How to not write like a douche

28/Apr/2010

motherfk

Listen up, Blogosphere. This is part 1 of a 3 part series.

That’s right. What I have to say is so important, I am going to do it in three installments. This? Is number one.

Here is a short post on how to not write like a douche.

Its, It’s
Its is possessive. The book is torn and its page is wrinkled.
It’s is a contraction of it and is. It’s about to rain.

You’re vs Your
Editors note: This one makes my tongue curl to the back of my throat and sputter strange noises only gophers understand, so listen up.
You’re is a contraction of YOU and ARE. You’re going to DIE when I tell you this!
Your is possessive. Your husband is getting you beer.
(Maybe you’re still confused? Go here.)

Their, There, They’re
Their is possessive. Their dog just pooped on the floor. Their shoes are moldy.
There is a location. You can find the cup over there.
They’re is a contraction of THEY and ARE. They’re going to catch a plane.

Here vs Hear
Here is location. (Similar to THERE. In fact, this is how I remember this. THERE and HERE are locations - both abstract and real.) We have the best coffee here
Hear is what you do with your ears. In fact, EAR is in the word HEAR. Did you hear that? You can remember now!

Apostrophe’s
People? THAT IS WRONG.
Apostrophes are for showing possession (or contraction). It is NOT for plural.

:: taps glass to computer screen ::

Apostrophes are not for plural.

So, let’s say (oh! see what I did? LET US = let’s) we want to tell everyone we have a moms club.

It is not a Mom’s Club. That is one mom’s club (perhaps she’s a cave-woman or a police-woman.)

We have WOMEN’S RIGHTS.

We own cats. We have a cat’s kennel. I hate cats.

Confused? Read this and then take your new knowledge to mock and point at stupid people.

Spelling
Who the fuck cares? That’s what spell check is for.

Hi

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Comments

  1. Did you mean gofer or “gopher?”  *ducks*  smile

    PS - can we talk about lose vs. loose?  AUGHHHHHH!

    By michelle on 2010 04 28

  2. HAHAHAHAHA. Wow. Do as I say not as I do.

    (AM A DOUCHE)

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2010 04 28

  3. You’ll hate me for this as I just clicked over from Pioneer Woman…but:

    In your “What’s Up” short bio - it is “claim to fame” not “claim of fame”

    In your cussing disclaimer - it is “most tasteful manner” not “most tasteful manor”

    ...because I’m a douche about correcting other people smile

    By alana on 2010 04 28

  4. People who live in grammatical houses shouldn’t throw split infinitive stones.

    Actually split infinitives don’t bother me much. I think “to boldly go where no man has gone before” is a great sentence fragment. I just like to give you a hard time while you’re up there on your high horse.

    By Suebob on 2010 04 28

  5. My husband’s pet peeve is apostrophe misuse.  He jokes (maybe?) that one day he will run for mayor on the apostrophe platform, and if elected, anyone who uses an apostrophe incorrectly gets a huge fine!  LOL

    By carpot on 2010 04 28

  6. You should definitely stay away from my latest post.  The capitalization will make your head explode.

    By Bejewell on 2010 04 28

  7. how about the difference between ‘peak’ ‘peek’ and ‘pique’... that one gets me going too.  And I agree on the lose/loose thing smile

    By Justine on 2010 04 28

  8. Sometimes I think back to life before spell check and I feel so terribly, terribly sorry for those people.

    By Megan (Best of Fates) on 2010 04 28

  9. Eager and Anxious are my biggest pet peeve. But yeah, the apostrophe things make me crazy. Oh, and nauseated vs. nauseous. Can’t wait to see parts two and three.

    By Brigid on 2010 04 28

  10. I just had the it’s/its conversation with my son because he was mixing them up. But he’s only 7 so I guess he’s got a pretty good excuse for writing like a douche.

    By drlori71 on 2010 04 28

  11. you forgot too and to!

    By mrscamacho on 2010 04 28

  12. Yes to all the above, and also the use of “Begging the Question.” If you say, “Which begs the question:” and then follow it with a question (eg. “Which begs the question: what is Greg talking about?”) you are using it WROOOONG WRONG WRONG! <yells>

    (I know, “You are using it wrongly.” Folks, it’s OK to be pedantic about some things without having 100% stodgy grammar all the time)

    By Greg on 2010 04 28

  13. You’re post and these comment’s are really to much! Thank’s for the laugh!

    By realmom on 2010 04 28

  14. Thank you!! I really hope the entire internet (or Internet, what’s the verdict on that?) is reading.

    By Clair on 2010 04 28

  15. What’s the matter with you. Your getting all bent because we don’t talk so good?  Its not are fault. Its the school’s, their too blame. Geez.

    By mtvickie on 2010 04 28

  16. Oh, Flinger, how I adore thee!!

    Thank you.

    Oh, and the one that frosts my biscuits is bring versus take.  You can take something to anywhere but you can only bring things to here. 
    Also, if anyone tells me that they “borrowed” someone their pen instead of “lent”, I will scream holy hell…

    By CitricSugar on 2010 04 28

  17. Something for “Part 2.”

    affect and effect

    lay and lie

    By Omaflinger on 2010 04 28

  18. Up with this bullshit I will not put !!

    By Rhondasue on 2010 04 28

  19. Thank you. It’s a shame that people, grown ass people, are making these mistakes.

    By Lauren on 2010 04 28

  20. I HATE MISUSED APOSTROPHES.  I hate those other things too, but the apostrophe thing?  It just GETS to me.

    When I was in high school I worked in the cafe at a Bingo hall and we used to have a sign with the daily specials and soup and things.  The woman I worked with?  Would always write “Soup’s” and “Special’s” and things like that.  AGH!  I would erase them and she woudl replace them again.  It drove me NUTS.

    By Rachael on 2010 04 28