I do alcoholism like I do politics: half-assed

Jan 28, 2010

#Life#Fitness#Weght Loss and Body Image#Getting to know me

Remember the time I said I was going to quit drinking? Yea, that didn’t work out so great. In fact, that lasted roughly a week, maybe.

So I googled, “ALCOHOLISM” because I like to be all dramatic and diagnose myself with things from Dr. Google. It validates every ache and pain and makes me appreciate the fact that I do, indeed, have roughly 4.23 months to live according to some scientific study based on rats in England.

Apparently, though, I’m only a half-assed alcoholic.

Can’t a girl get some pity around here? Jeeze.

This is an approximation of what Google taught me:

Symptom #1: If you googled this because you think you have a problem, you do not have a problem. The sucker with the problem is currently passed out on the couch with no idea he/she may be drinking too much.

Symptom #2: If you forget to pay bills on a monthly basis but it has nothing to do with drinking, just the fact that you are awful at being a grown-up, you can not count that as Failure to fulfill major obligations at work, school, or home. Just grow up.

Symptom #3: You work at a computer, therefor you are not using in recurrent situations where it is hazardous (such as operating machinery). If you got pulled over and totally freaked your shit because you had half the legal limit and that is the last time you ever drove after drinking, you’re just a guilt-ridden recovering Catholic. Take a number.

Symptom #4: If you can’t go to a work conference without being a total blabbermouth, this MAY constitute continued use of alcohol despite having social, family, or interpersonal problems caused by or worsened by drinking but really you’re just a putz.

I looked over the rest of the possible symptoms. Again, on a scale of “Holy crap you drunk” and “You drink wine for communion only” I’m about a “Meh”

Exhibit a:

So, here I am, left with the usual issue I have in life: I’m good enough not to be a drinktard but not so invested to need help.

Well, swell.

In the mean time, I’m spending just a touch too much on booze, getting just a touch too many calories from it and, when surveying the last 6 years of my life, have neither gained, nor lost, a single damn pound since the birth of my first child.

I am to alcohol as Mandy Moore is to music.

One day, in my middle age, I will find something to excel at. Even if it kills me.


  1. Wow, I’m glad I’m not alone…LOL. I quit the first part of January, started losing weight, and didn’t have a drink for three weeks.

    Then I went to NOLA. Oops. My liver is just now recovering.

    By Kim on 2010 01 28

  2. Me too. The middle’s a good place.

    By Miss Grace on 2010 01 28

  3. I am awesome a being mediocre at everything.  My problem is, those times that I DO drink, I drink waaaay too much.  Overkill.  Perhaps I should find a happy balance. *snort*

    By Meg on 2010 01 28

  4. Mandy Moore. Heh.

    By BOSSY on 2010 01 28

  5. I like to drink. Do I need to? Nope. I just like to. No problem here.

    By Kristina Daniele on 2010 01 28

  6. Snort! I declared January 2 that I’d dink no more alcohol this month after the holiday debauchery cocktail of wine, beer, vodka, and champagne. I’ve “cheated” a few times with a few sips of Alan’s beer but so far I’VE MADE IT BABY!

    Tomorrow the kids are home all DAY…no school do to “snow” here (I hear you laughing at our wimpy ass snow.)

    So tomorrow night I’ll probably drink a bottle of wine.

    By Jamie on 2010 01 28

  7. Just realized your cute little ooompa loompa people graphics are ANIMATED when you click over them.


    By Jamie on 2010 01 28

  8. Meh! - Well I’ll drink to that!  LoL.  (But just a diet coke.  grin  Maybe tomorrow I’ll dip into the “hard stuff”)

    By CitricSugar on 2010 01 28

  9. Heh. ;D

    As long as you’re not having too many adverse consequences. ;D

    By Al_Pal on 2010 01 28

  10. you so funny. i’d tell ya if you were an alky, babe.


    By VDog on 2010 01 28

  11. oh hello, are you me?

    Any time I read any kind of diet/exercise/get your shit together already kind of book, let alone watch The Biggest Loser, they’re all like, “you gotta cut out the alcohol.”  I’m like, NOOOOO, DON’T MAKE ME.  cuz seriously, yeah…i last about a week unless I’m on some kind of 30-day challenge, in which I drink non-alcoholic beer, and get maybe a little too excited for communion and/or the ny-quil.  b/c you know, when you work on your feet for 8 hours doing some degree of real physical labor, and you do way more than your co-worker, damn if 2 glasses of wine doesn’t take the edge off.  Except it’s not so much an edge, as a precipice.

    By Liz on 2010 01 28

  12. I really like you.

    By syd on 2010 01 29

  13. This totally cracked me up.  I too am in the “meh” category.

    By Trenches of Mommyhood on 2010 01 29

  14. What is it about this place?

    After what was quite possibly The Worst Christmas On Record (complete with… actually, no, you don’t get to know that), I have sworn off the drink. And starting taking an herbal supplement that rhymes with Planed Cons Tort. Or something.

    Now? So much better. I don’t even touch people inappropriately anymore!

    Wait. Forget I said that.

    By Mighty Hunter on 2010 01 29

  15. We can’t all be overachievers at everything. Way to rock the mediocrity.

    By Clair on 2010 01 29

  16. I gave up booze for January because I was tired of my liver screaming my name in the middle of the night.  To say that Christmas was a little wild would be an understatement.

    This feels like rehab.  Only 2 more days.  Of course, I lost 10 pounds so there is that.

    By Kristen on 2010 01 30

  17. My husband gave up booze for January. He’s been out drunk 4 nights since the end of January. That’s only 6 days ago!

    My method of a little drink now and then works far better for my liver than his binge and purge method!

    By pixielation on 2010 02 06