Geeky Talks
Let’s talk about vaginal sonograms, shall we?
Because y?all need to read more about my fun-with-hormones, thought I?d let y?all know what the doctor said and the lube party that ensued. There hasn?t been this much action in my hayhay since conception. Party? Understatement.
After yet another HCG draw today, I got to see my actual OB. I brought Mr. Flinger (keeping LB from sucking on the ear instrument or playing with the stirrups) to be sure the doc didn?t say ?you?re going to be fine? and I hear ?you?ll be barren for life, might as well get the adoption option started.? This, roughly, is how things went. (Words of Dr. H in green)
?Well, [bust in to full paragraph here]... [take deep breath and see if he?s not passed out, rolling his eyes or sipping vodka in his flask].. So, I started feeling pain on my left side, googled, freaked out, and here I am.?
[Enter a lot of poking, prodding, painful fingering and awkward conversation and blushing.]
(What I heard: YOU MIGHT HAVE A BABY)
I went upstairs, with a ?STAT? order (I love being a STAT, as per hypochondria 101) and got in for the porno prod. Here?s the question I have for you. Every time I?ve had this done, I?ve always had to insert the wand myself, is this normal? Now, I?m not a prude, I?m married, I?ve had sex (obviously) and I?ve had long objects covered with latex in there before. But the most horrid, most awkward, most weirdest thing ever, is being told to ?insert the wand? and then let a lady take control of the ?object?. I mean, I realize it?s not vibrating, there is no porn (unless when they say ?ovary on the screen? they mean ?gay midget porn?), and the amount of lube they use would cause me to slide into the north forty if I sat up suddenly. I?d like to say it was neat (yes, I just said ?neat?) to see my ovaries and vagina starring in black and white in their own little show, but I?d be lying. It?s not as neat as seeing your baby and it?s much more difficult to relax when a lady keeps telling you to ?lift your butt up in the air? so she can shove the wand oh-so-much higher.
You know that part of ?Dumb and Dumber? where Jim Carrey is asking ?so do I have a chance at dating you?? and she says, ?one in a million,? and he yells, ?so I have a chance!!!? That?s exactly how I feel right now. I?m uncharacteristically (and, per Mr. Flinger, stupidly) globbing on to the ?we?ve been surprised before? sentence. ?You mean there?s a CHANCE?!? I practically screamed. In retrospect, and after much talking to the person without pregnancy hormones who heard the same conversation, I think he was saying, and leaning more toward, ?It?s not ectopic. Go home. Your hormones are still rising. Eventually, you?ll have a natural miscarriage. And we?ll worry about what to do next, later.?
I think he?s hoping things just sort of work out on their own. I think he knows, what I don?t want to admit anymore, that I?ll have a natural miscarriage within the week. That this was just ?a bad egg? and instead of tossing it down the hatch, , I have to grieve and bleed and cry. Or make pretty excel graphs to guess what my HCG would be on Tuesday if I go at the same trend I have so far.
Some people grieve with chocolate. Some grieve with ice cream. We use excel. ?Cause that?s how we roll.
*chart has some exponetial trend line that states the possible HCG level for Tuesday. Expected number: 580. Well, shit. That’s below 1500. Shall we wager on the actual number? Shall we? My over-optimistic guess: 2100. I’ll be puking by Friday.
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I’m psychotically hunter-gatherer in my informational needs when I want to know what is going on with my health or someone with whom I share DNA. It makes you freak yourself out but also knowing “stuff” makes you feel better at the same time.
When I miscarried, my body worked “perfectly” according to the doc. Yeah, a**hole, so why didn’t it work perfectly to keep the little sucker in there, huh?? Answer me that!!!
I’m sorry all this is happening, your entire attitude is amazing and if I could, I would totally come over to your house with tons of chocolate and we can make Excel charts with the intersecting points represented by milk chocolate covered caramels.
Wow. Well, here’s to hoping for a miracle! Hey, I can still hold out hope, right?
As for the vajayjay u/s? Um, my OB has always done them himself. So, no, I have never been the one to “insert” the wand. WTF are you paying them for if it’s self-serve?
Yeah, the amount of KY they use is excessive to say the least. Maybe if they were parking a Hummer up there I’d understand. But, really? What is the point of using half a tube?
Also, you’ve got MAD Excel skillz, lady!
Muah!
~Christine
HAHAHA! Christine! I just about snotted on my screen “What are you paying them for if it’s self service?”
BUHAHAHAH.
And thanks, Sonia. Chocolate. Yes. More. Chocolate.
This sounds promising!
Oh, and I’ve never “done my own wand” either. Maybe you just have that look that says you really know what you’re doing down there and they don’t want to get in your way.
I’ve always had to insert it myself. That’s uhmm, ackward. Then the rising of the hips. So not fun.
Praying you’ll be puking by Friday.
Yep. Got to insert it myself. Luckily, I had heard stories from enough other people who had had THAT kind of u/s that I knew what was in store for me.
You have to wait till next Tuesday? I’ll be crossing fingers and toes.
Whoa. I’ve never had to insert it myself. That sounds like something I’d need a glass of red and a little Barry White to accomplish, not the stark brightness of a doctor’s office.
Never had to do my own insertion. Appalled by the concept. If you’re doing your own inserting, you need a new husband/lover/doctor/sono tech/etc. I’m just saying, just throwing it out there, ya know? Good luck, I’ll keep praying, (for the pregnancy, not the insertion aid.)
I have NEVER heard of the ‘inserting the wand’ yourself gig. Never. Over here they treat you right and slam it in until you cough a little in fear and in pain.
Here’s to holding on to a little hope, hon!
Still nothing brilliant to say but listening all the same. Please keep us posted and, as for chocolate, might I recomend getting an espresso shot from Starbucks and then making your own latte with chocolate (whole) milk- it is liquid crack.
Never inserted either, but that wand does kinda crack me up every time I see it. And frightens me, at the same time.
Mmm..the wand. I stare at it with twinkling eyes every time I go to the OB. I keep hoping they’ll use it again.
With the last pregnancy, all I talked about was going back to the doctor’s to visit “the wand”. I think the doctor behind it just really knew what she was doing.
...hold on..I’m thinking about the wand again.
I’m SO holding out hope, sweetie! big number big numberrrr Flinger needs a baby!
I’ve never had the wand treatment and seeing as my uterus is closed for business I somehow feel robbed of the experience. (Just kidding…) BTW, a friend of mine has had one and she had to poke herself. But yeah, you’d think they’d dim the lights and put on some jazz or something. Can you say awkward? Crossing my fingers and toes for you…sounds like you’ve got your spunk back, though, and you are rolling with the punches.
So the president of my company just walked in my office while I was reading about your hayhay. Good thing I didn’t blurt out any inappropriate words like LUBE or WAND!
Yeah… I had to have an ultrasound like every WEEK when I was preggo and I was the lucky one to insert the wand. At first it was awkward, but not even CLOSE to as awkward as it was the ONE time the nurse tried to do it and started cramming it up the WRONG opening… (wait for it…) AAAAAAAAAACK! I was all “WOAH” and sliding and moving all around trying to covertly guide her to the right area. I mean, what was I gonna say? I’m there with my hubby and this chick is pokin and proddin and I’m trying to decide how is the best way to inform her she is barking up the wrong tree, so to speak. Finally I just said “Uh, maybe try UP a little?” and she got all red and said “OH… yeah… hee hee.” I really think I should have either gotten that u/s for free or gotten dinner out of her first.
Anyway, I think that’s why they let YOU do the inserting. Of course, if YOU put it in the wrong “area”... well, that’s a whole other issue.
I have always had to insert myself as well
LOL
Praying for you sweetie!
I’ve never had to do the wand myself. I’m not paying for self-service when I’m there, I expect a little tickle first.
I think it’s perfectly natural to glom on to the one happy phrase you might have heard at the doctor’s visit. My fingers are crossed for you.
Thankfully I never had a Vag u/s. It’s bad enough they check your cervix - I dont know if I could handle the wand and self insertion!
Excel - I swear you are turning a leaf woman (secretly I know you like evil microsoft stuff)! Hang in there hun, we’ll be thinking and hoping with you!
Never had one of…uh…those ultrasounds, but I can’t imagine keeping a straight face if they asked me to “insert the wand” myself. I would think it was a joke! And I say grieving with excel AND chocolate AND icecream is the ticket! Why settle for one when you can have all three?
I really hope that maybe you have a chance.
I have had plenty of vaginal sonograms and had to insert the wand. Really didn’t enjoy that.
I hope things are okay. Still praying for you.
I haven’t been here in about a week I guess. I am sorry that things aren’t looking promising, but I am praying for you.
I’ve never had a vaginal ultrasound. I only got the belly kind. I was thankful for it then, and even more thankful for it now that I know there’s a chance they would have made me insert it myself. While they watch?? No thank you.
((HUGS)) and hopes of nausea and sore boobs
Ah I just had a vajayjay date with the wand this AM at the repro center to check my follicles from the clomid. I think at my next scan with the dildo cam I’m going to let them know it might be nice if they got the one with the rabbit ears?
Oh and no self service here either. I have never had to insert and hand the stick over - that seems gossly intimate! Do you avoid eye contact? Do you leave the money on the table before you leave?
INSERT IT YOURSELF?????????????????? no.
Here’s hoping for good news.
Hmm. That is too bad that the doctor couldn’t have been more specific about what will happen. It sounds like there must be SOME hope, otherwise I would have thought he’d give you the worst case scenario. Anyhow, you are still in my prayers! Take care and take it easy and try to relax.
Never heard of the insert-it-yourself. Wowza!
Hang in there…
Yay for babies and possibilities!
Yay for the funny blog as well!
Yeah for possibilities and excel therapy.
What happened to me? I used to check your blog all the time and then I guess I must have lost my mind at some point because I just saw your name and thought…Hey! I loved her! Why isn’t she in my favorites?
And then I come here and everything is so shitty for you right now and I’m so sorry that I wasn’t here earlier. I don’t have your email address so I’m just going to write a whole thing here and feel free to delete it if it overtakes your whole comment section.
I had the exact same thing happen to me. I wish I could say it ended well but I did end up losing the pregnancy. They called it a “missed abortion” (No really, I didn’t miss it at all) so I thought I was pregnant but the numbers and the sonogram told a different story. I waited to miscarry for a month and when I didn’t I had an abortion. People told me all sorts of fucked up things like “Your baby is playing hide and seek with Jesus” so I won’t say any of that but I will say three things:
1. It’s still possible you’re pregnant. Stranger things have happened. I’m praying for you…and I don’t pray so that’s really saying something.
2. The only thing that helped me was repeating a mantra that a friend who’d gone through the same thing told me. “When you come up against something that you have no control over, you have to trust that the universe is working on your behalf.”
3. If I hadn’t have had that miscarriage I probably wouldn’t have Hailey now. It didn’t make it easier at the time but it helps now.
Please let me know if you need anything…or just want to vent to someone. You sound like you still have your amazing sense of humor (you’re not supposed to make me laugh at possible miscarriages, dear) so I know you’ll be okay matter what, but if you need me I’m here.
Oh and also…I always have to insert my own wand. And yeah…awkward as an upside-down turtle.
Wishing,hoping,praying for you and those HCG levels. Love the excel too BTW. I just had an ultrasound this morining and feel like I have had enough in the last few months to consider myself a pro. I do have mixed reviews for ya. At my 3D ultrasound it was self service (I thought it was wierd too) but at all of my fertility appointments the Doc takes care of all that. Thankfully.
You may have missed a calling for accounting or statistical work…
Still thinking of you guys and hoping for the best.
Graphs are cool. Yay graphs!
I am hoping for the unlikely for you. Because unlikely doesn’t equal impossible.
I had to insert it on my own once, in the ER (back when we thought Brody was an ectopic)... otherwise I would have ended up with a colonoscopy. The dude was obviously misinformed as to where a vajayjay is.
I have never had to insert it myself. I used to work in a high-risk OB unit, and it was not self-service there. Ever. And all of the techs knew a difference between a vajayjay and an asshole. Classy.
It’s not ectopic. Numbers are going up. So either baby is in the right spot and taking time with implantation, or things are not going to go. I’m holding out hope for the former.
And if that turns out to be the case? I’m voting male. Only a tiny man could cause this much trouble already.
“And if that turns out to be the case? I?m voting male. Only a tiny man could cause this much trouble already.”
*snort*
Ain’t that the truth.
I’m feeling shitty like JEnny—been self-absorbed and hadn’t checked in for awhile.
Praying real hard for good news this Friday!
Honey, I just read what’s been going on in the last week and I am so sorry you’re going through all this. Gah.
My last pregnancy, I had pains in my left side for the first two months and went in for the early sonogram and everything was fine. And my pains were so bad I’d break out in a sweat and have to lie down until they went away. They decided it was probably a corpus luteum cyst, which they said is fairly common- so I’ll bet that’s what you have. All I know is I don’t have it this time.
I’m praying for you, Mrs. F.
she made you insert the wand? What? Why? I’ve had two and both times the doctor did that job himself.
I am so glad this isn’t going to kill you. Well not physically anyway. What an emotional rolelr coaster. I am still holding out hope though. If anything I hope for your sake this is all done soon. Whether little coffee bean stays or goes. I can’t imagine the ups and downs.
Hang in there girly!
The second time I got “wanded”, she asked me to put it in myself. I thought that was really weird since the first time I got it done, the nurse did it for me. Of course, the whole experience is just weird…someone else driving that thing!
not a fan of the vaginal wand, but my hypochondriac self required it with every pregnancy.
I just caught up on your most recent posts. And like I told my best friend when she went through this same thing…let me do the crying for a bit. Give yourself a break to enjoy the sunshine. I promise not to let the grieving stop so you can feel a moment of peace.
hugs and prayers.