My snatch got stuck
Aug, 03, 2009 -- By: Mrs. Flinger
Aug, 03, 2009
So I was talking to some good friends and one mentioned, “You know what I miss? Sneezing without having to tense up my cooter before hand.” And I joined in, “Oh, I KNOW!” But! BUT (There is always a but in there somewhere) “YOU didn’t even have to blow out your snatch.”
I reply, “I know, dude. I know. My snatch got stuck.”
We all have these wonderful visions of labor and delivery when we’re huge pregnant for the first time because it’s LOVELY! And NATURAL! and HOLY MOTHER JUST GET THE BABY OUTTA MY UTERUS. So we think of the wonderfulness of pushing, just like in the movies, a brand new four month old baby outta our snatch.
And then reality.
I labored for nearly 24 hours with my first. Her head got so jammed in to my pelvis, she was experiencing decelerations and shaping her lovely little head in to a point so she could star in the movie “The Cone Heads” when it comes back in to fashion in another 15 years. She’s a planner like that.
So they decided (they being ME and oh, yes, the doctors and nurses) that we needed to get THE BABY OUT as in RIGHT NOW and it was time to operate because my snatch? My snatch got stuck.
So my first C-section occurred allowing myself to keep my snatch in tact while ripping out my ab muscles and four major organs.
The next child was a no-brainer, “We’re ripping that suckah out via your belly. Let’s not even TRY that crap about birthing ok?” I had to agree. That whole experience pretty much sucked and I wasn’t about to try that again.
And thus another baby was delivered via a small slit in my imperfect abdominal muscles along with my liver and a few other organs they shoved back (mostly) in place (so they tell me).
But my snatch, it sure is lovely.
If I had to do it over I’d still want the chance to push a kid outta my cooter. My abs, and that little thin scar hanging out just about the pubic hair that is OH SO SEXY, will never be the same. But I get it. I can appreciate the “grass is greener” feeling. Because while your snatch might be all stretched out and sex is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, lemme tell you what, you don’t have people asking to see your c-section scar or offering to teach you pilates because your ab muscles still have a six inch gap from that time you shared your organs with five doctors and three nurses.
And the kicker? I still pee when I sneeze.
34 Comments Filed in: Family Life • Read the Archives
Comments
My snatch was stuck, aka baby’s head was smashed, unmoving into my pelvis, as well. Much like you, ensuing c and dripping pee to follow…
I did push a baby out of my snatch. Oddly, I do not pee when I sneeze, but I do tend to leak when I run. This is generally preventable with some prudent squeezing (not to mention not running), but I did outright pee myself while chasing down my charming three year old who decided to cross the street without me. (The kicker? I didn’t even bother going straight home. I figured, eh. I’m pregnant. Who cares.)
Man, I was peeing my pants way before I got pregnant. Of course it has gotten worse since my pregnancy C-section.
And my abs? Hmm, I’m sure they’re down there somewhere, but I really only use them when I get up in the morning because, you know, I just can’t roll out of the bed and onto the floor.
This one is so going to my sister! She will appreciate your snatch disabilities like no other. And I am secretly glad you pee when you sneeze. *insert evil laugh here*. Oh wait, now it’s not a secret. Oh crap.
I’m peeing my pants just reading this! It’s the ‘..sex is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway’ that got me.
LOL (you know you spend waaaayyy too much time on the internet when ‘lol’ becomes part of your spoken vocabulary)
My snatch got stuck too!! Although I retain complete bladder control - sucks for you though
Somehow even though I had four babies and no C-Sections, I don’t pee when I sneeze. Yet.
And believe me, I have many, many other issues that make up for that one perk I got lucky with.
“...and sex is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.”
Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I have to say, I’m still really glad that I didn’t have to push either of my babies out. I’m amazed that that is the way God designed things. It is so not right. One of the many questions I am putting on a list to ask him about someday.
TMI ALERT: I think I’d take your scar. After requisite peeing with sneezes, in pools, and for no farking reason at all, after 10 lb baby sqooshed out of snatch, I now have periods that will require a scar for an upcoming hysterectomy/possible ablation.
And best ever? My gynnie told me upon examination with hand still inserted that I “had an upper-limit sized vagina.” (eyebrows raised)
She then says, “Not abnormal, heheh, just on the upper-limits of large.”
Just what ever woman wants to hear.
Well, no fuck, I pushed a 10 lb baby and two other humanoids out of that hole. Sigh.
“like wavin’ your arm around in a warm room”
My snatch got stuck too, at 4 cm on the first try. Now I’ve had 3 c-sections and I pee if I don’t cross my legs when I sneeze too. I have abs in there somewhere too, just covered up by this lovely roll of flab that 3 c-sections have gotten me.
I delivered two babies, snatch snapped back, no hot dogs or hallways here
I do however pee when I sneeze, cough, laugh, squat, fart, or don’t get up the nano second I feel I might possibly need to pee..and then I’ll pull up my pants and sneeze and pee on myself. I’ve heard it’s mostly hereditary rather than how many/how big the babies were. And I’m tickled to know c-sectioned women are the same way. Guess it’s just being pregnant. Like just being pregnant makes your tata’s beaver tails.
OH lordy. I’d be doing Kegels all day if I peed when I sneezed!
Bum-mer. ;p
I am reminded of the NOFX song, Hotdog in a Hallway—though that is about a Very Large woman, not necessarily a mom.
lyrics, if punk music isn’t your cup of tea.
*HUGS* You rock.
“Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway”
I just peed myself!
If you didn’t pee when you sneezed? I might trust you a little less.
I think I just peed myself reading this post.
Shit, you’re funny! And speaking of shit…why has no one mentioned the indignity of poo-ing on the table while pushing said-Baby out? Two babies, two vaginal births, two indignities. Icky.
Heh. This is tres funny!
Fellow sticky snatch here - with my first, I stopped at 4 cm. But my second baby came out vaginally, so I guess I have an excuse for the leaking. And I am definitely a leaker!
I think it’s more to do with pregnancy than with pushing a baby out…
I delivered all 3 of my kids vaginally, and I consider it a good day when I don’t pee on myself. I’ve had very few good days in the past 5 years.
I too had a “stuck snatch” at 5cm, resulting in a c-section. I am so happy to have found “my people”. I am glad to know I’m not the sole sneeze-pee-er or cough pee-er or just plain ol’ existing pee-er. I love your blog. Fantastic stuff.
I’ve never had a child, but thanks for coloring such a “pretty” picture. LOL
It’s so appreciated, really!
And what does it say about me that I every now and again pee when I sneeze? I don’t even have a baby to thank for it. Sheesh!!!
And don’t even attempt jumping on a trampoline without wearing at least a pantyliner! I learned that one the hard way.
Yep, 2 C-sections here. My first had a 15 1/2 inch head and got way stuck also. I too pee when I sneeze and forget about jumping on the trampoline with the kids. It’s like squeezing a water balloon each time I bounce.
I can one up your c-section story (besides the fact that I’ve had 3 and am looking to have a 4th…just for the fun of it).
I’m a nurse, and when I was doing clinicals, I got to WATCH them do someone else’s c-section. When you see them take the organs OUT OF the BODY and put them on the mama’s abdomen, you suddenly have a new appreciation for gross anatomy…and wanting your doctor to have done VERY well in it!
You see? There ARE advantages to being a man. However, as a man ages, the funny thing is, he will more than likely pee when he sneezes.
I think this is the first time I’ve seen the word snatch used in a blog. Thank you. What a hoot!
Yeah, my snatch is intact too.
But I def have FAPA from my 3 c-sections.
FAPA = fat above pussy area
You’re welcome.
Hilarious!
With my first, after 2 hours of pushing the doctor told me if the baby didn’t come out in the next 5-10 minutes, she was going to have to push him back in and do a c-section - to which I replied “The hell you are! You aren’t pushing anything BACK IN!” Two vaginal births (and a prolapsed uterus) later, I pee when I sneeze, cough, blink, think about sneezing, coughing…
Alright… I have ‘lurked’ (and laughed) here ever since PW introduced you…and your ‘special’ sense of humor those few weeks ago…
But, when I read this post?! I had to ‘hold it’ while I laughed SO HARD! You told MY STORY (albeit a LOT funnier than I ever told it) - childbirth, that is…
You, my dear Mrs. Flinger, are HI-larious, and I plan on telling my friends about you! Definitely saved in my favs.
It was probably from the damned catheter. I, too, had a c-section. My son is 13 mos old, and I still have issues that I believe were caused by being catheterized.
Oh my gosh…I’m so glad to hear women talking about the reality of childbirth. No one ever told me about the dangers of sneezing while pregnant. Of course, I was 18 when I delivered so I probably just hadn’t been around long enough to learn and laugh about the squirts!!!
Ok, not feeling so bad about pushing three of them out
Will keep on working on the darn kegels already!
Son was 12 lbs and I could not sit without wincing for at least two weeks (this with a ring merrily made by one of the nurses). The twin girls were easier at 5 and 6 lbs. I felt human after a few days.
No sneezing/peeing incedents but do try to keep the kegels up..
I was showing a friend my c-section scar because she was going to have an operation that would leave a scar just like it. As I was showing her I looked up and realized that I was standing right in front of our big picture window. The guy driving by had something to ponder on that day.