It’s like sending your kid to jr. high with new headgear

25/Feb/2006

Can you imagine taking your child to Jr. High in this? No? You can imagine the mocking, the horrible, painful, insulting words flung openly at your vulnerable pre-pubescent teen and saying, “nobody will notice.”

Yea, right they’ll notice.

Our house is getting an inspection on Tuesday. I am horrified. I have that feeling of “oh, god, they’re going to mock! The gutters! The yard! The

mice rats

dead rats! The roof, oh god the roof. Oohhhhh, theeeeee rooooooof.”

I am not sleeping at night thinking about how we will ever afford to leave. I am searching google for the cost of housing supplies instead of grading exams, making dinner or being a good mommy and changing poopy diapers before they leak. I’m obsessing over the bathroom and the toilet and the counter tops circa 1962. The oven. Oh, the original oven and stove top. The electrical issues. Are there any?

What if nobody ever wants our house? What if I have to take it to prom because nobody else will and the poor thing will just start to fold inward and the self loathing will take over. What if it’s never moving out, even when it’s 35 and drinking starting at 10am?

I. Can’t. Watch.

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Comments

  1. Okay, you seriously crack me up.  And bless your heart - good luck on the inspection.  Hopefully you’ll be the last in a string of inspections and the inspector will be tired and he (or she) will stand out in the yard and say, “Is it standing?  Yes.  A++++ Recommended Seller.”

    Because, of course, the inspector will have spent all his (or her) time off the job on eBay.

    Yeesh I need sleep.

    By Seuss on 2006 02 25

  2. I’m with Seuss. I’m hoping the inspector will be in a favorable mood on Tuesday and grant you a great inspection report! Hang in there! At least it’s on Tuesday when you’ll be at work, holding all those college student’s hands.  smile

    Love the headgear pic. I don’t know where you find things like that!

    By Paige (CoraBelle) on 2006 02 25

  3. I always think getting inspected for anything is like a strip search in jail.
    Put on your pretty thong and tease him
    into passing you.  You will do fine!!!

    By dizzymizzy on 2006 02 25

  4. He thats my headgear! Luckily I just had to wear it to bed (for a year). Though if I slept too late I’d have impressions on my cheeks when I got to school and that was embarrassing.

    My parents bought a house when I was a kid a a few short months later realized they needed a bigger house. The couldn’t get anyone to buy the house and they were in a rush to move so they jsut rented it out. Is that an option for you?

    By Sarah on 2006 02 25

  5. Our house was built in 1968 so I feel your butt ugly duckling pain (ours had a BLUE toilet when we bought her and was stuck in the 80s in a bad color scheme way)...maybe they can go to the prom together if they end up dateless old hags? Sending you happy home inspector juju.

    By Jamie on 2006 02 26

  6. Original Oven!That’s a feature these days! Retro! It’s a good thing. really.
    Maybe serve the inspector a drink?

    By Mygirlsma on 2006 02 26

  7. I like the idea of making the inspector a drink.  Heehee…

    If it makes you feel any better, we still bought our house in spite of: the poop/rust shag carpeting everywhere, orange palette linoleum everywhere else, icky fireplace insert, weird bathroom layouts, drop-in Hotpoint oven that looked like it was going to blow up, a saggy old garage door, and horrible paint throughout the house.

    We’re slowly redoing it a piece at a time.  smile

    By lanna on 2006 02 26

  8. Oh. My. God. You sounds like me. We are currently updating! And painting! Whatever it takes to get rid of this place! But we have issues with the DEP in our back yard (wetlands) so we can’t market til they get their asses over here and cut a tree or two down. Bastards! I wish you LOADS of LUCK in your inspection. You’ll do great - any doubts, maybe flash some boobie?

    By Susie on 2006 02 26

  9. BREATHE! repeat.

    By candice on 2006 02 26

  10. Oh and I had that headgear, bitches! And the fact that I never wore it is probably the reason I had braces for 8 years.

    By candice on 2006 02 26

  11. I had headgear to wear at night too in jr high.  My mom has one photograph of me wearing it that she used to threaten to show my friends. Thanks for bringing up the repressed memories of past orthodontia!

    An inspection means you have a possible buyer! Inspectors come up with all sorts of small %$^%@# that’s wrong with your house.  Remember you don’t have to agree to fix everything.  For our first house, we offered our buyers a $500 Home Depot giftcard so they could fix up odds and ends themselves!
    Need a house, now?  Still got an extra one in B’ham-we’ll even help ya move in! smile

    By Amy_M on 2006 02 26

  12. Sorry ‘bout the old memories, y’all. wink I’ll pay for the shrink therapy.

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2006 02 27