Sometimes I feel it’s hard to be set apart. I feel as if I’m just another average girl in an average house with her average Target clothing and her average hairdo and her average little life. I’m trying to find something I can excel at, something that I can do and feel good about.
I know! I tell myself, I’ll start my own web design company! But who DOESN’T have a web design company? Also, think I’m overwhelmed now? Yea. I can’t even remember to bill the four people I do hosting for as it is.
Oh! Oh! What about getting published! I wanna be published! I might as well line up in the heard o’ sheep waiting to be discovered by some publisher that will like her shit just as it is, without all the editing or rejection that would make me crawl under my bed and cry for three days shoving ten year old Twinkies down my gullet.
So, here I am back at the crux of my identity crisis. Am I just a big fish in a little pond? Am I a big fish in jeans so tight it causes stomach cramps? Am I trying to be someone I’m not? Am I pursuing too many distractions to prevent me from feeling the hurt and pain from my post partum hormones which are wrecking havoc on my poor lil’ mind?
Am I shutting the world out? Or figuring out how to be open?
That, my friends, is why I played the Euphonium in high school.
What? You say. What the hell is a Euphonium? It’s a small tuba that plays an octave higher and there are roughly four people in the world who know how to play it. Alright, I jest. But truly, as a sixth grade junior high schooler, all the girls wanted to play the flute or the clarinet. Not me. I had to play the Euphonium because that, see, that’s different. I would always be first chair because I would be the ONLY chair. Or I’d only have to beat out Skippy, the large pot smoking guy who barely remembered his real name, let alone carry a tune.
In life, I’m the same way. I pick the thing nobody else wants to do and I do it. And I do it well. I do it so well that people notice me. “Hey! She can teach the old people! She’s good at it!” Who wouldn’t be? A little patience, some spicey conversation and viola! Old people come from the caves to learn how to email their grandkids and tell your boss you MUST BE PROMOTED. There will be nobody to take your place, though. Nobody else wants the job. So you plug on, being the best damn old person computer teacher ever.
The thing about my little life is that I have several friends, good ones, I feel so in touch with. We will be talking, say something, and I’ll think, “my god, that’s me! it’s ME!” or I’ll read a blog and giggle with delight that I’ve found a soul sister. I’m happy to have people I have things in common with. I am, thrilled, actually.
I’ve decided I truly have to do things for myself. Truly. I have to not feel bad about it, not see it as selfishness, not be afraid to get off my ass and go to bed on time. I have to take the risk of achieving some dreams and letting go of others. I have to put myself in a place that I can appreciate what I have now, be looking ahead to the future, but not berate myself for not standing out enough.
It means I no longer play the Euphonium but that’s ok. I can still be me.
15 guests here now.
You may feel average, but to Mr. Flinger and L.B. (and many of us bloggy mommies) you are more than average. You are Mrs. Flinger the Great! Everyone is average to the world in some way, but it’s more important to be EXCELLENT to the ones you love.
By speechjane on 2006 02 17
my best gal Cess played euphonium in highschool too! wow…nothing you say should evah surprise me. me? i played clarinet.
and i totally agree with speech jane. Everyone wants to be rich and famous and discovered but real life isn’t about that. It is about loving who you are, loving the people in your life, and now especially, it is about loving that child so that she can grow up to be glad to be alive, glad for your encouragement, and loving to others. It’s not that complicated, break it down to the simplest components..and get happy before i kick your ass. you rock, man.
By texasbelle on 2006 02 17
I totally agree with everyone above. We all have a lot of roles in our lives, and learning how to juggle and when to be more or less of something seems to be a major part of LIFE.
I’ve never heard of a euphonium. At least you try new things! I was a piano lesson dropout and never tried any other instruments.
By Amy_M on 2006 02 17
Dude, relax. This is time when we pin all our hopes on our children.
I played the flute and never had a “This one time..in band camp…” experience. I feel cheated.
By Susie on 2006 02 17
I completely get where your writing from.
It’s really not an identity crisis, but adjusting to the new identity handed to you by parenthood. And yes, only you can reach out for your dreams like you want. That’s the only way.
By dizzymizzy on 2006 02 17
Amen sistah! I recently found out that my college roomate, ie: the ditziest dumb blonde I ever knew, is now a microbiologist. Ahem. Did I go and become an MD like I had gone to school for?? Hmmm? NO. It sucks when you find out stuff like that. But on the other hand, I am well on my way to teaching yoga. Same dif right? Well at least I don’t have to have the crazy MD schedule. Things change. And we don’t mind until we are hit in the face with someone we view as “more successful.” But says who? Money doesn’t make one happy, and believe it or not, you’re not going to think with your dying breath THANK GOD I WENT TO WORK FOR 16 HOURS A DAY! No. You’re going to think of all the time you had to spend with your family.
By candice on 2006 02 18
Crap! I just wrote a long comment and lost it. I’ve just recently “met” you through your blog and I think you are one of the funniest, talented, creative people I’ve met in the blogosphere. Motherhood is full of conflicting emotions. I work with a friend (I recommended her to the position) and damn if she hasn’t gone and gotten a freakin’ promotion after six months at my company and I’ve been there nearly FIVE years. She’s got an HR background, though, and built it into her hiring contract. She also works full time and I’ve “cut back” to 4 days and I’m very happy I did that but still I am a little jealous…which stinks. Hang in there! I could write a novel here but will close now.
By Jamie on 2006 02 18
Oh my freakin’ GAWD! I haven’t even read the rest of your post cause I had to make the comment that I PLAYED EUPHONIUM in high school too!! But I like to call it “Baritone.”
I can’t complain too much about it cause I got to sit next to a hunky bass trombone player whom I later married.
By ^starshine on 2006 02 18
Okay…back. “Sometimes I feel it?s hard to be set apart. I feel as if I?m just another average girl in an average house with her average Target clothing and her average hairdo and her average little life. I?m trying to find something I can excel at, something that I can do and feel good about”
I’m sitting here in my average target clothing with my average hairdo with my average little life…I’m right there with you chicka…
Spooky when you can see a part of yourself in a blog written by someone hundreds of miles away in another state. Perhaps we are all cut from the same cut of cloth and what we do with it is what matters. Kinda like a Project Runway sort of thing?!? I’m hoping that when I meet the man upstairs he won’t say…“You’re Out!”
By ^starshine on 2006 02 18
No more euphonium? But you were the only person I knew that played….
Now what I am going to do for my Sanit Paddy’s Day Party???
I liked this post.
So real. So true.
By kelly on 2006 02 18
I luff flingin’!! You’re tres chic!!
(and I enjoy keeping up w/ the flingin’ so keep it coming!)
By Little Miss on 2006 02 19
I think being you is the best thing you can be.
I really enjoy your writing. This is one of my favorite sites to visit.
By Jane on 2006 02 20
I didn’t even play a band instrument and I like you!
By Busy Mom on 2006 02 22
You, my friend, are NOT average. You’re amazing… and don’t EVER let anyone else (including yourself) make you feel that you are!!! You can do all kinds of things that I can’t. Hell, I didn’t even know what a blog was before you showed me… and I’d have no clue how to even start one of my own!
But worry not… you are not unique in feeling that way. I’ve been feeling a bit average myself lately…
By Water Girl on 2006 02 25
Oh, yea, Starshine, did I ever say, “OH MY FREAKIN’ GAWD!” to your comment? Did I?
How cool are we! Baritone playas! ROCK ON, SISTAH.
By Mrs. Flinger on 2006 02 27
LOL! Now I know why I like you! I played the tuba all the way through elementary and high school. I still own my tuba. I have hopes of one day having the time to join a small polka band.
I like you for other reasons, but I think you’re way cool for choosing the “fat kid instrument.”
By Laura on 2006 05 20