Insecurities

19/Jan/2009

Most of the time, I walk around feeling confident, tired, irritated, strong. All these emotions cover my thirty-three year old self. I’m a mother, a wife, and a million other roles, almost all at the same time. Insecurity isn’t something I have time for most days.

Sometimes, though, it seeks me out. It finds me when I least expect it. And it brings me to my knees.

I can recall very insecure times in my life. These times are something I don’t dwell on, don’t want to relive. It’s part (or all) of why I left facebook. There are relationships I’ve moved on from that I don’t need to invite back. I’ve grown. I’m not the same person I was in high school, in college, in church. I’m much happier with where I stand today and where my life is. I’m pleased with the decisions, over all, and my marriage is a good, strong pillar in my life. My kids, my career, my friends: All these things I value and hold dear in living as the person I am today, not twenty years ago.

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So why can something from ten years ago kick me down in one fell swoop? I. Do. Not. Know.

After dinner with some of my college friends the other night, we laughed about how silly we were at 21. So young! So insecure! So. .. So.. stupid.

We’re all happy now, with families and jobs and lives and friends. We stay in touch. We were together, best friends, during some of the most awkward times of life and it’s easy to be friends in the secure times.

Not everyone in my life is the same.

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I realized I never truly tackled my insecure side. I simply pushed it down, down, down until I could tell myself she was gone. She comes out about once a month and I blame hormones and sleep deprivation for my weakness. But she’s always there. Hiding. Lurking. Waiting. And when she comes out, mocking at my confidence, I feel so sheepish, so weak, easily afraid.

Up until this moment, I’ve hated her and wished her death. I wanted to never deal with her, to never face her. Today, however, I’ve decided to welcome her in to my conscience. She’s a path to understanding. Should I not have her at all, I would not relate to my daughter as she enters the Awkward Years. I would not understand her social fears. I could not empathize with her tears.

So today, I celebrate the woman I am now: Business Owner, Lover, Mother, Friend. But I hold my insecure side by the hand accepting she’s still there. She’s shaking in her boots, terrified of how good life is. Afraid for The Shoe To Drop. She’s wondering how everything got so great.

And it’s ok. I can’t explain it either. Hopefully one day she’ll accept that life really is great. And that will be the day I let her go for good.

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Comments

  1. You know I was just thinking that one of the best things about Facebook is that it makes me feel good about who I am today and who I wasn’t back then. All those people in high school that I thought had it going on - well with hindsight it’s clear they didn’t. I look at what I’ve accomplished and I realize that I’m glad I didn’t get tied down by all that - evidently when you peak that young it’s hard to move on.

    By Melizzard on 2009 01 19

  2. I have never had any interest in Facebook because I love my life and the friends I have now. I have a few that I made in college who have stayed lifelong friends but any others? Have gone their own way, just like I have. And I have no desire to go back there. I like here very much.

    By Mrs. Who on 2009 01 19

  3. Mrs. Who: Yes, here is nice. I’m glad to be Here with you. grin

    ANd Melizzard: I giggled with the peak comment but it’s TRUE. I don’t want or need to remember there. I’m ok with never attending a single high school reunion. The world spins on.

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2009 01 19

  4. I am more insecure than I’d like to admit sometimes.  So, I totally got this post.  Oh, and I’m 34, so I was doing the Macarena and wearing flannel back in 1997, too!

    By secret agent mama on 2009 01 19

  5. Secret Agent Mama: You are so totally on my “favorite people to hump, I mean lick, I mean do the macarena together at Blissdom.” Ohyea.

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2009 01 19

  6. I’ve got one of those insecure girls hiding in my closet too - and as of yet, Facebook isn’t indimidating here, mostly because I’m not there for the bad past. Only the good.  Those other people from high school can suck it!!!

    In other words, I get it too!

    By Carrie on 2009 01 19

  7. Oh, I hear you! I think we all feel this way deep down—you just had the balls to say it!! And you gained yourself a new subscriber in the process. smile

    By Scary Mommy on 2009 01 19

  8. I know what you speak of.  Next time, call me.  like last time.  I make you giggle.  smile

    By Karen Sugarpanties on 2009 01 19

  9. I can’t believe you posted the macarena picture! Too funny. Or not.  wink

    It’s interesting because I don’t associate being insecure with those college days. Sure, they had their moments, but for me I really felt like I was finally coming out of my shell and becoming who I really was instead of the shy, insecure high school student. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t surrounded by people who already had a preconceived notion of who I was supposed to be. I loved that freedom.

    But now that you’ve just labeled our behavior stupid… I might have to rethink it all again. smile

    By Paige on 2009 01 19

  10. Such a great post. And I love how honest you are. Reading your blog is making me want to find my writing self again. I’ve journaled since the 5th grade but it has fallen to the wayside since the birth of my son. Thank you for the inspiration. I hope that someday I can be as strong as you are and welcome my Little Miss Insecure back and let her stay. Thank you.

    By April on 2009 01 19

  11. I’m so there with you.  I hide my insecurity behind my smart mouth.

    By MariaV on 2009 01 20

  12. “She comes out about once a month and I blame hormones and sleep deprivation for my weakness. But she’s always there. Hiding. Lurking. Waiting.”

    Oh, this is so me.  I hate that my hormones rule me once a month, completely undoing all the good, hard work I’ve done and the progress I’ve made in the previous three weeks.  I hate who I become.  I hate how much I hate myself.  Yet I don’t know how to change it.  *shakes head*

    By Chibi Jeebs on 2009 01 21

  13. It’s posts like this one that remind us we aren’t alone. We all have securities we just forget that because often times we think others look superhuman as we try to act ourselves.

    By Heidi on 2009 01 24