I stepped down off the panel, my legs shaking so much I had a touch of paulsy. I’m pretty sure the sweat on my face could be seen from the back row. I stayed to answer a few questions and meet a new client so the room was nearly empty. I was actually a little relieved that nobody was left to see me taking deep breaths and stepping carefully. One. Two. Three. Breath.
I push thoughts of over-analyzing the panel out of my head and focused on food. I need it. Bad.
The feedback is great. People respond well to watching a complete and utter spaz on stage. I think it’s like a train-wreck. So cliche and so true. Or reading the fail blog. I? Am one Giant Fail Blog.
I start to think back to those times in my life I’ve lived up to my reputation. The sidewalk I tripped on with my arms full of books in college. Twice. The time I broke my friend’s wedding decor the night before the event. The day I spilled red wine on another friend’s white carpet. The wine I spilled at BlogHer (Sorry Guy) and the glass I broke at the SMB Method Party.
I’m the one you can count on to trip. I’m the girl that looks at faces turned expectantly at her waiting for a professional speech and farts. I’m the girl who leans over while teaching a room full of college Sophmores and gives the room a show of her boobs without realizing it.
I’m the girl that pees on a used test and calls her doctor to say she’s pregnant AND her husband while toting her six month old to his work to bawl. And realizes the mistake four hours later.
Yea, I’m that girl.
Not quite as funny as Liz Lemon.
Not as classy as Lucile Ball.
Not as pretty as Bella from Twighlight.
I’m .... just me.
I’m contemplating each of these small moments when I make the connection. I realize and nearly lose my breath: My daughter. My silly, crazy, spaz of a child comes directly from me. How on earth I failed to really connect this is unbelievable to me. How it’s possible I’ve spent the last four years wondering why she is so busy, what I’m going to do with her. DOES SHE NOT SIT STILL. Why she is loud. Why she is active. Why. WHY. WHY me?
Because she is so very me.
There is much I can say about my time at Blissdom, and I will. I will record the events and memories as I am recording 33 years of the most prominent events in my life. This most absolutely is a notable experience for a host of reasons. But tonight, I just want to remind myself one day my daughter is going to step off a podium and wonder what-the-fuck happens to her when she gets in a roomful of people. What. Is. The. Gigantic. Handwaving. All. About? Why oh why do these things always happen to me?
And it will hit her like a two ton brick: It’s in her blood as thick as Elmers. Spazy, freaky, energetic goo.
I hope she accepts herself for it as I’m starting to realizing I’m not as full of grace as my Grandma or born with the gift of holding my tonuge. I’m still realizing I can be loved as the person I am today.
Wondering why I didn’t whore myself out to go to Blissdom and get to hear you talk in person. I will settle for your Fail Blog every day. I love it. Maybe I will see you at Blogher this summer? Are you going?
By fruitlady on 2009 02 10
OMG you guys are so freaking cute I could LICK you.
By syd on 2009 02 10
Awww…. y’all are too cute! And I bet you did great at Blissdom…
By Marie on 2009 02 10
I hope I can say this in type the way I am feeling it in my head/heart. so here goes nothing. I read this post and thought to myself, what a wonderful gift you have given to your daughter. You are okay with yourself. I mean, maybe you don’t see it, but in this last post, I just love the things you say, the things that you are willing to admit about yourself, to put out there for your daughter to see/read. Hmm…this isn’t coming out right. to give your daughter the gift of being comfortable in her own skin, to live her life and love, and laugh, and understand her personality, and BE OK WITH IT, wow. what a mom you are. thanks for the inspiration.
By April on 2009 02 10
I love you.
She will be amazing because she’s your daughter. YOu are an amazing woman, a fantastic plane buddy and a wonderful friend. I am blessed to know you.
By Rachel - A Southern Fairytale on 2009 02 10
Check your voice mail…rofl!
By Karen Sugarpants on 2009 02 10
Check your voice mail…rofl!
By Karen Sugarpants on 2009 02 10
Oh I love you girly!!!! You were just what I expected and more. You’re all sorts of awesomeness because you are YOU!
By Jamie on 2009 02 10
I so wish I could have gone. I think it would have been less overwhelming and more intimate than BlogHer. Soooooo fun.
By Loralee on 2009 02 10
Isn’t it just CRAZY when you realize your kids are YOU? I’ve tried pretty freakin hard NOT to have them inherit my, um, “personality traits.” But my son is totally me. I hope I can make peace with it the way you are. Right now I just feel guilty.
By Shannon on 2009 02 10
I saw you at the Design session (apprentice) on Saturday, and I didn’t have a CLUE that you were nervous. You did SO great!
I ADORE that last pic, by the way.
This is my first visit to your blog.
By Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) on 2009 02 10
Are you kidding me? You rocked it! And conveniently drew the attention away from my spazzy ass. For that I am eternally grateful.
By Deanna on 2009 02 10
Loved your session. Loved our chats. Love your kids. Love YOU! You are one amazing lady!
By Shash on 2009 02 10
snort that bitchez!
By Dawn on 2009 02 10
That. Was. AWESOME! As was your panel. I think you did an amazing job up there and you’re sense of humor masked your nervousness quite well!
(And this is coming from someone with a tremor…Good grief, I look like a 90 year old when speaking in front of people! I actually have to sit on my hands!)
I totally to agree with the poster that said you have given your daughter something invaluable. Little girls, even clumsy ones, need a strong sense of self. -and I’m speaking from experience here too.
By Amo on 2009 02 10
Girl. We should have made more time to chat. I can so totally relate to this post it ain’t even funny. I spilled wine on white carpet at my first 2 neighborhood bunco games. It’s a wonder they let me come back. I’m the spaz. The one sticking my foot in my mouth. ANd my daughter? JUST like me! Talks nonstop. Clumsy. It’s painful to watch, but you know what? She’ll be okay. Because I’m okay. Usually. LOL!!!
Wish we’d had more chance to connect. Next year?
By Musings of a Housewife on 2009 02 10
Don’t you realize that’s why I love you?? If you were perfect I’d have to hate you and that would suck.
By MammaLoves on 2009 02 10
I so love these photos.
By MariaV on 2009 02 11
You were totally NOT a spaz up there! Seriously, there were two sessions that I got the MOST valuable info from, and yours was one of them. What you think of as “duh” information makes me go “DUH! Why didn’t I think of that?” You were confident and seemed glad to be talking about something you’re an expert in. It was fabulous meeting you!
By Jen on 2009 02 11
This is why you people are teh awesome. Because I know we can bond together here over crap we’re mortified about in public.
April, thank you!! That’s a wonderful way to look at it. I’m a spaz, granted, but it’s become this huge family joke. Hopefully it carries her through her awkward years if she can laugh about it. One of my great friends said, “What the hell would I do if I couldn’t laugh about it?” (Ahem, Syd, Ahem) and I couldn’t agree more.
Shash, Dawn, Rachel, Vdog, Jamie you have NO CLUE how much I adored being around you this weekend. Ok, maybe a clue, but honestly? Mad Big LOve for you ladies.
Karen- I think I’m in love. I’ve never been wood on the phone via song before. I’m TOTALLY moving in now! heh
Musings of a Housewife: NO WAY. You are not. You are so graceful! Dude. BlogHer? Me, You, Wine and a stick of Tide-Stain-Removal. Seriously, let’s connect for realz.
Mamma Loves: Babe, you’re a lover not a hater. It’s in YOUR NAME. :-D
Amo: I’m so glad you came by! Thank you for being so supportive. I saw you on twitter and I think it’s awesome to have you here.
Fruitlady- YUP! I am! I’d be happy to spill something on you or be all awkward around you.
Jen- for real, that is the best compliment. I’m glad it was valuable to you!! I love what I do. I’m glad it was evident.
MariaV and Marie- Y’all are like my rocks. You’re always such a great suport here. Thank you.
By Mrs. Flinger on 2009 02 11