My life is a popular chidren’s book and I’m pretty sure I’m the pig

29/Aug/2007

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Sometimes I wish I could just write children’s books. I usually think this about twenty minutes after my elation over writing a real book passes with my child’s blood curling “pay attention to me” scream. A children’s book! It’s, like, ten pages! Sixteen words! I could make, what, 40 bucks per word? 100,00 per word? I could so do this!

Then I realize I couldn’t write a children’s book because it’s already been written. And I’m living it.

I’m pretty sure Laura Joffee wrote about me. She wrote about my daughter, too. She’s written several books, in fact, about our daily lives. Because it goes something like this…

If you give a Mommy a todo list:
She will put everything needing to be done since 1988 on it.
Then she will remember 1988. This will remind her to go look through a box of old photos.
She will be about halfway through scanning old photos when The Boy will get up hungry.
About this time The Girl will poop in the hallway. Again.
She will get out the cleaning supplies to clean the human feces off the new, albeit disgustingly tainted carpet, and decide to clean the bathroom while the supplies are out.
The Girl will still be without panties and The Boy will still be hungry.
They will start yelling.
She will head downstairs to feed them both and start the water for a bottle. She will clean the old bottles, start the dishwasher and finally remember she was making formula for The Boy.
The Girl still won’t have panties on.
She will sit down to feed The Boy while carousing The Girl to go get her panties on “All by herself.”
This won’t go well.
She will set down the now fed baby and start heading up the stairs only to glance down and realize, “The Feng Shui of our living room sucks.” And begin to re-arrange the entire room.
The Girl still will not have panties on.
After the Living Room has been re-arranged, vacuumed, dusted and picked up, she will sit down and glance at her to do list.
And when she looks at the list, she’ll remember 1975.
And want to post some old photos…

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Comments

  1. Cute pictures Leslie! And thank God I’m not the only one that gets side tracked and starts a million projects at once! Only a mother understands. Nothing ever gets finished ! There is never enough time in a day!

    By kelli on 2007 08 29

  2. Hey, I posted EMBARRASSING pictures yesterday…are you trying to one-up me with “look at me as a cute little baby” pictures?

    Not cool.

    Anyway, I am convinced we live parallel lives.  This post could have had me as the starring character, the pig.

    By Jennifer on 2007 08 29

  3. Look at that sweet little babe!!

    I can SO relate. SO.

    By Marie on 2007 08 29

  4. Just when I thought I couldn’t like you more, you go and post this.  I love those books!  And what a fun idea to make one about yourself.

    It seems like your morning was almost like mine.  I too was feeding a boy while I watched my daughter walk around with no underwear on.  But she didn’t poop in the hallway - thank God!  The last time the carpet was tainted was in her closet when she was playing Hide and Go Poop.  And thankfully, that game got old a few months ago.

    By andi on 2007 08 29

  5. That is exactly why I get the hell outta my house as soon as possible every morning. 
    You wrote it so perfectly.
    I am the to do list queen.  I would just love to be able to cross something off once in awhile.

    By Laura on 2007 08 29

  6. Lookie how cute you are!!!!

    I find that if I just leave the house first thing in the morning it won’t get messed up. wink

    But I am also the queen of stream of consciousness to do’ing. wink Which is why I have 8 million things going on at once. And my feng shui sucks, too.

    By Jamie on 2007 08 29

  7. Hehee. Jack would say you wrote about me. So would I.
    Hope you can get some stuff done today. I hear my son in the pantry. GOTTA GO NOW.

    By hilary on 2007 08 29

  8. OMG. You are so my hero. Best Children’s Book EVA!

    By Colleen on 2007 08 29

  9. a Children’s book I can relate to!LOL!

    By Lgirl on 2007 08 29

  10. That was a great post! I love those books and I too think I could write a really great or atleast o.k. childrens book if I could just get my three kids quiet long enough to get a minute to think!
    I love your blog! I’m so glad I found it!

    By Tracy on 2007 08 29

  11. I think you should continue on with this idea.  That way, maybe I would have a book to read to my kids that would better explain why mommy is the way she is…  I promise i will be the first buyer.

    By boogiemum on 2007 08 29

  12. I’ll take a copy of that book too. Awesome….and so true.

    By mel from freak parade on 2007 08 30

  13. Fantastic post!

    By Shauna on 2007 08 31

  14. I’m still like this even though in my story the kids are a little bigger, so not pooping on the floor.  Maybe that’s why my bathroom hasn’t been cleaned yet…

    By Holly on 2007 09 01

  15. I have SO wanted to do my own version of those books.  Classy!

    By Mrs. Mustard on 2007 09 02

  16. This is a hoot!  Love it!

    By Michelle at Scribbit on 2007 09 02

  17. those are tHE BEST baby pics EVAH!!!

    By texasbelle on 2007 09 03

  18. Love the pictures. I’m a to-do lister, too, because otherwise I get sidetracked all over.

    By Daisy on 2007 09 04