In which I offend most of you except maybe my dad. Or Rush Limbaugh.

Apr 03, 2008

#Life#Getting to know me#Mother F.U.C.K.E.R.#Rants and Raves

Be warned, Internet. I am ticked. Ticked, tired, and in charge of tiny tiny children who have no respect for “get off the floor and stop licking that stranger’s shoes fortheloveofgodI’mnottellingyouagain.”


Yesterday I

took schlepped my children

monkeys to the DMV. Having every forseen document I could think of, title of car, insurance, bank account information, birth certificate, passport, photos of my children. a letter from my teacher in fourth grade and my checkbook, I figured 2pm on a Wednesday was a pretty good time to try to get our cars licensed in the Evergreen State.

It’s never a good time to go to the DMV. Trust me. Never.

I walk in with the baby strapped to me and toting the three year old by the arm. Three meltdowns and twenty minutes later, we get to the counter. “WE DO NOT ACCEPT VISA OR DEBIT DO NOT PASS GO.” I politely ask the lady at the counter if I can keep my place in line and run out to my car for the checkbook which I dropped in the car while getting the kids out. “No.”

Alrighty then.

Twenty more minutes later and four more meltdowns we’re back up to the counter. “Here’s a letter of reference from my Biology professor in college, a passport, a drivers licensed and a cookie. I’d like to get my car licensed.” She looks over my papers and shakes her head. “Where’s your EPA paper?” “My whu?” “Your EEE PEEEE AYYYY paper.”

Apparently you have to visit another government agency about three miles south to have your car tested, pay 15 bucks and come back with an EPA paper.

Alrighty then.

So, an hour later I shlep the monkeys back to the counter (remembered my checkbook! YEY!) and get everything up to the same gal. “Hi again,” I’m out of breath now. “I have my EPA paper.” She’s quite, nodding, looking over everything and eating that cookie. “Hrm. No. You need to go to the Department of Revenue.”

Excuse me?

“Yes, see, blahblahblahdyblah title blahblahblah I’m going to charge you 800 dollars unless you go prove bladbloahblahablahhh”

I stare. LB licks the floor. Baby O scratches me.

“The department of revenue is 7 miles up the highway on the left. You’ll need to see them.”

Alrighty then.

Here’s where I get pissed. “YOU MEAN TO TELL ME….” there is a long string of words I’m not really sure of that came pouring out of my mouth. I may or may not have cussed. I may or may not have spoke in tongues. I may, or may not, have wet my pants and I may, or may not, have been talking a wee bit too loud.

The lady doesn’t budge. LB continues to lick the floor. Baby O scratches me again.

I sigh deeply, heavily, and with every fiber in my very tired mom body. I kick my daughter in the foot and tell her to “getoffthefloorrightnoworelse” and then grab her arm. With angry tears stinging my tired eyes, I walk out of the DMV shaking my head.

I know you have this story.  It’s something we can all relate to. But still we’ve somehow managed to pass out drivers licenses to most people, residents or not. But bygod, if you’re a mom with two small children trying to obey the law? Fuckyou.

I shiver in my soccer-mom shoes at the thought of the ever-so-efficient government being in charge of our medical care. Because the first time I go to the ER with my child having an asthma attack and some bitch behind the counter tells me I need such-and-such approval from the President to seek care? It will not be pretty. For any of us.


  1. OH dear. You guys may use my address to license your cars in Oregon. It’s much easier here, yes?

    By Rhi on 2008 04 03

  2. Exactly!!

    I always wonder at those who want to put the government in charge of anything truly important… I mean, have they never dealt with “civil servants” - most of whom are neither civil, nor serving?

    Granted - there will always be the exception to the rule - but for the most part, dealing with indolent, lazy “it’s not my job to help you and besides, I’ve got job security” types is enough to drive anyone mad… to be schlepping the offspring along throughout all of it must just intensify the effect!

    I’m so sorry you spent your day fighting to get this done only to come up empty.
    Let’s just hope that karma (whathaveyou) catches up with Miss “youcould’vetoldmethatthefirst3times” and she gets stuck trapped in a TSA loop at the airport! raspberry


    And no… you didn’t offend me.  The fact that you went through all of that offends me.

    By GeekMommy on 2008 04 03

  3. Ok. That sucks and I totally know that feeling! But I may or may not have peed my pants laughing at this post, Flinger!

    I am always more and more floored (and pissed off) by people’s lack of responsible behavior. That bitch should totally have gone through everything with you at once! What an ass! And I thought my concierge was irresponsible.

    By themommykelly on 2008 04 03

  4. THIS is why I avoid—at all costs—taking my children anywhere alone.

    By Sleeping Mommy on 2008 04 03

  5. Hell yes. This post is the best example I’ve ever seen. Government in charge of anything is a clusterfuck waiting to happen.

    By chilihead on 2008 04 03

  6. Oh girl, I hear you.  Tried to change my name at Social Security once.  Almost had to go to court over it.

    By MammaLoves on 2008 04 03

  7. WHAT is wrong with those people?  Do they like to torture us?  Maybe they should just all switch careers and become dominatrixs’, because if anyone truly wanted to be treated that badly I am sure they would pay someone to do it.

    I am so sorry you had this experience.

    By Carrie on 2008 04 03

  8. AMEN!

    By Mrs Fussypants on 2008 04 03

  9. You could not have stated it more eloquently, my friend.

    By hilary on 2008 04 03

  10. Too Right!


    and well said.

    By Mimi/pz5wjj on 2008 04 03

  11. I have a theory about government employees. Some are helpful and kind and others? I SWEAR they enjoy F*cking with people and exerting the small power that they have to make their lives less miserable.

    By Loralee on 2008 04 03

  12. Try going with a “certificate of live birth” as issued in GERMANY to those of us Army brats out there. Their pantys get in a tight little wad then…

    I am sure that they search the deepest trenches of hell for those employees…

    Maybe that is where I should start looking to hire.

    By Faith on 2008 04 03

  13. You gave that b1tch your cookie?

    By rimarama on 2008 04 03

  14. I am with you, Flinger!!!!

    By Marie on 2008 04 03

  15. dare i say it, i had a good (VERY) good experience at my last trip to DMV. I had blocked about 3 hours and was there less than 30 minutes ???

    By feener on 2008 04 03

  16. Eek.  What the hell is wrong with people?

    By AMomTwoBoys on 2008 04 03

  17. OH MY GOSH. I think I could PEE i’m laughing so hard. But I can’t yell at my kid for doing it, so I probably shouldn’t do it myself. lol

    By sister flinger on 2008 04 03

  18. Crying.  I am crying from laughter.  If my laptop is ruined from the SPEW of my soda pop…you’re worth it girl.  How the heck are you?  Are you going to Blogher?  Have I asked you this 500 times?

    By white trash mom on 2008 04 03

  19. I couldn’t agree MORE!  ARRRRRRRRRRGH!

    I’ve been wanting to do a post about universal health care…this is inspiring me!

    By Christine on 2008 04 03

  20. The DMV in NJ told me they could not accept my forms of ID because the name on my original, stamped, birth certificate (maiden) did not match the name on my passport (married).  I should note that my married name also appeared on the NJ driver license I was there to renew - clearly they had accepted my ID in the past.  After blinking 487 times while trying VERY hard not to shout expletives, I asked what I should do next.  She actually suggested I contact my town of birth to have them update my birth record and bring the revised birth certificate (with my married name on it) back to her!  No amount of blinking kept the very loud comments about her intelligence back after that.

    By karen on 2008 04 03