Good night, Sleep tight, Don’t let the bed bugs bite

May 17, 2010

Riddle me this: Full size bed, two adults. One person gets eaten alive nightly while the other blissfully sleeps through everything including children screaming, bitten-adult turning on lights and cussing, and possibly a small earthquake.

Y’all, I’m getting eaten.alive.in.my.bed.

It’s been going on for a week now. I thought we had a spider so I changed the sheets and washed the bedding. It came back. My legs are all chewed up, my hips have red bumps on them and the bites are migrating north to my neck. I swear to god I have a teeny-tiny Edward Cullen sucking his way through all my veins. No, actually, I enjoy that image too much. Maybe it’s more like a very tiny family of spiders, or a bunch of bed bugs?

Which, while I’m at it, DO NOT GOOGLE BED BUGS.

I’m itching just thinking about it.

The real puzzle is that I am the only one in the family getting bit, bed bugs are not as common in the northwest, and did I mention I’m the ONLY ONE getting bit?

So today I’m starting a clean/deep cleanse/sealing the mattress sort of an exercise. If nothing else, our house better shine like a brass-bull’s balls. I don’t think I can take this much longer.

UPDATE: No, wait, apparently they ARE in the Pacific Northwest.  What’s next, cockroaches? I left Houston for a reason, people!

UPDATE TOO: Maybe it was the moving van! From the condo to here! I bet it was the van. Fucking Uhaul. I KNEW we should’ve hired movers.

UPDATED: This is just more reason I’m not having any more children. How is that related? Oh, it so totally is. If we have more children, we’d have to move again and if we move again, we’d probably be too poor to get movers because of all these fucking children, yaknow? So we’d have to make our friends help us move and we’d probably get bed bugs from the moving van. It always comes back to the mister getting a vasectomy. Always.


  1. Mr. Flinger is bite free???

    I got spider bites ON MY HEAD on Sat. night. like FOUR of them. WTF???

    I think you’d BOTH be getting bitten if it’s bed bugs. Try eating more bananas (potassium, i think).

    I am SO not spending the night there now! lol

    By VDog on 2010 05 17

  2. It is amazing how your mind works!

    By Diana W. on 2010 05 17

  3. Diana, good or bad? wink

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2010 05 17

  4. Every night before bed, spray yourself down with bug spray. Or cover Mr. Flinger with honey.  Whatever.  Either way, you win.

    By Bejewell on 2010 05 17

  5. Vasectomy’s and bed bugs?!?!?  I totally see how they’re related!!!  LOL

    Hope whatever it is that’s biting you totally dies soon.  You know, unless it’s Edward, and then you might need to send him to me!

    By AmazingGreis on 2010 05 17

  6. My sister had bed bugs at her apartment in NYC. And she doesn’t have kids. They just apparently infested her entire building. Horrifying.

    My main tip? I used to live very close to the area where you live now. Like within a few miles. Get a contract with an exterminator company. (We liked Terminix, but whatever works.) They will evaluate all of your critter issues and address them all, and it’s not that expensive. SO worth it!!

    By cindy w on 2010 05 17

  7. Oh no. HORROR.

    I’ve lived in fear of this happening to us. Because our house is a wreck and so crammed full of junk. I don’t know how we’d ever get rid of them.

    By ozma on 2010 05 17

  8. do you have oak trees in your yard? In NE, we are these little oak mites that bit me to shreds but not Leslie…

    By laura Camacho on 2010 05 17

  9. scabies?  My skin is crawling as I think of what you are dealing with.  Makes me think of all the heads I check in school and just how many of the kids DO have lice. 

    I hope the shiny brass balls of a mattress clear up the problem. 

    No fun!

    By Traci on 2010 05 17

  10. I hesitate to freak you out… but my best friend’s apartment was infested, and of the 4 people who lived there, only one person had a reaction, though when the exterminator came he said theirs was one of the worst infestations he’d ever seen.  Apparently, lots of people don’t have reactions.

    I am SO sorry - and having spent countless hours spraying every one of my friends belongings with poison and sketchily driving around with her mattress on the top of my car looking for a dump site, I feel the pain of infestation.

    By Megan (Best of Fates) on 2010 05 17

  11. Do you think it could be fleas? When we have fleas my lower legs will be covered with hundreds of bite and Hubby has… maybe 2?
    Anyway, I have a surefire way to get rid of fleas and will be happy to share if you are interested. Its a bit involved but works without chemicals.

    By monstergirlee on 2010 05 17

  12. I can totally relate to the sleep through anything part. I got your back, Mr. Flinger!  Glad there are two of us…
    (disclaimer.. I did almost all night duty with BOTH kids).
    Sorry about the bugs.. that totally bites.  heh.  If you were a computer they would be byting you?

    By Jonathan on 2010 05 17

  13. Hilarious… you had me in stitches when I read….. “If we have more children, we’d have to move again and if we move again, we’d probably be too poor to get movers because of all these fucking children, yaknow?”..... you rocked me!

    By Abby on 2010 05 18

  14. Do y’all have chiggers in the Pacific Northwest? I know y’all moved to a woodsy area and you can get chiggers from the woods. They are these little bugs that get under your skin and cause red bumps and make you itch like crazy. I would rather have chiggers than bed bugs!

    By Lindy on 2010 05 18

  15. little known fact - most people don’t react to bed bug bites.  it’s an allergy to their saliva that causes the reaction.  apparently you’re allergic and hubby isn’t.  he’s probably covered in gnaw marks too, they just don’t itch.  i’m sorry :-(

    By MommyNamedApril on 2010 05 18

  16. You obviously taste best. Sounds like you need to catch them in the act to find out what they are.

    By pixielation on 2010 05 18

  17. I have no bug advice, but I did get a laugh out of the Edward Cullen comment.  Hold on while I just visualize him crawling up my leg.  Me likey.  Maybe it’s flees like someone else mentioned.

    By Wendy on 2010 05 18

  18. OK, so I was out of town and just caught up with you.  I am the ONLY one who gets bit at our house too.  WTF?  If you figure it out please let me know at boot camp, k?  And Edward?  I didn’t know you liked Twilight too.  We so have to hang more.  you’d better RSVP to Wendy’s Passion Party. Do it!  See you Thursday.

    By Sheryl in WA on 2010 05 18

  19. So it wasn’t scheduled this way on purpose, but guess what my hubby is getting for Father’s Day? 
    Well, the Friday before anyway. 
    While I love all my kids, including the oops one I’m carrying right now, I am giddy with the thought of no more pregnancies and worry-free sex!

    By Heather on 2010 05 19

  20. Yeah, I think the real issue here is that YOU ARE TWO ADULTS SLEEPING IN A FULL-SIZE BED.  Isn’t that sooo tiny?  How do you do it?  My husband and I are both tall thin adults and we barely can fit in our queen without getting on each other’s nerves.  We slept in a full-size bed at a friends house last year and ended up having to get a hotel b/c we couldn’t sleep. 

    But good luck on the bed bugs. I say it’s time to ditch the too-small bed w/bugs for a bigger nicer bed w/o them.

    By Liz on 2010 05 24