(And you thought I wasn’t going to talk about this pregnancy all the time. HA! If I could do anything aside from dry heave over a sink all day, perhaps I’d go out and get some actual material. Instead, you’re stuck with gagging and farts. Welcome to my world.)
The list of reasons why I am NOT a great pregnant lady are growing (much like my bra size, ass, thighs and belly):
Write down, “emotional” but mean “hypersensitive to the point she will cry in public at the sight of a baby because SHE WANTS ONE. Remind her she is pregnant.” This actually happened this weekend at Babies R Us. And World Wraps. AND Borders. That’s right, in one day, I broke down crying not once, but three different times because I saw a cute baby and I wanted to have another one. Oh, sure, the first two times Mr. Flinger, ever so kindly, reminded me that I am, in fact, pregnant. “You think I don’t KNOW THAT?!” I quivered. “I want a FOUR MONTH OLD like THAT ONE, not a fetus, not a newborn and good god, not 10 weeks of gagging and retching.”
Write down “fickle” but mean “can’t decide if she’s going to go out with her friends because she MAY gag and she MAY start dry heaving and she MAY vomit in the car on the way there.” I used to be a last minute planner but now it’s ridiculous. “Want to go out to dinner?” “Oh! Well, not Thai food or anything spicy and not Mexican and not Pizza or Italian. Actually, let’s just keep it to soup and sandwiches but not deli meat. Oh, wait… GAG GAG GAG Huck Huck Huck.. maybe I won’t make it at all. Saying the word Deli Meat made me throw up a little.”
Write down “indigestion” but mean “stomach pain so bad she can barely eat sometimes and bloating so painful the bump is 99% gas.” And let me tell you a secret here. Lean in really really close because I am not going to just blab this to the ENTIRE Internet, just you people. The bloating? The Gas? I absolutely have (HAVE) to fart. Or I’m in so much pain I’ll crumple up my face and cuss under my breath but the real kicker is this: the gas is stinky and it makes me gag. So there’s my conundrum; I have bad bad gas that if I don’t release I will writhe in pain but if I do? I will gag and vomit.
Are we having fun yet?
Last night I went out to dinner with some good friends. We were sitting in the bar ordering diet cokes and water. The bar tender says to me (undecided on what to drink) “We have a black butte on tap and some great red wines…” I wave my hand, “Honey, all that you just said? Sounds lovely. I want it all. But I’m pregnant. So I’ll take a Shirley Temple.”
Oh well, at least I took my indigestive bloated ass out where I could cry with new people and get all wishy washy over the menu. Don’t you want to be my friend?
10 guests here now.
Did you fart in front of your friends? That would have been hilarious! Oh the smell of meat or the thought of cold cuts or “flesh” as we like to call it around here mad me sick too! Before you know it, your little babe will be here!
By Beckik on 2006 11 22
Isn’t pregnant life fun?!
How is the ad thing working out for you? It is just funny because there is a Planned Parenthood ad and a Bellybar ad at the same time…
I guess the word is ironic!
By Holly on 2006 11 22
The gas, it is BAD here too. Glad to know I’m not the only one in this boat!
By Charla on 2006 11 22
I’m not a good pregnant lady either… I complain and whine and I feel like I just don’t do it as well as other girls. Fortunately, since I have done it once, I can keep reminding myself it’s NOT forever and I will forget about all of the annoyances shortly after the baby arrives. (and then probably want to do it again? WTF is wrong with me?!)
By Erin on 2006 11 22
I’m a horrible, mean pregnant woman. And honestly? I order Shirley Temples when I’m not pregnant…
By Lanna on 2006 11 22
Oh do I ever hear you! Thank you for making me laugh though, that always helps me to feel better.
I’ve been taking a natural vitammin B12 and ginger-root pill to help out with the nausea just a little bit. It’s working, just a little bit. But anything is better than nothing.
By sarahgrace on 2006 11 22
Yes I would still be your friend, but I wouldnt ride in the car with you, bc of the gagging, vomiting and gas. And when it was my turn I wouldnt ask you to ride in the car with me either.
I read this blog and yet somehow I still look forward to having kids with Jay (gotta get married first…MUST get married first)
By Sara on 2006 11 22
Sara, I hope you still look forward to having kids because honestly, after all this wears off and after the not sleeping infant stage, about three months in you forget all of it and say, “I want another one.”
Like Erin said, I’ll forget all this, too. And you’ll all have to remind me I don’t want more.
By Mrs. Flinger on 2006 11 22
Yes darlin’... I still wanna be your friend!
Funny how we human beings keep having these little monsters who make our lives hell even BEFORE they enter the world! And we CRAVE them. To the point that we actually thrust our brains into temporary amnesia about all the lovely little realities. We are SUCH a weird species.
One day you will look back and this will all seem funny… ha ha ha.
Hang in sweetie!
By Katie Kat on 2006 11 23
Someday you’ll look back on all this, say, “I’m so happy I’m not pregnant right now,” and order another margarita.
By Wacky Mommy on 2006 11 23
Your cool!!! I would so be your friend.
By Amanda on 2006 11 24
oh sweetie…I’m gagging on my own farts right now, and I’m not even pregnant!
And at church last Sunday? the same day I had to teach sunday school? was the day I had that REALLY bad, stuck in my gut fart that had me crumpled up just minutes before I walked through those doors…
By Little Miss on 2006 11 24
ROFL, thank you, Little Miss!!
And Whacky Mommy, you can quote me on that one. I will surely say, “Thank god I’ll take two.” Amen. Amen.
By Mrs. Flinger on 2006 11 25