• August 24, 2006

    For a year I went back and forth wrestling with myself about what I was doing. In that time, I had 3 miscarriages and was not being graceful about a damn thing. I know I spent much of that time beating myself up. I think it’s a natural inclination. And no matter how many times someone tells you not to, you do it anyway.
    Still, it’s not your fault.
    It sucks, it hurts, it stays. Maybe not at the forefront, but I think it’s always there. Remembered when someone else mentions that it happened to them.
    Whatever the outcome, whatever the future, you aren’t alone.
    I’m sorry.

  • August 25, 2006

    Grace is completely overrated.  I like raw, real, maybe a little nutso.  Thus, why you and I get along so well.  (And also, why I hate the South some days.)

  • August 25, 2006

    Ditto for me. I’ll take brutal honesty over grace ant time. Thank you for being so honest and expressing many feelings that most find hard to admit. I know exactly what you mean about hoping until there is no chance of hope yet. I do that too.
    Here’s to you, and a successful pregnancy, either now or sometime in the future.
    Thinking about you.

  • Shelly
    August 25, 2006

    It isn’t silly. No one said you had to be brave or graceful. Just be whatever it takes to get you up in the morning and kiss your husband and your child and remember that you are a lucky and very loved woman.

  • August 25, 2006

    I really think you are coping well. Everybody is different in the way to deal with grief.

    There is a plan for you and it will reveal itself when the time is right.

    In my heart of hearts you will have a complete family. Maybe oneday you will think back on this and believe that you are stronger because of this. You will also be a great comfort to those who go through the same thing.

    I am here if you want to talk,anytime as long as you need.

  • August 25, 2006

    You’re fantastic and this post was awesome.  Well said.  And a pat on the back to the people who are giving you advice you are taking to heart.  It never hurts to have some feedback to validate that you’re not completely crazy or if you are, it’s OK!
    I’m definitely in your fan club.  You rock.

  • Katie Kat
    August 25, 2006

    You know “grace” is something people always say about one who has died.  Like “Oh, Aunt Gertrude died with such grace…”  I think that’s because it takes a fucking LIFETIME to achieve it in any real sense.  Grace is something that is unattainable at the time you really need it.  When you look back on all of this, you will see a glimpse of it there in your honesty, your heartache and your unerring need to give this baby love (whether or not it survives).

    You and I are so alike; it’s weird!  Not just because I’m a total KLUTZ too, but in the way we think.  Just days after I miscarried I was at work (dental assistant) and this girl came in for a procedure.  She was 4 months pregnant and was STILL battling horrible morning sickness.  The doctor asked ME to assist, and I must say it was really hard.  I was trying to be compassionate and caring and helping her, but I just kept thinking how much I wished I was the one feeling so pukey.  After we were finished I went in the bathroom and cried a little for myself and the unknown critter I had lost.

    Your humor and your gutsy honesty are so REAL and so much an authentic part of yourself.  You amaze me with your strength and your willingness to be vulnerable and let others (us) try to help you cope.  Cling to hope for a little while more honey - let yourself grieve however it feels right.  The time will come when you are ready to face whatever is in store for you, and you will get that sense of peace you so much deserve.

  • August 25, 2006

    If your coping mechanism is to write such poignant and articulate blogs, then you are coping very well, in my opinion. You made me all weepy.

    Honestly, I think there is a lot more grace in being raw and real than there is in being glossy and prissy and “this too shall pass” about it.

    Grace is horribly messy, but it always triumphs in the end.

  • August 25, 2006

    In my humble opinion, now is not the time to worry about grace or lack of it.  For one thing, exhibiting grace seems to be something you do for others, something you do so that the people around you aren’t at a loss for what to say, something that makes everyone else feel better and that isn’t needed on a blog.  When it comes down to it, you haven’t subjected any of us to your presence.  You aren’t sitting next to us at church.  You aren’t at a dinner party.  We chose to be here.  We chose to listen.  We chose to click the link.  In exchange, you get to let it all hang out. 

    In terms of grace in public settings, do you really think that all those public figures that handle things so gracefully don’t have years of training and practice to back them up, legions of people to cushion them, quiet breakdowns when they get home?  I expect that when you cried at the park, it was not done in a manner to draw attention to yourself even if some people did notice.  You probably didn’t do anything to let that family know that they were the source of your pain nor did you intentionally make anyone uncomfortable.

    Right now, your only real obligation is to breathe, everything else is icing.  Lean on your husband, family, and friends, they can all take it and they will someday lean on you.

  • Amy_M
    August 25, 2006

    Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

  • August 25, 2006

    I think the crying is all part of it.  I was in tears for months.  Just keep doing what you’re doing to survive.

    Fwiw, I got *mad* when someone told me that our miscarriage was “my” fault.  I yelled at my dad in a crowded restaurant one time after he tried to tell me that I killed the baby.  It was very therapeudic, he was properly embarrassed and our neighboring tables all gave him the evil eye for the rest of dinner.  Definitely made me feel better.

  • August 25, 2006

    I have only been on the other side of what you are feeling. We had Ry - the only girl on G’s side - and found out that his cousin was pregnant with a girl. She ended up passing away in March after just a few days. How can I bring Ry around her? She wanted us so badly to bring Ry to S’s memorial, and we did. Then to find out her sister baby was on the verge of not making it (23wks along) made me feel more like shit.

    Here was G & I with 3 happy cute kids while the only 2 cousins on his side fought so hard and long to have kids. Needless to say our relationship with his cousins have been rocky the last few years. Finally though they both have 1 healthy child each! Love ya hun and all we can offer are hugs!!!

  • August 25, 2006

    Your post hits home, especially the wanting to be a complete family. I *luckily* have not had to be where you are, however, when we started our adoption process we were told it would be a little over a year until we had our baby girl in our hands. Now? It might be 2….or 3. It’s so hard to want something so strongly, but have no control over what happens. It’s what life is.
    My best friend in high school lost her Mom way too young. When my BF talked about her mom and her loss, she said her mom always told her something that I have kept in my mind forever. It gets me through the rough days, weeks and months….

    “When life deals you a crappy hand, shuffle the cards and play again”

    I think you can do it Les, I’ll be there with

  • August 25, 2006

    Bitch… you made me cry.  Again!

    I love you dude!


  • August 25, 2006

    I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.  I know for a fact you are handling this much better than I ever could.  The fact that you are handling it at all is an accomplishment you should be proud of.  You are strong, because you’re willing to start again.  smile

  • August 25, 2006



    Highly overrated.

    I realize you don’t know me from a ham sandwich, but if you ever wanna talk (in person or phone!) e-mail me. God knows I have plenty o’ free time.

  • August 25, 2006

    No matter what you say, I still think you are brave. Brave for having hope, brave for sharing your story with us, and brave for admitting to all of your feelings (even the hard-to-fess-up-to ones).

    I think your post sums up what many TTC women feel, whether TTC for the first time or after a loss. There’s just something about that 2-child family that feels so incredibly natural and right. You deserve that just as much as anyone.

  • August 25, 2006

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry.  This just broke my heart for you..

    Personally - I think if denial is what helps get you through it - do it.  I’ve never been one to dwell too much.

    I just freak the fuck out and then I’m done.  I wish I could help you, but I know I can’t.. just know I’m thinking about you.

  • August 25, 2006

    I actually had to come back to this because this post was so dead on for me that I cried like a baby. I’m currently in my second month of fertility treatments after 8 months of trying on our own. We conceived our first in the second try. Now I’ve just turned 35, I’m taking drugs that make me psycho, getting a needle in my arm every morning and one in my stomach tomorrow night and all I know is what I want. I want to complete my family. You said it way better than I ever could. And I truly *feel* those things too.

    My heart aches for you and your honesty strengthens me. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

  • August 25, 2006


    1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action. 
    2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment. 
    9. moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.

    I left out the rest of the definitions.  Look at #9.  MORAL STRENGTH. 

    You are grace personified.  You will survive with all the grace that God has given you.  I don’t have the words to tell you how sorry I am so I won’t.  I will just be here, along with everyone else to listen.  Use our shoulders, our hands, our hearts to lean on.  And all manner of things will be well.

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