Premature Conversation Ejaculator

28/May/2006

I don’t mind being honest with you when I say I can’t stand uncomfortable silence. I can’t. I’m the type of person who will continue to talk just to fill a void. I’ll tell you about my toe nails, my new bra, my hair cut, my vagina. I’ll tell you about anything just to keep the silence away. I think I’m even a little like that on email. I’m not sure how I bridge the gap, but somehow I manage to spew my guts on email just to prevent some silence that may or may not ensue. I mean, how would I know? It’s email.

At the other end of this issue is my premature conversation ejaculation. I’ll suddenly end a conversation after telling you too much of my intimate details when your face is blank and there is no return. I’m pretty great and seeing when I made a fool of myself. I mean, I’ve had practice. Anyway, when I become completely uncomfortable I’ll just suddenly say, “Well now, thanks! Nice talking to you, bye!” and I’ll be gone before you can utter “yeeaaaa….. whuuuuuu?”

The absolute worst example of this happened to me the other day in Starbucks (where else?). I was standing in line when some obvious non-native cut in line. “He doesn’t know starbucks procedure” says the man behind me. I nod because it’s fairly obvious if you’ve ever been to Starbucks, or say out to eat like ever, that you order in one place and pick up your drink at another. Duh. So we start talking about how this guy must live in outer Mongolia because where in the world could you be that there isn’t a Starbucks? And why wouldn’t he have his drink memorized? And how when I got up to the counter they know me by name (I’m not kidding) and how they know my drink and how I pretty much own half of starbucks. Well, in my head.

Suddenly we’re chatting about schools and work and he asks what I do. I tell him. I ask what he does. He tells me. Only I heard a muffled “shmortleey sholruem. Property Law shmoruwly.” Instead of saying, “What’s that?” I nod. It gets awkward. There is a pause. (I hate pauses.) During this time he’s looking at me expecting me to say something. “Um. One of my good friends is a lawyer. She knows all kinds of stuff I have no clue about.”

Uh. What?

Hi! I’m an Idiot Mr. Nice Stranger! Lemme spew more!

And then I’m off saying all kinds of shit I don’t even remember saying. I’m talking about blogging! And the Internet! And online friends! And suddenly I realize I sound like an Internet stalker and I end the conversation quickly because why can’t I live with a thirty second pause?

And thus I’ve once again concluded a conversation just a wee bit too early after spewing too much info. I guess it’s what I do.

Hi

11 guests here now.

Comments

  1. Wow!  Am I actually the first to comment????  Holy crap, I’m proud of myself!  ha ha ha ... As you know, I, too ramble nonsensically all the time.  I blame it on my working with people who often are unable to talk so I have to hold both sides of the conversation, but really it’s probably just that I like to talk and can’t get myself to shut up.  God help you if you ever have to get a voicemail from me… sometimes I even call back after the system cuts me off because YES, damn it.  I have MORE to say!!! smile  I know it’s bad, and curse myself for it at the time, but just can’t stop.  E-mails are the same way.  So sorry to all of you who have to suffer from my diahrrea of the mouth!!!  PS - LOVE the new look of the site, Mrs. Flinger!!

    By Water Girl on 2006 05 28

  2. I love the new site.  I was like what the hell, am I in the right spot?

    I’m an explainer.  I’ll explain it to you till you poke my eye out and explain it for me.  Yeah, it’s that bad.

    By dizzymizzy on 2006 05 28

  3. Oh and I forgot.  Can I add you to my links the hot Mrs. Flinger?

    By dizzymizzy on 2006 05 28

  4. I have more than once left comments that were at least twice as long as the original post.

    My name is Mama Grouch and I have no self control in front of a keyboard.

    By Mama Grouch on 2006 05 29

  5. I am the Queen of She Doth Not Know How to Shut The Heck Up…but premature conversation ejaculator…only you could think of that! Love it! And I am lovin’ this new clean blog look…it’s cool. But I kind of miss your sexy legs.

    By Jamie on 2006 05 29

  6. I had a friend who used to completely panic whenever a waiter would ask for her order.  She was always winding up with things she hated because she would immediately order whatever her eyes landed on.  Your difficulty is far preferable because at least you then got to walk away from the lawyer guy whereas she was totally stuck with veal.

    By Becky on 2006 05 29

  7. I missed the class that informed us how to act socially, I’ve discovered this! I don’t know how to play social games. I hate the “are you my friend, or aren’t you” kind of guessing crap that people like to do. Why can’t people just be more genuine? Instead it leaves people like you and me wishing we could fake it better. Which is a shame.

    By candice on 2006 05 29

  8. This is why we have blogs…so we fill the cyber silence! smile

    By ^starshine on 2006 05 29

  9. bwahahaaaaaaaa!!! that happens to me ALL the time. Its the curse of not asking someone’ pardon me?’ because frankly, I say that all the time too because I am how do you say DEEF!! so. shazzam!

    By texasbelle on 2006 05 29

  10. Nonsensical ramblings??  Girl, sometimes it actually feels like I can’t piece together a coherent sentence.  I am so bad to stumble over my words, and I end up butchering what I meant to say.  I hate it when I’m talking to someone and they are looking at me like I’m speaking some foreign language, then I get more nervous, and I spew out stupid thoughts and mispronounce words.  Really, I think I OVERthink what I want to say.  It must be a curse.

    By Charla on 2006 05 29

  11. Oh, and see, while rambling I forgot to tell you I dig the new look!  So fresh and so clean!

    By Charla on 2006 05 29

  12. Love the new look smile

    And, outer mongolia must be located in SE Ohio, cause there ain’t no Starbucks here. :( (actually on the way back from Pittsburgh today I proclaimed, “Look! A Starbucks! Damnit I don’t want coffee!”)

    By Sarah on 2006 05 29

  13. Like the new look!  I’m thinking your next design needs to be Starbucks-related, since so many of your adventures (misadventures?)happen there.  Of course, no copyright infringement…!

    By Amy_M on 2006 05 29

  14. Seriously. Will you move here and be my friend? Pretty please? I think we were separated at birth.

    And also? Loving the new site look!

    By erin on 2006 05 29

  15. Erin, I would move there but I think you live in the ONE place that is more expensive than here. tongue laugh

    Amy, dude, great idea!! But I decided to keep this design for a few weeks (hopefully) so I’ll have to email you and say, “What was that great idea you had?” heh.

    Sarah, you crack me up! “Damnit! I don’t want coffee!” dude. It’s not coffee. It’s dessert

    Charla and Anne, girls, so there with ya. And Starshine, thank god for cyberspace, I swear. It’s the only reason I know I’m not a total idiot. Wait. I have record that I am. Damn.

    Becky, I SO TOTALLY order random stuff just to have an answer! My god, that’s amazing. ALthough I’ve never said Veal. I did, however, say WINE one time when I meant Martini. Those are very much not the same thing.

    Dizzymizzy, you need to ask to link? Hello! YES!

    Mamma Grouch, welcome! You sound just like my kind o’ gal! I mean, just your name is too hip but the fact that you leave super long comments? I think I heart you. (Read my comment here. OMG. Tell me to shut up already!)

    Jamie, I love that you miss my legs. But you might be able to buy them soon. I have a blan. Muhahahaha.

    And WaterGirl.. YEY! Glad you got to be the first one to comment and I LOVE LOVE Your voice mails. They crack me up. It’s like being with you. And I love that!

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2006 05 29

  16. Don’t change your periodic premature converstation ejaculator!  That is what I love about you.  You are never afraid to speak and you always keep the conversation lively!

    By traci on 2006 05 30

  17. On this subject, here’s a song for your ipod.
    John Mayer’s My Stupid Mouth!

    By Liesl on 2006 05 30

  18. YEY! Going to iTunes now…

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2006 05 30

  19. I like the new look, toO!  Crisp and clean. 

    I’m okay with silence unless I have had caffiene and then I have been known to talk and talk and be totally embarrassed later on when I think back on what I said.

    By Holly on 2006 05 30

  20. I do the same thing - spew unnecessary info to fill uncomfortable silence.. and then regret it later.  It’s why I avoid company lunches.  In my family, it’s only quiet when someone’s in trouble - so we must keep the talking going to prevent the punishment..  Why don’t others understand this?  Why put the burden on us to fill all silence?  It just isn’t fair!!

    Look - I did it right here with this blank comment section.  GAH!

    By holli on 2006 05 31