I make a terrible fairy-tale princess, a crappy mormon, a shitty buddhist and a worse country wife

May 07, 2010

We have mice. When I tell this to people they laugh. “Welcome to the country,” they say. They tell me to get a cat. They tell me this is part of being surrounded by all this land.

Last night we saw a mouse. Instead of being the calm, rational person “they” expect me to be, I jumped on a chair while yelling, “KILL THE FUCKER” and simultaneously pouring a glass of wine. It was not my proudest moment.

My daughter has lived with invisible mice for nearly three years. It started one night after introducing her to Cinderella. I asked her doctor about it when one cute “invisible mouse” turned in to two years, a million mice, and actual conversations between them. My daughter often draws all of her mice in her pictures, a group of small circles grouped below her lanky legs and flowing blonde hair. She talks about them daily. She tells me when it’s her mice’s birthday. She tells me when they talk to her.

It’s really, very very creepy.

We’ve been keeping our mice problem from her until now. Unable to utter “Kill The Mouse” in front of my precious Cinderella-esque daughter, we’ve kept the entire thing to ourselves.

This morning, though, when the trap caught The Fucker, my strong, able husband escorted his skittish wife to the garage to share in his triumph. A moment later our daughter pushed through, “I wanna see! What are we looking at?”

Her eyes caught the mouse.  She stood for a moment and then turned back to the table to finish her breakfast. I thought it went well. Mr. Flinger and I exchanged a glance and a shrug.

A few minutes later she leans to her brother, “I can’t find my mice. I can’t see them. I think they’re dead.”

I’ve often wondered about her mice and the long term effect her invisible friends would have. I’ve asked her to get an invisible cat. Her mice, though, have been the one solid in her life, always with her, always near. And now her mother has gone and killed them.

Forget being a good wife, mother or country-girl. Forget getting in to the seven layers of heaven as I pour my glass of wine. Forget thinking animals have purpose and respecting life of all living things. I’ve single-handedly killed my daughter’s spirit with one single mouse trap.

I may as well have turned her in to a pumpkin at midnight.

At least The Fucker is dead.


  1. All through my daughter’s preschool years she had imaginary rats and seagulls (which are really the rats of the seaside) that lived in her hair!It was quite an ordeal to wash and brush her hair since she was fearful that I would hurt or drive her imaginary companions away. Now that was creepy! I’m happy to report that she is a well-adjusted 17-year old about to graduate from high school….despite rodent infestation in her younger years.

    By Shannon on 2010 05 07

  2. HAHA! Well ok then. I feel much better. Thank you.

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2010 05 07

  3. Mint! I have had mice in my house and I don’t even live in the country. Take corncob animal bedding, soak some mint essential oil in it, then place it around the house in little glass dishes. Refresh every month or so. It really does work and no feelings of being a crappy Buddhist or bad mom to boot.

    By Amanda on 2010 05 07

  4. It’s so tragic and yet I can’t stop laughing. Ouch.

    By Naomi Niles on 2010 05 07

  5. Awww.  That is so sad, but I would have done the same thing.  Don’t worry, she’ll grow up to be as awesome as her mom.

    By mommabird2345 on 2010 05 07

  6. Sophia is as sentimental about the damn ants foraging on our kitchen floor at the moment. “DON’T STEP ON THAT ANT, MOMMY! THAT IS MY SPECIAL HOUSE-ANT!!!”


    By laura Camacho on 2010 05 07

  7. They’ll keep coming! You have to find out how they’re getting in & seal it up.

    What about an outdoor cat? wink  We have a neighbor cat who’s always out & on the prowl. I’m pretty sure he keeps us mouse-free. I haven’t seen any inside in a long time!

    (my son questioned me yesterday when he saw me flush a large ant down the toilet. Sorry, that’s what I do with bugs in my bathroom!)

    By Marie on 2010 05 07

  8. Forgive me for thinking the whole scene is hilarious.
    We have rats (outside), and every morning their dad sends out the five yr olds to “check the traps”.  One time he asked me to do it and got the “Are you kidding me?” look.

    By Heather on 2010 05 08

  9. I am still laughing while getting back into my chair; I fell out of it. *sigh*
    Yes, imaginary friends are very normal and research has found that 65% of preschool children experience this phenomenon which is also very healthy. It puts young children in control not to mention that their language development is always higher too.

    Her imaginative mice should be welcomed. This is the one time you can take dictation of what they say and do so that later, both of you can enjoy the stories and even ‘blog’ about it. Hummm, perhaps it might be too late however, you could ask what she plans to do with the mice mail? LOL

    By Oma Flinger on 2010 05 09

  10. Oh, hon… I’m fairly certain a child who thinks her mother has killed her thousands of playmates does not return to eating her breakfast in a calm, collected manner.  Nope… you didn’t kill her mice, I think the novelty of imaginary mice just wears off, in the face of real mice.

    By Kristel on 2010 05 09

  11. I’m sorry you feel bad.  But kids are resilient - she’ll deal.  Especially if you end up raising chickens or pigs for yumminess - I’ve had friends that name their critters “Link” or “Roast” or something.  Heh.  :D

    Did you figure out where the mouse got in though?  We had to fill in a tiny dot of a hole next to an electrical socket in our basement (2-3 feet underground!) a few years ago.  Oof.

    By Lanna on 2010 05 09

  12. That’s hilariously tragic.

    Have you tried showing her a new movie? I mean, maybe all you need is to watch Mulan and she’ll have a hoard of Huns following her around, and then everything’ll be great again!

    By Megan (Best of Fates) on 2010 05 10

  13. Don’t get a cat; then we won’t be able to come over!!!! (Teh Warrior? Teh ALLERGIC. Teh majorly.)

    By VDog on 2010 05 10

  14. zOMG. Whatta tale.

    By Al_Pal on 2010 05 14