn’t go into labor early.  Hang in there.

    By Domestic Diva on 2007 05 03

  20. I have been thisclose to deciding to go ahead with another pregnancy and just committing to it.

    Now? Not so much.

    By Tere on 2007 05 03