I remember my dad laughing out loud, heartily, at the show “Married With Children.” I remember thinking it wasn’t that funny. It was OK funny. It was “eh”. But laughing out loud? Not so much.
I think I get it more now. The two kids. The money. The sleep deprivation. The lack of a sex life. The “you better praise your lucky stars I shaved my legs today.” The job. The mortgage.
Did I already mention the kids?
The kids. ... Again ...
We had a long talk last night about our life. It’s hard. It’s not what we thought. It’s more all-consuming having these children. And that’s just from his perspective.
I know you know (but hey! Just in case you’re new here) I was the one who struggled with Postpartum last time around. I’m doing much better this time. In fact, I am almost embracing the whole mom gig. It’s not easy, sure. It’s not always fun, right. It’s annoying/frustrating/exhausting of course. But it’s supposed to be, right? And well.. It’s not all that bad.
Is it possible for Dads to have Postpartum Depression?
I’ll never understand the thought process that having a kid will save a marriage. I had a pretty great marriage. I married my lobster. But those kids, they do things to you. They make you fight. They make you tired. They make you wonder when the last time you did something truly FUN, without having to rush home, worry, wonder what was going on with them. The mister is having a hard time.
And it makes me just so very sad that I can’t fix it. Because I’m a mom and we want to fix everything.
O.K. it is 9:17 in the morning and you are already making me cry. As you very well know the struggles we had with the boy was hard very hard on me…being home all day long with a screaming child was not easy…but my husband took it even worse. He changed; he wasn’t the man I married for over 6 months and I couldn’t help him…and he still is stuck in this “this child is ruining our life” phase this regret for having more then just one. So yes! it is very possible for men to have postpartum depression…getting them to admit to it and get help is probably one of the hardest things to do in the world. ” I’m just stressed, thats all” is what I would/will hear. I felt like flying back home to where family was for support because I wasn’t getting it from my husband and the fights we had scared me I knew this wasn’t who we were and I didn’t want this phase in our life to end our marriage I knew we would survive and we did!!! WE survived HE survived and we are closer then I could ever have imagined!!! It was hard for me to see our child suffer and cry but it is even harder to see my first love have a hard time!
By Veronica on 2007 12 17
In 2005 we had Miss A (girl baby #2) and it also happened to be the year that my husband was taking his business to a whole ‘notha level.
I cannot tell you how incredibly stressful this was on us as a couple. I was in the la la la la baby mommy land cruise control thing and he was in the work work work his ass off thing. It was very difficult and he felt ignored by me a lot of times. I just didn’t “get” the whole his business is our future thing.
Things are much better now, but of course my kiddos are older.
Sometimes, though, when they are with our parents for the night we get a glimpse of what it was like pre-kids and we kind of miss it but then it gets awfully damn quiet and we miss them.
But I love this post…kudos to you Mrs. F for talking about how hard kids can be on your marriage!
By Jamie on 2007 12 17
Sorry to hear that your husband is having a rough time. Mine isnt necessarily depressed, but I know he’s beyond overwhelmed. I think that the husbands have it worse than we do sometimes, they’re expected to provide financially AND help out at home AND relieve the baby-care stress that we’re dealing with, and a lot of time no one realizes how much they’re having to take on, all at once.
I hope that he can find the answers he needs soon.
By Carrie on 2007 12 17
Ugh—I have no helpful advice or witty thoughts to add. It IS hard. Hard on everyone. I posted yesterday about how I have forgotten how crazy our life was not too long ago. I honestly don’t remember the stress, but I’m sure it was there. You can’t change your husband’s attitude or mindset, unfortunately. Good luck.
By 4andcounting on 2007 12 17
I hear ya, sistah. It is hard. It puts a lot of stress on a marriage and a family. Ugh…our mothers never told us that part.
P.S. LOVE the Friends reference! :0)
By AMomTwoBoys on 2007 12 17
It is hard. It is so hard. It.is.really.hard.
I understand why some marriages don’t stick.
I read an article somewhere that there was a study done that people who are married with children are happier in the long run? But not happier in the day to day? I totally understand.
By Hydes Like Us on 2007 12 17
Veronica, hon, you’re making ME teary! I remember you talking about it this summer. I’m so glad it’s turning around. And yes, you’re right, the screaming baby does nothing for your relationship. Eventually they stop screaming.
Jamie, thank you. I appreciate your input and I do need to remember he’s in job mode right now and I’m in home mode just bopping along. It’s exactly what I’m doing.
Carrie, I couldn’t agree more! We talk about Moms having all this pressure (decide to work? not work?) but the dads aren’t given the credit to be torn (work AND home AND financial security AND help).
4andcounting, that is wonderful to know you don’t even remember it. That means there is hope! I’ll have to come read!
AMomTwoBoys, heh, you got the reference! I was wondering if it was too obscure. And no, my mom didn’t tell me this. I think she wanted Grandchildren so she kept that part a secret. heh.
By Mrs. Flinger on 2007 12 17
oh, and HH! You comment came in as I was typing. I’m sure we’ll be happier in the long run. I mean, there will be kids to put us in a home later. And that’s all worth the struggle now, right?
By Mrs. Flinger on 2007 12 17
Sweet pea I’m sorry you’re going through this with hubby! Having kids changes everything - I know it’s cliche, but it is true. I lost what I thought was my lobster over the deal when the twins were born. but it was because he had serious issues not condusive to being a partner.
But you will get through it. It may be rough, but it sounds like you are working together as much as you can and in time, the babies won’t be babies anymore and you will get more free time, or at least time to spend together - hopefully:)
I’m thinking positive thoughts for you Mrs. F! Stay strong and stand by your man.
By Mommi Tutu on 2007 12 17
YES. It is legitimate to have male post partum depression. It’s probably a LOT more prevalent than we think, it’s just that as everyone’s said, the men tend to tough it out instead of, say, blog about it. lol.
But YES. PPD is definitely a possibility for him.
Sophia is 15 months next week and it was only this weekend (amidst the waves of vomit and diarrhea) that we felt like a real couple again.
Hang in there. You keep turning corners. It keeps getting easier. It’s never easy, but it gets easiER.
And I know I don’t have to tell you this, but don’t discount the possibility of putting him on drugs if it gets out of hand!
By laura Camacho on 2007 12 17
It’s definitely an adjustment for both of you. Which is why I’m sad when folks think having a baby will make everything all shiny and happy. No, more like sleep-deprived and covered in 3-day-old spit-up. Is there a way you can do something special for the Mr.? Or finagle some way to get a few hours to yourselves? Hubby and I do better (in our relationship) if we can get out of the house for a movie and/or dinner together. Sure, the first 30 minutes is usually spent talking about the kids or other random household stuff (hey, it’s the major stuff in our lives!), then we tend to migrate towards other, more adult topics like real estate, politics, etc. Or reminiscing about the days of sleep and the craziness that was the beginning of our relationship, whatever.
By lanna on 2007 12 17
I have a friend that had a baby to save the marriage. Then, when that didn’t work, they got pregnant again. They are now in the beginning of divorce papers.
People are funny. Stupid funny.
By Mrs. Mustard on 2007 12 17
I wish I had something to say, but what a beautiful thing you just wrote. Ithink what he is going thru is probably very normal.
Hugs to you all.
By margbm2 on 2007 12 17
I had to go back and find the Friends reference - it’s so much a part of my lexicon that I wasn’t even thinking of Friends when I read it.
Scout has it. Just one more reason we should move to Seattle - so the hubses (hubsi? what’s the plural of hubs?) can bond over beer and ‘wtf happened to my life’
By Dawn S. on 2007 12 17
It seems like things come to a head around the holidays… at least that’s been true in my life. We’re supposed to be all Hallmark happy and blahblahblah. But life isn’t that way. You can’t dictate when you’re going to feel this way or that. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves trying to feel a certain way. Dang. Life’s hard! Marriage with children is hard! Hugs to y’all…
By Marie on 2007 12 17
This so hits home for me! I already had my oldest when I met David. She was five. She was six when we got married and we decided we wanted to try and have kids right away. 4YO was more nine monhts, five days after our wedding day. Good timing? Oh yeah! We never really got the ‘good marriage on our own’ feeling and went straight into having one kid, with one on the way!
And it’s so hard to really *connect* when you’re not sure you ever really gave yourself time to connect to begin with! We get along great…but these children really do make EVERYTHING DIFFICULT!!!
I was shopping the other night and I passed a couple who was blaming each other for the fact that their toddler was in the next aisle over. I sort of wish I had known them, so I would have been able to make a joke about how they really ARE MARRIED. Sometimes, things just need to lighten up a bit. You’re SUPPOSED to disagree when you have kids. You’re SUPPOSED to blame each other for losing your kid in Sam’s Club!
Isn’t that what being ‘Married, with Children’ is all about?
By LeannIAm on 2007 12 17
...and 4YO was *BORN* nine months, five days after our wedding day. Not MORE! How did my brain do that?
I blame the children.
By LeannIAm on 2007 12 17
We were that way too. It’s a rough adjustment from 1 to 2.The good thing is, they get better with the 3rd!2-3 is not so bad.
If you get time, stop by and visit my holiday home tour on wednesday.
By Jen Rizzo on 2007 12 17
Hell, yes, you can have fathers with depression. It is a whole bucket of stress being the daddy. I think people tend to dismiss father’s and their contribution to the home. They are expected to work, pitch in when they get home, help with everything, be patient, fun, understand our craaazy mood swings accept the fact that we are obsessed with our children and don’t quite have the time or adoration we had for them before the bundles of joy arrived. OH, and never ever let us feel anything but uber hot and sexy with our post-baby bodies.
It can make a lot of men’s heads spin.
By Loralee on 2007 12 17
Kids are HARD. In general. On you. On your hubby. On US.
Which is why we make a point to get out WITHOUT them often.
And are planning a WEEK away in February.
WE need to be good, in order for our family to be good.
That photo is PRICELESS.
By Angella on 2007 12 17